


The Show - Season One

by GutterBall



Series: The Show [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Gen, Original work - Freeform, occasional cussing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-01
Updated: 2015-01-01
Packaged: 2018-03-04 15:31:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 50
Words: 37,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3073073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GutterBall/pseuds/GutterBall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I'm lucky to work with people who have become actual friends, and our emails got goofy enough that one of them suggested we ought to have our own show. So I started writing one for us. Because I'm weird like that. And now they've agreed it would be funny to post The Show here for others' entertainment.</p><p>There are a few in-jokes (I'll try to explain in episode notes if I think it necessary), but mostly, this is a slightly-exaggerated example of how we talk to each other every single day with a few doofy jokes thrown in for flavor. They never get my nerdgasming, Kamren is pretty sheltered, and Lori really does have to pee, like, all the time and is head over heels for Nate from Fun.</p><p>"Me" is actually me (they call me Mols). "You" is Lori. "VO Kamren" is Kamren, the lone guy in our trio. Think of him like our sheltered little brother. We sure do. Also, we sometimes call him other names. Like Annabelle.</p><p>Oh, and "fiddly" just means totally/definitely/fully or whatever. We use it too often for me to replace every one. Sorry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Pilot

**Author's Note:**

> Because this first episode was something I just tossed out on the fly when Lori suggested we oughtta have our own show, it's fairly rough and a lot more caricature-ish than the rest of the episodes. I swear, they get better as they go.

Voice-over Kamren: And now it's time for... Gabby Girls!

Me: I really hate that title.

You: Eh, get used to it. We're already second season. They're not changing it.

Me: It's written in pink. With sparkles.

You: Mols. Focus.

Me: Right. Okay, today, we're talking about movies.

You: This'll be a short conversation.

Me: Seriously. This is a show about pop culture. HOW CAN YOU NOT SIT THROUGH A MOVIE TO STUDY UP FOR A SHOW ABOUT POP CULTURE??

You: Boring. Let's talk about sex or something.

Audience: *applauds*

Me: Movies, dammit! Did anyone see the Avengers: Age of Ultron trailer?

You: *crickets*

Audience: *crickets*

Me: *grumbles and kicks a rock* Rob saw it. Tweeted about it and everything.

You: ...Nate wrote a new song?

Audience: Boring! Let's talk about sex!

Me: I hate this show.

You: Woot! I got 100,000 new likes on facebook!

Me: On what??

You: Oh. I got bored around the whole movie thing, so I posted that I was bored talking about movies.

Me: You're updating your facebook status on air??

You: It's called a data plan.

Me: Goddammit.

Audience: Oooooo, you said a bad word!

Me: @#*&$(*&#$@*$&*@

Censors: Yeah, that whole thing's gotta go.

You: However, it did get a slew of comments on my facebook post.

Me: I quit. I can quit, right?

VO Kamren: You're under contract.

Me: For how long?

VO Kamren: Until the end of time.

Me: Now, all I have to do is end time.

You: Bored now. Does anyone have any chocolate? I'm seriously craving some chocolate.

Audience: Us, too!

Me: All I need to do is speed up the entropy of the universe.

You: Ugh. No science. Let's talk about literally anything else. Even sex.

Audience: *enthusiastic applause*

Me: ...Hate you. Hate you all.

VO Kamren: That's all for today! Join us tomorrow for the Gabby Girls' talk about... hair care products!

Me: *wailing in the background* Nooooo! What did I ever do to deserve this??

You: I remember a certain picture of certain cupcakes a certain someone sent me while informing me that I couldn't have any.

-FADE OUT-


	2. Episode 2

VO Kamren: And we're back with Gabby Girls--

You: Yeah, we changed that. We're just Schmexy now.

Me: Damn right we are.

VO Kamren: ...I'm not saying that.

Us: *glares*

VO Kamren: *sigh* Okay, we're back with... uh... Schmexy... talking about hair care products!

Me: God help us.

You: It's all in the conditioner. Without a good conditioner, just forget about good hair.

Me: Boring. Let's talk about--

Audience: SEX!!

Me: ...I was gonna say the Mars rover.

Audience: Boooooo!

You: Do you use any leave-in treatment?

Me: ...Oil? I imagine that's probably a standard even if a machine's gonna be on another planet.

You: ON. YOUR. HAIR.

Me: Oh. Yeah. Otherwise it tangles like cotton candy.

You: Gross.

Me: What's gross?

You: Cotton candy in your hair. OH! HAIR in your COTTON CANDY! NASTY!!

Me: ...Okay, I gotta admit. That's pretty gross.

You: I know, right? And 112,486 people on facebook agree.

Me: Seriously? When did you even post that? You haven't even had your phone out.

You: I have my ways.

Me: ...Like what??

You: Oh! Nate liked my post! Well, Fun. did, but that's the same thing!

Me: Fun. is on facebook?

You: Yeah, Twitter loser.

Me: That's harsh.

You: You only like Twitter because--

Me: SSSSHHHHHH!! Geez!

You: Oh, please. Your secret is out.

Me: Ix-nay on the urting-blay!

You: *eyeroll* Whatever. Gel or mousse?

Me: Paste for my toothpaste and mousse for my dessert?

You: ...Seriously? Are you doing that on purpose?

Me: ...No?

You: RUDE.

Me: Bored now. Let's talk about--

Audience: Sex??

Me: NO. Geez.

You: We're not talking about Pacific Rim AGAIN.

Me: I can't help it! Kamren still hasn't seen it yet!

VO Kamren: I keep forgetting.

Me: It's ON YOUR DVD PLAYER. Hell, you could drop it and ACCIDENTALLY watch it!

VO Kamren: ...That's all the time we have today! Join us tomorrow for Gabby Gi--

Us: *glares*

Kamren: *sigh* For SCHMEXY. Whatever. Give me money.

-FADE OUT-


	3. Episode 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This should go without saying, but since this is the internet... DISCLAIMER: Kamren does not have underage girls in his basement. That's an in-joke. He does, however, turn a hilarious shade of red every time we bring it up.

VO Kamren: Aaaaannnnnd we're back! It's time for SCHMEXY! Today, we have a special treat for the audience.

Audience: *shuffles like restless cattle*

VO Kamren: That's right! Today, the topic is audience choice!

You: Wait, what?

Me: No. They always wanna talk about sex.

VO Kamren: Too bad! Audience? What's your pleasure?

Audience: Sex!

Us: NO.

Audience: *pouts* Fine. Relationships!

You: First off, are you guys like practicing this? That was way too in sync for a random group. Second off, HELLS NO.

Me: Yeah, no.

Audience: RELATIONSHIPS.

VO Kamren: Sorry guys. "Audience choice" means audience choice. So, today's topic is... relationships!

Me: Joy. Finally a topic we both agree on, if only because we both hate it.

You: Hate you. Hate you all.

Me: Let's just get this over with... waitaminute. What the heck is that??

You: *looks innocent* What?

Me: Is that a freakin 64-oz Diet Coke??

You: ...Maybe.

Me: YOU KNOW YOUR BLADDER IS THE SIZE OF A TEASPOON, RIGHT??

You: Speaking of... pee break?

VO Kamren: You're talking about relationships!!

You: But I need to pee!

Me: ...Okay, you get a pass this time, but only because I'd rather sit here awkwardly during your pee break than talk about relationships.

Audience: Booo! This is a talk show! TALK!

VO Kamren: They have a point.

You: And you have underage girls in your basement.

VO Kamren: *sweats* Nuh-uh.

Me: C'mon, guys! She just got out of a relationship, and I haven't had one for years. We are the two worst people for this subject.

Audience: Sex or relationships. These are your options.

You: That's really starting to freak me out.

Me: Maybe they're like a hive mind?

You: I usually just ignore your sci fi babble, but that's the only possible explanation.

VO Kamren: Seriously. TALK ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS.

Me: Ugh, fine. Lori?

You: What?

Me: You had the most recent one.

You: And it ended horribly.

Me: There. We talked about relationships.

VO Kamren: That was not a talk!

You: What do you want from us? I kinda hate men right now.

Me: Oooh! Let's talk about hating babies, instead! I could talk about that ALL DAY.

You: ...Is it weird that I'm tempted? Just to NOT be talking about boyfriends?

Me: They secrete a chemical that acts like cocaine. When mothers sniff their babies, they are literally getting high off them.

VO Kamren: That is not true.

Me: Google it.

VO Kamren: *googles it* Huh. Whaddya know? Babies get you high. Is that why you want one, Lori?

You: ...Is that a fat joke?

VO Kamren: What? No! How could that be a fat joke??

You: You asked if I was pregnant!

Me: *sits back with popcorn and a grin*

VO Kamren: *sweats* Uhhhh... that's all the time we have today!

Audience: Boooooo! That conversation sucked!

VO Kamren: Join us next time when we ACTUALLY talk about relationships! And not about being fat!

You: Okay, was THAT a fat joke??

Me: Why does anyone watch this crap??

You: I still have to pee. I'm kinda getting desperate here.

VO Kamren: Tomorrow!

-FADE OUT-


	4. Episode 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little in-joke: we used to do Trivia Fridays in our office, and one of the ladies would always default to either The Nile, Russia, or SpongeBob, no matter what the question. Also, Lori would answer "What is the capital of X?" with "X City".

VO Kamren: On today's episode of SCHMEXY, we asked the viewers at home to email questions. We dumped them all into a hat and picked out five at random--

Me: What's this "we" crap? You didn't even tell us you asked for write-ins!

VO Kamren: --and here's the first one! Anonymous asks "Where do these two freakshows live so I can kill them in their sleep?"

You: ...

Me: ...

VO Kamren: Okay, so maybe I should have read these before finalizing them.

Me: Good thing I sleep with a baseball bat next to my bed.

You: I need a bodyguard.

Me: *snorts* Said as if any of your slender-reed musicians would make good meatshields.

You: They're not effiminate!!

Me: Did I use that word? I don't think I did. Sounds like SOMEONE is a little sensitive to the truth.

You: I just don't like muscleheads like you do!

Me: It's not just their muscles I like. *waggles eyebrows*

VO Kamren: AHEM!

Us: *grumbles*

VO Kamren: Question #2 is "Who's this Rob guy Mols is always talking about but never explains?"

You: *opens mouth*

Me: DON'T YOU DARE.

You: *smirks*

Me: Pass. Next question.

VO Kamren: You can't pass. This isn't a gameshow.

Me: Why can't they be trivia questions? I'll answer trivia questions.

You: Ooh! Yeah, let's do that!

VO Kamren: Question #3!

Us: *whines*

VO Kamren: "Why didn't Lori check her facebook status during the last episode. Is she sick?"

You: *scowls* You know, I'm not THAT addicted to facebook.

Me: You just updated your status two questions ago.

You: And I've only checked the likes once!

VO Kamren: Ugh. Question #4: "If either of you could choose how you'd be murdered in your sleep, how would you each choose?"

Me: ...

You: ...

Me: ...What are the odds that you'd pull two questions from the same psycho?

VO Kamren: *sweats* Question #5: "Why did you change the name from Gabby Girls to SCHMEXY, especially since you refuse to talk about sex?"

Audience: Yeah! We wanna know that, too!

You: Gabby Girls was too pink for The Dark One over here.

Me: I know you want me to argue with that nickname, but I'm not gonna do it. I'll own it.

Audience: Talk about sex, dammit! It's right there in the title!

Me: I'm sorry, but we're fresh out of random questions.

VO Kamren: In all fairness, you didn't actually answer any of the questions.

Audience: Yeah!

You: Yeah, we're cool like that.

Me: Astonishingly, I agree.

VO Kamren: You have to answer SOMETHING, dammit!

Me: Make tomorrow a trivia day, and we'll answer all you want.

You: I can answer already: The Nile, Spongebob, Russia, and Whatever City.

Me: There ya go.

VO Kamren: Ugh. Whatever. Join us tomorrow for trivia, though I wouldn't blame you if you didn't.

Audience: Booo! No sex again!

Us: Got that right.

VO Kamren: Ugh. Just fade out already!

-FADE OUT-


	5. Episode 5

VO Kamren: Welcome back, folks! It's time for... The Show!

You: Wait, what? What happened to--

VO Kamren: We're not using that word anymore.

Me: Far be it from me to care what we call this train wreck at this point, but... why?

VO Kamren: You try explaining to your day job boss why emails with SCHMEXY in all-caps keep popping up on your screen.

Us: ...Duly noted.

VO Kamren: So... that's right! Welcome to The Show!

Me: And now I have Saliva running through my head. And I wanna play PlayStation.

You: ...What??

VO Kamren: Today's topic is personal health. Ladies... go!

Me: ...

You: ...

Audience: Boooo! This talk show sucks!

VO Kamren: Guys? Camera's rolling.

Me: Didn't we already talk about personal health?

You: We sorta kinda talked about hair care...?

VO Kamren: It's either that or football.

Me: Yes! Football!

You: Shower or bathe every day. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Me: Dammit.

Audience: Yes! Nekkidness!

Us: Ew! Hey!

You: Um... I guess... use good soap that doesn't dry you out?

VO Kamren: I recommend Dove.

Us: ...

Audience: ...

VO Kamren: What?

Me: Kamren?

VO Kamren: Yeah?

Me: Is your precious baby skin too delicate for, like, man soap?

You: Lever 2000? Axe Bodywash? Irish Spring? Ringing any bells?

VO Kamren: I get itchy. I need the One Quarter Moisturizing Cream.

Us: *wide-eyed*

Audience: We're strangely uncomfortable with the turn of this conversation.

Me: Football?

You: I think... maybe... yes?

Me: I think you get a pass if you wanna Facebook during this one.

Audience: Boo? Maybe?

Me: If we talk about football, we can talk about butt-fumbles.

Audience: Is there sex involved?

Me: There may be a sort of forbidden bromance blooming between Drew Brees and Tony Romo.

Audience: Sweet! We're in!

You: Still. So. Creepy.

Me: The all-talking-in-sync thing or the bromance?

You: Jury's still out on that one.

VO Kamren: That's all the time we have for today! Join us tomorrow when the topic is... *consults notes*... forbidden bromances? Really?

Me: We know our audience.

Audience: We'll take what we can get.

You: I may have to spike my Diet Coke to get through that one.

Me: Should make things interesting.

VO Kamren: God help us.

-FADE OUT-


	6. Episode 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to vote!

VO Kamren: And we're back with The Show! Today is a very special episode because we'll be talking about--

Audience: Secret bromances are a special episode?

You: Apparently, they are to Kamren.

VO Kamren: No! Geez! Today, we'll be talking about civic responsibility.

Audience: ...

You: ...

Me: ...

VO Kamren: VOTING.

Everyone else: Ooooooooh.

Me: Wait, what? Why are we talking about voting?

VO Kamren: Because it's voting day.

You: Yeah, but yesterday, you said bromance.

VO Kamren: Would you rather talk about bromance?

Us: Not really, no.

VO Kamren: Then shut up and talk about voting.

Me: Can't do both.

You: She has a point.

VO Kamren: ARE YOU VOTING OR NOT?

Me: Oh, pipe down. Yes. I already made arrangements.

You: I'm busy. Plus, I haven't studied up on the issues, so I'd just be voting to be voting.

Audience: Booooooo. This is boring and reponsible. Talk about sex!

Me: What... like sex in a voting booth? You know those things don't have curtains anymore, right?

You: Ew.

VO Kamren: NO TALKING ABOUT SEX IN A VOTING BOOTH!

Me and You: *exchange smirks*

You: What? You don't find living up to your civic responsibility incredibly sexy?

Me: Not turned on by all that power literally at your fingertips as you take up the pen and make your opinion count?

Audience: *breathes heavily*

VO Kamren: *twitches*

You: And when you slip that ballot into the box... *shivers*... oooooohhhhh....

VO Kamren: STOP THAT! You're corrupting the pride of our democracy!!

Me: Actually, we're more a representative democracy, seeing as how our votes only count in that they're supposed to tell our electorates how we want them to vote, rather than each counting individually.

You: *fans self theatrically* God, I love politics!

Audience: We're sure starting to!

VO Kamren: You two are awful horrible people! You're supposed to be trying to get more people to go to the polls!

Me: And you are seriously underestimating sex appeal.

Audience: WE NEED TO VOTE RIGHT NOW. FOR SOMETHING. FOR ANYTHING!!

You: See? Just doing our civic duty.

VO Kamren: Hate you. Hate you both.

Audience: More! More politics! WE NEED IT!

VO Kamren: Whatever. Go vote. This show sucks.

Me and You: *highfives*

-FADE OUT-


	7. Episode 7

VO Kamren: It's that time again, folks! Time for The Show!

Audience: *half-hearted applause*

Me: Post-election hangover is a real party killer.

You: Tell me about it. At least the stupid political commercials are over.

Me: I know, right? They really bring down Football Sundays.

You: Or, ya know, TELEVISION IN GENERAL.

Me: Whatever. I watch that one show.

You: Ugh. You'd like the other one if you'd just watch it.

VO Kamren: Uh... guys?

Us: What? We're talking, here.

VO Kamren: Yeah, but I haven't given you the topic yet.

You: So? We've already got one.

Audience: We want more voting sex. Didn't get NEARLY enough of that.

Me: Not gonna happen. This is officially The Morning After.

Audience: ...Then we want pancakes.

You: This ain't a cooking show!

Audience: Boooo!

Me: *dopey grin* Rob tweeted the funniest thing about voting. Funnier because he actually tweeted it Monday instead of Tuesday.

You: Yeah. Adorable. Whatever. So Scandal--

Me: Like you wouldn't have run over grandparents to vote if Nate had tweeted something about it.

You: Not the point! I was busy!

Me: Whatever. He's perfect. And his tweets are hilarious.

You: *checks phone* Sadly, Facebook agrees with you, and they don't even know which Rob you're talking about.

Me: *sheepish* That's the only reason I'll talk about him. There are so many to choose from.

You: Oi.

VO Kamren: GUYS! TOPIC OF THE DAY!

Us: *whines* Whaaaaaat?

VO Kamren: *shuffles notes* What the... it was right here... where'd I put that--

Me: Where's your Diet Coke?

You: Drank it already.

Me: Seriously? You just walked in with it!

You: Yeah, but I had it in the car.

Me: For like a five minute drive!

You: Whatever. I gotta pee. Are we done yet?

VO Kamren: No! I'm still looking for the topic. It was RIGHT HERE. Where the heck--?

You: Ugh. If the seat's wet when we're done, it's not my fault.

Me: Gross.

Audience: Woot! Wait, you don't mean that kind of wet, do you?

Us: GROSS! NO!

Audience: Booooo!

VO Kamren: I've been through every sheet of paper twice! What did you guys do with the topic??

Me: Hey! Don't look at me!

You: Yeah, you might hurt something.

Me: Rude. But true.

You: Seriously. Gotta pee.

Me: She's getting jaundiced over here. Can we speed this up?

VO Kamren: *sweats* I can't find it!

Me: Did you check your pockets?

VO Kamren: Why would I put it in my pocket?? *checks* You rotten bitch.

Me: It's always the last place you look.

You: Yeah, why is that, anyway?

Me: Why would you keep looking once you found it?

You: ...Point taken. So what's the topic?

VO Kamren: *unfolds and reads* SERIOUSLY?? Post-election hangover cures?? I QUIT!

Me: Can't. Under contract.

VO Kamren: For how long??

Me: End of time. Just like me.

You: And me. Dammit.

VO Kamren: This is Hell, isn't it? I died without knowing it, and this is Hell.

You: Guilty conscience much?

Me: *whispers* Girls in the basement, remember?

You: Riiiiiight.

VO Kamren: Whatever. I hate this job. Just fade out already.

Me: Um... good show everyone?

You: Whatever. My bladder is one sneeze away from a tsunami.

Audience: This. Show. SUCKS.

Me: At least you're used to it.

Audience: ...DAMMIT.

-FADE OUT-


	8. Episode 8

VO Kamren: And we're back! Welcome to The Show!

Me: Still getting a Saliva vibe, there.

You: That sounds really gross out of context.

VO Kamren: ANYWAY. The topic of the day is... *eyes page*... the uncanny valley?

You: The heck is the uncanny valley?

Audience: *eager* Is it a euphamism?? FINALLY!!

Me: No! Buncha whackjobs! It's a term coined to describe the chasm between the most humanish robot and an actual human.

VO Kamren: ...

You: ...

Audience: ...

Me: What? It's fascinating!

VO Kamren: Did you seriously hack into my computer and change the topic for today just so you could talk about robots?

You: Mols!

Me: I would never.

Everybody else: *glares*

Me: Do it more than once?

You: MOLS!

Me: What?? We never talk about science!

You: That's science FICTION!

Me: How is that not better??

VO Kamren: Ugh. Since someone CLEARLY changed the topic for today, we're going to the back-up topic: blanket forts.

Me: ...BLANKET FORTS?? You wanna skip the uncanny valley for BLANKET FORTS??

You: Sounds legit to me.

Me: Whatever. I quit.

You: I feel like we've talked about that before.

VO Kamren: Guys. Blanket forts. Go.

Me: *grumbles* Rob would talk about robots with me.

You: If he had a clue you existed.

Me: You're one to talk, Natalie.

You: ...

Me: ...

Audience: Wasn't there supposed to be sex in this convo somewhere?

You: Sex in a blanket fort isn't recommended. Too easy to take out a vital support.

Me: ...

You: Placement is crucial, too. Some people prefer two chairs back to back, but I like a little more stability than that, so I like to get the dining room table involved. Makes it more like a blanket fort cave than a tent.

Me: ...

You: Time of year is also important. You're obviously gonna want quilts and fleecy blankets during winter, but a light sheet might be good enough in summer.

Me: ...

You: ...

Audience: ...

VO Kamren: ...

You: *sigh* Fine. We can talk about robots.

Me: Like the one we're getting Kamren for Christmas?

You: Whatever.

Me: The audience will like it. It's a Real Doll.

Audience: What's a Real Doll?

Me: *snerk* A more life-like blow-up doll, basically. Made to look as human as possible. They even have programmable personalities.

Audience: WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THIS FOREVER.

You: *yawns and checks Facebook*

VO Kamren: *blushes until he's sweating*

Audience: *salivates*

Me: See? That's where the uncanny valley really comes into play. The reason we find CGI and most robots and even things like mannequins and, heck, even anime characters unsettling is because they're CLOSE to human-looking but juuuuuuuuust not quite. Something in the eyes. They just look soulless. That is the uncanny valley.

Audience: Whoa.

You: ...Okay, that's actually kinda interesting. Creepy, but interesting.

VO Kamren: I... uh... don't want my Christmas present anymore.

Us: *snerk* Tough.

Me: Also, outside blanket forts are the best blanket forts. Just sayin.

You: Are you kidding me? There are BUGS outside! And BIRDS!

Me: *eyeroll* And weather. Don't forget weather.

You: *cries*

VO Kamren: I think that's all for the day. God help us. Join us next time, though I'll understand if you're too creeped out to, for The Show. Next topic is... *consults notes*... cheese. That's it? Just cheese?

Us: Got a problem with that?

VO Kamren: No?

US: Good.

Audience: Did... did you talk about sex? We're not sure.

Me: *shifty eyes* Yes?

Audience: Woot! This show rules! We think!

Me: Let's go while the gettin's good.

You: Good plan. I'm out.

-FADE OUT-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes. Lori is, in fact, afraid of bugs. And birds. And weather. And a whole host of other things. More on that in later episodes.


	9. Episode 9

VO Kamren: We're back, and it's all starting to taste like beans!

You: *boggles*

Me: Think that last episode broke him?

VO Kamren: In other news, welcome back to The Show! Today's topic is cheese.

You: I feel like there should be more to that intro.

Me: I'm good. I LOVE cheese. It's especially fun when the audience is kind of winking and nudging along with the director and actors.

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

Me: What?

Audience: Why are we winking and nudging?

Me: I don't... what?

You: The hell are you talking about, nutbar?

Me: Cheese!

You: What does melty, tasty cheese have to do with directors and actors?

Me: ...Oh. Dammit.

You: Seriously, what were you talking about?

Me: ...Cheesy movies?

You: *snickers*

VO Kamren: *snickers*

Audience: There isn't enough sex in this conversation.

You: Whatever. So... cheese. Any preferences? I like it sharp.

Me: *sigh* I guess fondue is kinda nice? And I like Havarti in a grilled cheese sandwich because it melts beautifully.

Audience: Great. Now we're hungry AND horny.

You: I don't think cheese would make a good sex food.

Me: Gross.

You: S'mores might be better.

Me: *boggles*

You: What? It's sticky, sweet marshmallow and gooey, melty chocolate. How could that not be sexy? Think of all the licking!

Me: Um, the fact that you need a BONFIRE to make it? And naked near a bonfire is a bad, bad idea? And I'm pretty sure that graham cracker crumbs are a turn-off. And I can't imagine that catching a flaming marshmallow to the junk and having it stick there could possibly contribute to anything but third-degree burns.

Audience: We have the weirdest boner right now.

You: Ew.

VO Kamren: I feel as if we've gotten off the point.

Me: Flaming junk wasn't the point?

You: Hey! We should talk about STDS!

VO Kamren: No!

Audience: Yes! They'd have to talk about the S to talk about the TDs!

VO Kamren: ...I don't get it.

Me: *facepalms*

You: *snickers*

VO Kamren: What do touchdowns have to do with campfires?

Audience: Dude....

Us: We know, right?

VO Kamren: Whatever! Cheese!

Me: What else is there to say? Cheese is awesome. End of story.

You: That's pretty much it in a nutshell.

Audience: Yes! Talk about nu--

Me: NO. Geez!

Audience: *pouts*

VO Kamren: Did... was that the show?

You: I got nuthin. You?

Me: Yeah, nuthin. I think we're good.

Audience: We feel unfulfilled.

Us: So... just like sex?

Audience: Hosnap!

VO Kamren: I think we're done here. I am completely lost.

Me: Yeah. Poor kid.

You: It's a real shame.

-FADE OUT-


	10. Episode 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here there be Mean Girls references. Ye be warned.

VO Kamren: Welcome back to The Show, everyone! Today's topic is... *consults notes*... tire swings!

Me: This oughtta be a short conversation.

You: What? Why? I love tire swings!

Me: ...Why?

You: They're fun! They evoke childhood whimsy. I like to picture myself in a field of wildflowers, swinging away in the shade of a big, old tree on a clear, sunny day.

Me: You clearly haven't been in a tire swing since you were a kid, then.

You: ...So?

Me: The last time I got anywhere near a tire swing, water had stagnated in the bottom well of it and a mess of mosquito larvae had hatched in there. It was DISGUSTING. Just a writhing, smelly mess.

You: GROSS!! Why do you always have to crap all over my whimsy with your practicality??

Me: *shrug* Just lucky, I guess. Seriously, there's really only one thing you can do in a tire swing, and that's--

Audience: *eagerly* Sex??

You: ...

Me: ... Uh... no. That sounds like a good way to end up with a broken dick.

Audience: *winces*

You: *winces*

VO Kamren: *winces*

Me: Exactly. The rope does break, you know. That that would be THE WORST POSSIBLE TIME for that to happen.

Audience: Booooooo.

You: Well, tire swings are ruined, and we already talked about blanket forts. What else ya got, Ruiner of Childhoods?

Me: Uhhhmmm... Rob's gonna be answering tweets for Legendary pictures about the Warcraft movie all day Friday.

You: We are not talking about that. Who even cares about that??

Me: *raises hand*

Audience: *doesn't*

VO Kamren: *doesn't either*

Regina George: *doesn't either*

You: See? No one.

Me: I hate this show.

You: Boo-hoo. Let's talk about... uh...

Audience: Sex!

Us: *glares*

Audience: Yeah, yeah. We know. *sigh*

Me: Comic books?

You: No.

Me: Football?

You: No.

Me: ...Video games?

You: NO.

Me: ...Kung fu movies?

You: Ugh. NO.

Me: ...Sci fi is out. Robots are out. Science in general is out. Movies are out because I hate romantic comedies and dramas and you hate everything else. TV is out because you hate football and I hate everything else. Men are out because we tend to like pretty much opposite types.

You: Amen.

Me: So... huh.

You: Yeah. Huh.

Me: How are we friends again?

VO Kamren: I was just wondering that myself.

Us: RUDE! It's only okay when we say it!

Audience: *shifts like restless cattle* We're bored.

You: I have to pee.

Me: I wanna go think up questions about an online game I deliberately didn't play because I knew I'd never stop playing it if I started.

VO Kamren: Are... we done, then? I'm not even sure.

Us: *shrug*

Audience: We're still wincing from that whole broken dick thing.

VO Kamren: Yeah. We're fiddly done. That's... that's it for the day.

Me: Imagine the ambulance ride. I mean, how would you explain it??

You: Right? "Well, EMTs, it was like this. We saw this tire swing and thought, Hey, let's evoke some childhood whimsy".

Me: Ha! Exactly! "And when we finally got all situated, we realized just swinging wasn't really doing anything for us, so we tried to get creative and--BOOM".

Audience: Weird boner time again. ...Go on?

VO Kamren: Oh, no. I think we're officially done. In fact, we're never talking about tire swings again. Worst. Topic. EVER.

Us: *highfives*

Audience: Boooo. It was just starting to get good.

Me: Broken dicks are good?

Audience: ...At least you were doing something to get one.

Us: Gross.

VO Kamren: FADE OUT ALREADY!!

-FADE OUT-


	11. Episode 11

VO Kamren: Hello again, folks! It's time for The Show! Today's topic is--

Me: *snoooorrrrrres*

You: *elbows me* Mols! What the heck?

Me: *drools a little*

You: Gross! Hey, wake up! *prods in the arm* Seriously, Mols. Get up!

Me: *blearily stretches* I don't wanna work. I just wanna bang on the drum all day.

VO Kamren: Is... is that a euphamism?

You: What the hell, Mols?

Me: *yaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwns* I got up early this morning to tweet a couple of questions to Rob. He's doing that Legendary takeover Q&A today.

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: *yaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwns*

You: Mols?

Me: Yeah?

You: You really like this guy, don't you?

Me: ...Shut up. What's the damn topic?

VO Kamren: Um. I forgot. Lemme just... *shuffles papers*...

You: I mean, you got up EARLY. You don't do EARLY.

Me: Shaddup.

You: How early are we talking, here?

Me: Shaddup!

You: One snooze?

Me: ...

You: TWO snoozes?

Me: *grits teeth*

You: Oh, my God, THREE SNOOZES?

Me: Stop talking about it! Didn't Nate do something for you to coo over or something??

VO Kamren: Oh, here it is! The topic is--

You: Don't change the subject. We can talk about Nate later. We need to discuss the fact that you dragged your insomniac ass out of bed three snoozes early to tweet questions to this guy!

Me: I'm looking forward to the movie! Sheesh!

You: Okay, so you'd have gotten up early if one of the other actors was doing this Twitter thing?

Me: ...I would have if the director was doing it.

You: MOLS!

Me: What's the damn topic, Kamren??

VO Kamren: Uh. *consults notes again* What music will be playing on the bus Mols is driving to Hell, but honestly, I'm kinda interested in this getting up early thing, too.

Me: No. No no no no no. We will be listening to heavy metal on the trip to Hell. Lori will want Hanson or Lady Gaga or something, but we'll compromise with some Sara Barel... whatever her name is and probably some Fun. just so she doesn't get huffy.

You: We are so not done with this tweet thing.

Me: Yes, we are.

You: No, we're not.

VO Kamren: *raises hand* Guys--

You: You've already said you're going to suffer through a romantic comedy next year just because he's in it.

Me: You have no proof of that conversation.

You: I don't need proof! I was there for it!

Me: Wouldn't hold up in court.

You: This isn't court!

VO Kamren: Guys--

Audience: Hush! This is getting good!

Me: No, it isn't! I'm cranking on the AC/DC and jumping into the driver's seat, and we're all going to Hell!

You: I thought you said we'd listen to Fun.?

Me: If it gets us off the Twitter conversation, I'll listen to an entire Fun. album.

You: ...Deal.

Me: And maybe some DaftPunk, just because.

You: I can dig that.

VO Kamren: So... we actually talked about the day's topic?

Us: Yeah.

VO Kamren: And... the audience was entertained?

Audience: Yeah, actually.

VO Kamren: So... wait... this was... a good show?

Me: *shrugs*

You: *shrugs*

Audience: *shrugs*

VO Kamren: Well, okay then. Good show.

You: ...

Me: ...

Audience: ...

VO Kamren: So what do we do now?

Us: *exchange glances* Fade out?

VO Kamren: I guess. It just feels unfinished somehow. Like we're forgetting something.

Audience: Lori didn't Facebook. Or need to pee.

You: I was distracted--waitaminute! Did you get an answer?

Me: Huh?

You: To your tweet questions? Did you get any answers from Dream Guy?

Me: For God's sake!

You: That's a no. That sucks, dude. Sorry.

Me: *rolls eyes* He wasn't answering any yet. Notoriously late sleeper.

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: *leans forward*

Me: What?

You: So... lemme get this straight. You, an insomniac who hates mornings more than anything, dragged out of bed early to tweet questions at a guy you knew wouldn't be up to answer them before you had to leave for work and you'd have to wait all day to even see if he answered at all?

Me: ...Yeah?

You: MOLS!!

Me: Fade out. Fade out!

You: We are so not done here!

VO Kamren: Uh, before violence breaks out, we're calling this a day.

Audience: FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! IN A MUD PIT!

Us: Gross! No!

VO Kamren: *sweats* No! We're done! Join us next time when there will absolutely be no mud wrestling!

-FADE OUT-


	12. Episode 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI, Lori briefly not-quite-dated a lumberjack. Yes, Lori, who likes slender reed musicians. Not-quite-dated a lumberjack. Also, I had just dragged Kamren to see a live performance of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. It was glorious. More on that in later episodes.

VO Kamren: Welcome back to The Show! It's Monday, so I thought we needed a peppier topic, so today's topic is fast cars.

Audience: Yes! Fast cars mean sex!

Me: *sigh*

You: Boring.

VO Kamren: How are fast cars boring?

You: Because they pretty much just drive around in circles and sometimes crash. While a bunch of drunk rednecks watch.

VO Kamren: That's NASCAR! Not all fast cars are NASCAR.

You: No, but getting one's pretty dumb, because it's not like there are many places you can drive one that's worth the ticket you'll get for it.

Audience: Boooooooo. No making sense!

VO Kamren: You can take it overseas and drive on the Autobahn. No speed limit.

Audience: Hot foreigner sex! Yes!

You: *snort* And everyone else'll be driving on the wrong side of the road.

VO Kamren: What about Iowa? Aren't there no speed limits there?

You: ...Used to be, yeah. Not sure if that's changed or not. Mols?

Me: Hm?

You: Are there still no speed limits in Iowa?

Me: I dunno. Didn't use to be.

VO Kamren: Google it.

You: *googles it* Oh, look! I found an article on five things I didn't know about Nate!

VO Kamren: *facepalm*

Audience: *facepalm*

You: Aw! He's a little OCD! He has to get up and pee three times a night--

VO Kamren: You two really are meant for each other.

You: --and he has to take exactly twenty seconds to do everything. Wash his hands and the like. I love that!

VO Kamren: What about the speed limit thing?

You: There's some stuff on here about The Format, too. Aw, I love this list!

VO Kamren: Today's topic!

You: Whatever. We already talked about fast cars.

Audience: Boooo! There isn't enough sex in this conversation!

VO Kamren: Huh. Somehow, I expected this to be more of a thing.

You: Eh, Mols is the one who likes muscle cars.

VO Kamren: *narrows eyes* And she's been awfully quiet. Mols?

Me: Hm?

VO Kamren: You okay?

Me: Yeah.

VO Kamren: ...

You: ...

Audience: ...

Me: What?

You: Mols, why do you look like someone just stole your copy of Pacific Rim?

Me: *siiiiiigh* I'm fine.

You: Okay, now I'm really worried. What's going on?

VO Kamren: Are you upset that Rob didn't answer any of your questions Friday?

Me: *rolls eyes* No. He didn't end up having a lot of time for it, and when his character was revealed, my questions were irrelevant, anyway.

You: Then why are you Eeyore?

Me: *rolls eyes again* I'm not Eeyore!

Audience: You're sighing an awful lot. We thought it was heavy breathing, but it's too depressing for that.

Me: Rude!

You: Mols? You know we're not gonna let this go.

Me: Eh, talk about OCD Nate some more.

You: MOLS!

Me: FINE! I found the video of Rob's sit-in on the BlizzCon panel, and when he got up to demonstrate how he had to walk for the motion capture gear to animate his giant orc character, he... well, he....

You: *leans forward* ...Yes?

Audience: *leans forward* ...Yeah?

VO Kamren: *yawns*

Me: He did the Silly Walk.

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

Me: *sigh*

You: Silly walks are a thing?

Me: Yes! A Monty Python thing. Like the lumberjack thing.

You: *blushes* Yeah, let's not... so he did a silly walk. So what?

Me: No, he did THE Silly Walk, and he's really gonna have to stop liking everything I like and being everything I want! Dammit, Janet!

You: *blinks*

VO Kamren: *blinks* At least I get that reference now.

Audience: *blinks* Is... the Silly Walk sexy?

Me: *sigh* It is when he does it.

Audience: We think we might have another weird boner.

You: Gross!

VO Kamren: I think that might be our cue to wrap this... thing... up. Join us next time for a hopefully spirited -- and not at all inappropriate -- debate between peanuts and cashews!

You: *snicker*

VO Kamren: What?

Me: *snicker*

VO Kamren: What??

Me: You expect us to have a conversation about nuts without it being inappropriate?

Audience: TALK ABOUT NUTS RIGHT NOW!!

You: Gross! But totally true. We will not be able to not make bad innuendo there.

Audience: NOW! We need it NOW!

VO Kamren: Tomorrow! And only if I can't come up with a less salty topic!

Us: Good luck with that.

Audience: Salty nuts right now!

VO Kamren: STOP THAT! Fade out, for God's sake!

-FADE OUT-


	13. Episode 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lori has problems with certain words. We never, ever let her forget.

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show! Today, we're going to carefully, and without any innuendo, talk about peanuts and cashews.

Me: *straight-faced* Peanuts come in pairs. And are best when a little salty.

You: *straight-faced* And cashews look like little dicks.

VO Kamren: Aw, c'mon! That wasn't even innuendo! That was blatant!!

Audience: *breathes heavily* Tell us more.

You: I like 'em roasted.

VO Kamren: *cringes*

Me: Oh, hey! That reminds me - we still need to get you down to the country for a weenie roast!

VO Kamren: Ow! Stop!

Audience: ...Weird boner time again.

You: Please don't use that word.

Audience: What, boner?

Me: *snerk* Weenie.

You: Rude! It's a gross word! Why can't you just say hotdog??

Me: Because "hotdog roast" doesn't sound like innuendo.

VO Kamren: The censor's gonna have a heart attack!

You: We haven't seen the censor since the first episode. What's the big deal?

Me: Yeah, what happened to them, anyway?

VO Kamren: Budget cuts. But the idea stands - stop with the innuendo!

Audience: Seriously. Never stop with the innuendo.

Me: *snerrrrrk* Just wait until we talk about stroking.

Audience: Yes!

You: NO! No stroking, no weenies, and no weenie stroking!!

VO Kamren: *sticks fingers in his ears*

Me: So... you're saying that if Nate wrote a song about things that are moist--

You: NO! Don't do that! My Nate would never write something so crass!

Me: Seriously. The band's name is Fun., and I dunno anything more fun than _just almost_ saying something dirty.

Audience: So, about this moistness--

VO Kamren: LA LA LA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!

You: Stop that! Nate writes about his family and about how sweet and loving his parents are!

Me: *narrows eyes* Sounds boring. Ya know, the opposite of FUN.

You: It's not! It's beautiful. How his mom took care of his dad when he was sick and how his dad bought her a flower shop.

Me: *yawn*

Audience: *yawn*

VO Kamren: Oh, thank God. This topic is safe.

You: And he plays basketball. See? He's good, wholesome loveliness, and his music is wonderful.

Me: Whatever. Basketball sucks. Football, on the other hand....

VO Kamren: Okay, we can talk about football.

Me: Rob likes soccer, of course, but he said once in an interview that he'd have played American football if he'd been raised over here.

You: BORING. Although the pants do wonders for some of those guys' backsides.

Me: I have no argument with that.

VO Kamren: Not again! You two are awful!

Us: You're the one who wanted us to talk about nuts.

Audience: Aaaaaannnnnnd our weird boner's back. Yes!

VO Kamren: No! You don't get to pervert football like you do everything else!

Me: But the penalties are soooo naughty.

Audience: Yes! Naughtiness is good!

You: *smirk* Okay, I hate football, but I love making Kamren twitchy, so... do tell!

Me: Illegal man downfield.

Audience: *George Takei voice* Oh, my!

Me: Illegal use of hands.

You: Nice!

Me: Offensive holding. Rawr!

VO Kamren: *bluuuuuushes*

Me: Illegal touching.

Audience: *fans self*

You: Who named all these things? Good grief, it's like a porno!!

Me: I know, right??

VO Kamren: Hate you. Hate you both.

Me: Well, I guess we're done stroking balls.

You: Talking about nuts.

Me: Same difference, really.

Audience: *raises hand* We're not done yet.

Us: Gross.

VO Kamren: I was gonna say that tomorrow we'll be talking about trains, but I can only imagine what you two sickos will come up with for that one.

You: For some reason, the phrase "coal-powered thrust" comes to mind.

Audience: Yes!

VO Kamren: Whatever. Get out. We're done for the day. Sickos.

Me: I'm already thinking about how "laying track" sounds a little bit dirtier when you say it in a lower tone. And add a "bow chicka bow wow" to the end of it.

Audience: *swoons*

VO Kamren: Stop! Just fade out already! We're all going to Hell!

You: On a coal-powered penis train.

VO Kamren: Nooooooooo!

Me: Aaaaannnnd I think he's broken. Join us next time, folks, when we talk about the expansion of train usage as an allusion to the rape of the American frontier!

You: Nicely done.

VO Kamren: *curls into the fetal position*

-FADE OUT-


	14. Episode 14

VO Kamren: Welcome back to The Show! I'm really excited about this episode because today, we're talking about--

You: Why is he so excited about trains?

Me: I dunno. I thought we kinda broke him yesterday with that whole "raping the American frontier" bit.

VO Kamren: *glares* We're not talking about trains. Maybe never again.

Us: Yes!

VO Kamren: No, since you ruined trains, we're talking about something incorruptibly awesome.

You: Nate's new house he bought this summer?

Me: Rob's back in a tight shirt?

Audience: *perks up*

VO Kamren: Ugh! No! Today's topic is James Bond!

Us: ...

Audience: Woot! This is a sex smorgasbord!

Us: ...

VO Kamren: ...What? Who doesn't want to talk about 007?

Us: *raise hands*

VO Kamren: What? Why? James Bond is... is... an icon! A stud and a ladies' man and a spy with cool gadgets and sweet cars who stops evil masterminds from taking over the world!

Us: *exchange glances*

Me: Do you want to, or should I?

You: Go ahead. All I know about Bond is that the Remington Steele guy played him at some point. And wasn't Madonna in one of them?

Me: This... should be fun.

Audience: *leans forward*

Me: Kamren, James Bond is a womanizing drunk. Nothing more. The women in that series serve only two purposes -- sleeping with him for information, making them bad guys, or serving as bait to distract him, thus requiring either rescue (because women are helpless, of course) or avenging when the bad guys straight up kill them to get to Bond.

VO Kamren: That's not--

Me: Moneypenny is the only woman in that entire series that garners even a modicum of respect from that misogynist jerk, and that only because she refuses to sleep with him.

VO Kamren: It's not like--

Me: And those cool gadgets? He just uses them. Q makes them. Q is the genius who has kept that drunken oaf alive this whole time, although it's debatable if that's a good thing or not.

VO Kamren: But Bond--

Me: And we already talked about fast cars, so 'nuff said, there. In conclusion, the entirety of the Bond series is a chronicle of a woman-using drunk stumbling through missions with the aid of an ACTUAL genius's inventions, causing countless billions of dollars of collateral damage and exposing MI:6 to public scrutiny and costing countless lives, when the government could have just sent in an elite military crew to discreetly take care of any of those so-called evil masterminds without the public either knowing or being killed in the process.

You: *snerks and pulls out phone to Facebook*

Audience: *crickets*

VO Kamren: *blinks*

Me: Still wanna talk about Bond? Because I can do this ALL DAY.

VO Kamren: No. Um... I think that's good.

Me: Good. Lori, what's that you said about Nate having a new house?

You: Just that he bought one this summer. I bet it's lovely.

Me: I'll bet.

Audience: ...Booooo? We think?

You: *eyeroll* And thinks he lost his virginity when he was 15.

Audience: Woot! Sex! Tell us about it!

You: Not like I was there! Sheesh!

Me: Wait wait wait. He THINKS he lost his virginity?

You: Yeah?

Me: How do you THINK you lost your virginity? That's kind of a yes or no answer, there.

You: ...There's some grey area.

Me: Not really.

Audience: Let's get into specific examples!

Us: Ugh! No!

VO Kamren: *twitches*

Me: Anyway, speaking of virginity, when asked how excited he was about the Warcraft movie, Rob said he hasn't been this excited since he lost his.

You: Gross.

Audience: Specifics!

Me: Not like I was there! Sheesh!

You: How old was he?

Me: How would I know that??

VO Kamren: That's enough of that! You two are awful! You've managed to ruin all my favorite things, and now you're talking about people's virginity!

Us: Yeah? And?

Audience: Yeah? And?

VO Kamren: This was supposed to be a conversation about Bond being manly and smooth and an awesome superspy who always saves the day and gets the girl!

Me: You saw how well that went over.

VO Kamren: *stomps foot* Stop ruining things!

You: Isn't that... like... LITERALLY our job?

VO Kamren: How could that possibly be your literal job??

Me: This is a show about pop culture, right? And our opinions on stuff?

VO Kamren: That doesn't mean--

You: And our opinion on stuff is that most of it sucks.

Me: Except Rob.

You: And Nate.

Audience: And sex!

Us: *eyeroll*

VO Kamren: ...I'ma go get drunk and screw some nameless, gorgeous, foreign woman.

You: *snicker*

Me: *snicker*

Audience: Tell us more!

VO Kamren: What's with the snickering??

You: You're no James Bond, kid.

VO Kamren: Hate. This. Show.

Me: I think that about wraps it up, right?

You: Yup. Most male movie icons are misogynistic jerks, and Nate is glorious.

Me: As is Rob's back in a tight shirt.

Audience: We'll take it. We're desperate.

VO Kamren: Whatever. Everyone out. I need a drink.

Me: Shaken, not stirred?

VO Kamren: That wasn't called for.

Us: *snicker*

-FADE OUT-


	15. Episode 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Neal is a guy (an AWESOME guy) we work with. He also went with Kamren and I (and Lori's mom because Lori was sick) to see Rocky Horror Picture Show. Good times were had by all.
> 
> Also, that little trivia in-joke comes back for a curtain call.

VO Kamren: Despite the atrocity the last episode became, welcome back to The Show! Today, we have a very special announcement.

Me: Uh-oh.

You: That's never good.

VO Kamren: Today, we have a guest!

You: Nate?? Did you--

Me: I can't meet Rob. I can't EVER meet Rob! HIDE ME!

VO Kamren: Um... no. Sorry, guys. Guess I shouldn't have... it's Neal.

You: Aw, man.

Me: Whew! Wait, what's Neal doing here?

Neal: *strolls in* Kamren said you were doing a trivia show, so....

Me: We're finally doing trivia? Awesome!

You: Why didn't we do it this morning? I'm always better at trivia in the morning.

Neal: I was busy. Let's get this party started! *aside* I have a meeting in ten minutes.

VO Kamren: Right then. Let's get started! And, in honor of our special guest, we're doing Rocky Horror Picture Show trivia!

You: Hey, no fair! I couldn't go!

Neal: Um... no sports questions?

Me: Hit me. I'm open.

Audience: That show was mostly about sex, right?

Me: And science fiction.

Audience: We're gonna ignore that and focus on the implicit agreement implied by the "and".

You: That is soooooo creepy. It's like their hive mind is getting SMARTER.

Neal: ...Are they always like that?

Me: You have NO idea.

VO Kamren: First question: What are the names of the two protagonists?

Me: Brad and Janet!

Neal: Huh. I thought their names were asshole and slut.

Me: Also acceptable.

You: This game is rigged.

VO Kamren: Second question: How do Brad and Janet end up at Frankfurter's castle?

Neal: Tire blowout.

Me: Because he didn't get that spare tire fixed.

Neal: Because he's an asshole.

You: *huffs*

VO Kamren: Next question: Why did they go to the castle?

Me: To use the phone.

Neal: Although castles don't have phones, asshole.

Me, Neal, and VO Kamren: *chuckle*

You: THIS TRIVIA SUCKS.

VO Kamren: What does RiffRaff remember doing again and again and again?

You: THE TIME WARP. Ha, suckers!

Everyone else: *raises eyebrows*

Me: Don't you have to pee yet?

You: Went before The Show started.

Me: Since when does that make a difference?

VO Kamren: Next question: What is the Time Warp?

Me: It's just a jump to the left.

Audience: AND THEN A STEP TO THE RI-II-II-IIIGHT!

Neal: You put your hands on your hips.

Audience: AND BRING YOUR KNEES IN TI-II-IIGHT!

VO Kamren: But it's the pelvic thrusts that really drive--

You: NO! Bad Kamren! Never ever do that again!

VO Kamren: Fine. *pouts* Next question: What is Frankfurter wearing around his neck when he appears?

Me: *snicker* A pearl necklace.

Neal: *snicker*

Audience: *snicker*

You: Gross. You are all children.

VO Kamren: What does Frankfurter see you shiver with?

Me: Antici...

Neal: ...

Audience: ...

You: *rolls eyes* Come on.

Me: ...

Neal: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

You: Just say it!

Me: ...

Neal: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...*shivers*...

You: OH MY GOD JUST DO IT ALREADY!!

Me: ...pation.

VO Kamren: What has Frankfurter been making in his lab?

Neal: A man.

Me: With blonde hair and a tan.

Audience: Oooooh, yeah, baby!

You: Grooooooossssss.

Me: *snerk* She doesn't like a man with too many muscles.

Neal: *snerk* He didn't make him for her!

VO Kamren: Who is the most happy when Eddie breaks out of Frankfurter's deep freeze?

Me: Columbia.

You: Who the heck is Columbia?

Me: Tapdancer in the tophat.

You: ...Oh.

VO Kamren: Whatever happened to Saturday night?

Me: ...

Neal: ...

You: ...

Audience: ...

Me: Ya know, I don't think that question is ever answered in the song.

VO Kamren: Huh. Okay, then. When Eddie said he didn't like his teddy, what did you know about him?

Me: He was a no-good kid.

Neal: But when he threatened your life with a switchblade knife...

You: What a guy?

Audience: Makes you cry.

VO Kamren: Und I deed.

You: ...The fuck??

VO Kamren: What was such a tender subject over dinner?

Me: Eddie!

Neal: Gross.

You: Why is that gross?

Neal: They were eating Eddie. He was literally tender.

You: GROSS! I hate this trivia! Why can't we ask questions I actually know the answers to??

VO Kamren: *sigh* I guess it is a little unfair.

Me: *sigh* Whatever.

Neal: *shrug* I could go for some sports questions.

Audience: Yeah, we were a little embarrassed about our boners when cannibalism came into it.

You: GROSS.

VO Kamren: Okay, okay. Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

You: Spongebob Squarepants!

Me: Oi.

VO Kamren: What's the longest river in the world?

You: The Nile!

Neal: *shakes head*

VO Kamren: What's the capital of Mexico?

You: Mexico City-- _waitaminute!!_ You're just patronizing me, aren't you?

VO Kamren: Pretty much, yeah.

You: BASTARD!!

Me: Iiiiii think that might be it for our trivia show.

Neal: Hey, there weren't any sports questions!

You: *huffs* What do most of the sports questions have in common?

Me: BALLS!

You: Exactly!

Neal: Ya know, I think that might be it for our trivia show.

VO Kamren: You read my mind. Let's get out before it gets any weirder.

Audience: Yeah, we don't even have a boner anymore. This show sucked.

Me: I got a kick out of it.

You: I'll give you a kick out of it. *scowls*

Me: ...Duly noted. Peace out, yo!

VO Kamren: Just fade out already. Neal, thanks for dropping by.

Neal: Yeah, let's not get used to it.

VO Kamren: Understood.

-FADE OUT-


	16. Episode 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: I had just listened to that Sara Bareilles song "Sweet As Whole" before writing this. It might have crept into the writing. Just a bit. Also, I'm pretty sure Kamren's never actually said the F-word.

VO Kamren: Welcome back to The Show! Today's topic is Thanksgiving! Should be... interesting.

You: What's Thanksgiving?

Me: It's that food holiday between Halloween and Christmas that's never advertised.

You: Ah.

Audience: Boooooo. Family holidays are bad for sex.

Me: You ain't kidding.

VO Kamren: I shudder to think how you guys will ruin Thanksgiving.

You: Hey, it isn't us who ruins the holidays. It's family.

Me: *nods* Absolutely. Since I'm the only one in my family still readily talking to all the other members, it falls to me to coordinate everyone, and by the time the day actually hits, I kinda hate everyone for being a bunch of childish jerks.

You: And no one wants to do the big dinner on the same day. Or they wanna do it at someone else's house. Or they want something new to eat this year.

Me: Ugh, and if the extended family comes...?

You: Oh, God, yes! Aunts and uncles and cousins you haven't seen since you were still in diapers and are just supposed to magically know.

Me: Or aunts, uncles, and cousins you DELIBERATELY haven't seen forever because they just plain suck. I'm looking at you, Uncle Wes.

You: Oh yeah. That guy's an asshole.

Me: And Aunt Jan.

You: That girl's a bitch.

Me: And don't even get me started about my banker cousin who took over my home loan and just RUINED me.

You: Fuck that guy. He's just an asshole.

Me: Amen.

Audience: For once, we aren't taking that wrong. Seriously. Just fuck that guy.

VO Kamren: I think you guys don't know how to family right. We always have a great time at Thanksgiving.

Me: *snerk* Do you guys dress up as Indians and pilgrims?

You: I can see him in feathered headgear.

Me: Heheheheh, and his poor mother in an uber-conservative pilgrim woman dress.

You: With a pumpkin pie in hand.

VO Kamren: Rude! And even if we did--

Me: I KNEW IT!!

VO Kamren: --WHICH WE DON'T, it'd just be a sign of our gratitude for what we have.

You: You're kinda forgetting the fact that we already showed our gratitude.

Me: Yeah, by decimating the native population with diseases before we even settled, then taking what we learned from them and stealing their whole country, forcing them to either fight to the death or retreat to reservations where they aged and died in abject misery while we killed all the buffalo and cut down all the trees and just generally went full asshole on their way of life.

You: That about sums it up.

VO Kamren: WHY DO YOU GUYS DO THIS??

Us: *shrug* It's fun.

Audience: This is the most bonerless conversation ever. Is there such a thing as a regret boner?

Me: If there is, I'm sure you whackjobs can manage it.

You: Gross. But true.

VO Kamren: I don't wanna talk about this anymore.

Me: Kinda makes you remember the "don't litter" commercials with the Indian dude standing in the middle of a trash-ridden field with a single tear streaking down his stoic cheek.

You: Except Kamren's ugly-crying.

VO Kamren: *sniffles* Not crying. Mad. Hate you.

Us: Awwwwwww.

Audience: Awwwwwww.

VO Kamren: Fade out. You guys suck. Hate everyone. Happy fucking holidays.

Us: That's the spirit!

-FADE OUT-


	17. Episode 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI - Mr. Avoidance McDoesntwatch is Kamren. He is THE WORST about watching movies that are recommended to him. Seriously. I gave him a copy of Pacific Rim back in, like, February, and he didn't watch it until December.

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show! Now that we've thoroughly trashed Thanksgiving and ruined the season for everyone, the topic for today is--

Me: *sniffles*

VO Kamren: ...

You: ...

Audience: *crickets*

Me: ...

You: Mols?

Me: Yeah?

You: You coming down with a cold?

Me: No. Go on, Kamren. What's the topic?

VO Kamren: Okee doke. Today's topic is--

You: Uh, no. What's with the sniffle? You don't sniffle.

Me: *sigh* Nothing.

You: Uh-oh. Did you find out Rob is dating or something?

Audience: *leans forward*

Me: Naw, nothing like that.

You: Then...?

Me: *siiiiiigh* It's stupid.

You: That's pretty much standard fare for this show.

Audience: We can attest to that.

VO Kamren: Hey!

Me: I just... they took down that video of the BlizzCon footage. I wanted to see the Silly Walk again, but it's gone.

You: ...Okay, my kneejerk reaction here is to point and laugh at you being ridiculous, but if I had a favorite Nate video of him doing something precious and I suddenly couldn't watch it anymore, I'd probably be sobbing in a corner, so... sorry. That sucks.

Me: *shrug* Eh, it's the internet. It's probably on there somewhere else under a different title. It was just... it was late and I was tired and was on my way to bed and... *sniffle*

You: *pats* There, there. You'll find it again tonight, I'm sure.

VO Kamren: Great. Fine. Are we done? Can we get to the topic now?

You: Yeah, but let's make it something upbeat. She doesn't usually get all raincloudy like this, and I don't wanna make it worse.

VO Kamren: *whispers* Is she on her period or something?

You: *slaps him* NO! BAD KAMREN! That is not... no!

VO Kamren: Ow.

Audience: Dude. Even WE know not to ask that question.

Me: I'm just tired, jerk. Insomnia jag. My defenses are down. RUDE.

VO Kamren: You heard that?

Me: NOT. DEAF. You whisper like a winded ogre with lung cancer, jerkface.

VO Kamren: ...Oh.

You: ANYWAY, what's the topic, Mr. Sensitivity and Tact?

VO Kamren: *blushes* Well, it was gonna be Christmas music, but I think that's probably one for the backburner.

Me: *cringes* Or the trash can.

VO Kamren: So let's do 90s music instead.

You: Better. Although we're doing Christmas music at some point.

Me: *cringes* Whatever. I'm sick that day.

You: You can't call in sick for an unspecified future date.

Me: BET ME.

You: *eyeroll* ANYWAY, while we do have widely varying tastes in music, we both like a lot of 90s music.

VO Kamren: Because you both are kind of from that generation.

Me: Actually, my musical tastes started their evolution in the 80s, but I'm eclectic, so... yeah. Love me some alternative.

You: *narrows eyes* Are you saying we're old, Kamren?

VO Kamren: Not... I didn't... how...?

You: You suck and your millenial music sucks. The 90s RULED musically!

Audience: ...We're getting the feeling this will not be a sexy conversation.

Me: I think you guys should evolve your tastes. Why do you even keep coming to this show if you know we're not gonna talk about sex??

Audience: ...Blind hope?

Me: *eyeroll*

You: ANYWAY, we need to have a 90s karaoke day!

Me: I wouldn't be deadset against that.

VO Kamren: Don't have the equipment.

Us: *snerk* Tell us something we DON'T know.

Audience: Hosnap! That's a burn, dude. Burn!

VO Kamren: Rude.

Me: Besides, these days, you don't need anything but a laptop or a smart phone.

You: *opens mouth*

Me: I swear to God, if you say something about a data plan, I'ma hurt you.

You: *closes mouth*

Me: ANYWAY, you can find just about anything karaokified on YouTube.

You: We should do all Fun. songs!

Me: ...

You: Fine. We should at least do SOME Fun. songs.

Me: I'll compromise.

You: *takes out phone* _Waitaminute._

Me: What?

You: Hey! No!

Me: Lori?

You: *weeps in a corner*

Me: *eyes Kamren* What did you do, Rudeperson McJerkface??

VO Kamren: Nothing! I swear! I've been here the whole time!

You: Nooooo! Fun. did a Christmas song a while back, but I can't find it anymore! Noooooo!

Me: Okay, normally I'd point and laugh at you being ridiculous, but after the missing Silly Walk, I'd be SOOOO throwing rocks in my glass house, so... *pats*... there, there. It'll be okay.

You: *cries more*

Audience: This episode is unexpectedly depressing.

VO Kamren: We should've stuck to the original topic.

Me: Which was...?

VO Kamren: Clowns.

Me: ...

You: *stops crying abruptly* ...

Audience: ...

VO Kamren: What? What's wrong with clowns? Aren't they happy?

Me: Happy EATING YOUR SOUL. Geez, man!

You: Clowns are awful. Just saggy suits full of white-faced awful.

Audience: Anyone who gets a boner around a clown is just wrong. And WE'RE saying that.

Me: Day-umn.

Audience: Exactly.

VO Kamren: But I... the circus... and Ronald McDonald... and... but... clowns??

Me: Clowns are bad. Leave it at that. Or go home and watch IT.

You: *snorts* Not likely.

Me: Right. Sorry. Forgot who I was talking to, Mr. Avoidance McDoesntwatch.

VO Kamren: Why am I getting all the abuse today??

You: You exist.

Me: And you kinda set yourself up for it.

Audience: And since we're not getting sex, we might as well get violence.

Us: Sounds legit.

VO Kamren: Well, stop it! It's freaking me out!

Me: This is, like, a really long episode.

You: I know, right? I've had to pee like three times. And it doesn't feel like we really talked about anything.

Audience: Par for the course.

Us: Rude. But true.

VO Kamren: Ugh. Let's just quite while we're ahe-- no. While we're not so horribly far behind.

Me: I'ma go see if I can't find another upload of the BlizzCon panel.

You: I'ma go see if I can't find another upload of that Fun. Christmas song.

Audience: We're gonna go visit literally all of the easy-to-access porn sites on the 'net.

VO Kamren: I'ma go get drunk. This show sucks.

Me: At least we're all happy.

VO Kamren: Hate you. Hate you all.

You: *sigh* I just love a happy ending.

Audience: *waggles eyebrows* So do we.

Us: Gross!

VO Kamren: Ugh. I don't want to know. Just go. Geez.

-FADE OUT-


	18. Episode 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, Kamren hasn't listened to a terribly wide variety of music. I mentioned he's a bit sheltered, right? We never, ever let him forget it.

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show! Today's topic is--

Me: Musicals.

VO Kamren: ...

You: ...

Audience: *shifts like restless cattle before a storm*

Me: What? We never talk about what I want to talk about, so this is a compromise. I know Lori likes musicals. Let's do this thing.

You: *shrug* I'm in.

VO Kamren: Huh. Well. I guess... okay, then. Today's topic is musicals.

Audience: Musicals are boring. And sexless.

Me: Hey, now. Musicals are important. In fact, the very first talkie was a musical - _The Jazz Singer._ The minute we could link up sound and moving picture, we started singing about it.

You: I can dig that. And they're always so grand, ya know? The dancing and singing and orchestration. I love it.

Me: Exactly! The performers had to have real talent. They had to be able to sing and dance AND act, often all at the same time, and that's not nearly as easy as you might think.

You: Weren't you in _Oklahoma!_ a few years back?

Me: I was. And I freaking hated that auction scene. We didn't get it right even a single time and I had to ad lib like CRAZY to keep it moving.

You: ...What's that got to do with it being a musical.

Me: ...Nothing? Just... it bore repeating.

You: Okee doke. What's your favorite musical?

Me: I dunno if I have a favorite. I know yours is _Annie_ , though.

You: Kinda tied with _The Sound of Music_ , actually.

Me: I can dig that. I really liked _Brigadoon_. And _The Wizard of Oz_ is always pretty high up on the list.

You: Oh, hellyeah!

Me: OH! And, believe it or not, Rob was in a live musical before he was "famous"!

You: ...

Me: ...

Audience: *yawns*

VO Kamren: *checks Profootballmock.com on smart phone*

You: ...Ya don't say?

Me: Yup. I saw a little clip of it on Tumblr a while back. He was just part of the chorus - think he was a newsboy or something - but he had like solo drop-in parts in a song and everything. Nothing to really show off if he has a good voice or not, but he could clearly carry a tune and he danced really well.

You: ...Huh. I... kinda don't know what to say.

Me: Starting to like him a little bit more?

You: ...

Me: I mean, there's really nothing like a guy who can sing, especially with that accent of his.

You: ...*twitches*...

Me: And even if he's not like "cut an album" good, though he may be for all we know, you gotta admit that your little musician-loving heart just went pitter-pat.

You: ...Didn't say that...

Me: *smug* But you're thinking it. He's still not your type, of course, but seriously. Dude can sing. And dance.

You: ...He's not a musician, per se.

Me: Aw, c'mon! Now you're just splitting hairs!

You: Gross! No hair talk! You know it makes me gag!

Me: Everything makes you gag. *waggles eyebrows* EVERYTHING.

Audience: *perks up* Yes. Let's talk about things that make you gag!

You: NO! SHADDUP!

VO Kamren: Yeah. Ew.

Me: Anyway, food for thought.

You: Whatever. Back to musicals.

Me: Right.

Audience: *dozes off*

Me: What about any "modern" musicals? I mean, there was that classic bit in the 80s where they were trying to make, like, rock musicals. Popular-type music, but still with the "musical" formula where you sing what's going on. _Little Shop of Horrors_. _Earth Girls Are Easy_. That kind of thing.

You: Meh. They're okay, I guess. _Little Shop_ was still kind of an old-school musical, but with a goofy sci-fi twist and more rock-ish music. Never saw _Earth Girls Are Easy_.

Me: Oh, man! You got to! Geena Davis and Jeff Goldblum! Of course, neither of them actually sing. Madonna sings the one song Geena's character sings. Mostly, it just kinda showcased a pop singer who was trying to make it at the time, but she was no Cindy Lauper.

You: Who is?

Me: No one. I dunno anyone else who could've gotten away with singing about female masturbation in that day and age.

Audience: *is instantly awake* We heard our favorite word. Who's masturbating??

VO Kamren: *jerks out of daze* Wait, what??

You: You've heard "She Bop", right?

VO Kamren: ...?

Me: Shocking. I am just shocked that you haven't heard a song. *headshake*

Audience: That's about--

Me: Yes.

You: Yes.

Audience: *adds to playlist*

You: ANYWAY....

Me: Okay, so what about even more recent ones, like _Burlesque_ or _Rock of Ages_?

You: You know how I feel about _Burlesque_.

Me: True. And I gotta admit that I was pleasantly surprised. It wasn't what I was expecting, and while I hate a love story, the music was AWESOME. As was Cher, of course.

You: And _Rock of Ages_ was pretty cool, too.

Me: It really was. A musical about the coke-fueled excesses of an entire generation set to the music that generation produced? Genius. And even Tom Cruise couldn't ruin it. Beautiful.

Audience: We're starting to not like it when you stick on topic.

VO Kamren: I kinda like it. Less chance of them saying something inappropriate.

Us: *exchange smirks*

You: Plus, _Rock of Ages_ was just PACKED with sex.

Audience: *perks up again*

Me: The 80s were all about sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll, so that's what _Rock of Ages_ was about, dudes. Lots and lots of SEX.

VO Kamren: Aw, c'mon, guys! You were doing so well! Don't spoil it!

You: Stacee Jaxx was basically a sex god in the flesh.

Me: And Catherine Zeta-Jones ended the movie in biker fetish gear.

Audience: *breathes heavily*

VO Kamren: Cut it out!

Me: Heck, the credits roll to a cover of "Here I am! Rocked you like a hurricane!", which is seriously just all about road sex with groupies.

Audience: TELL US MORE!!

VO Kamren: That's enough of that! Stop pandering to the audience!

You: Aren't we supposed to pander to the audience? I mean... isn't that kinda the point of a show?

VO Kamren: *twitches* SINCE WHEN DO YOU CARE??

Me: Since it makes you twitch.

You: Pretty much.

VO Kamren: You guys are awful. No more musicals. They're too racy for this show.

Me: Huh. That's something you don't hear every day.

You: I guess that means crocheting and playing solitaire are out, then, too.

Audience: Are you doing it naked??

VO Kamren: NO! No crochet and no solitaire!

Us: *snerk and fistbump*

VO Kamren: How can you ruin every single topic, no matter how innocent?

Me: Just talent, I guess.

You: And determination.

Audience: And our great good luck?

VO Kamren: I quit.

You: I feel like we've had this conversation before.

VO Kamren: Cut. Stop. Finished. This episode is over.

Me: I could keep going.

Audience: YES! Keep going!

You: I could have, but they kinda look like... well... like they don't need much longer. And I don't wanna be here for that.

Me: ...Duly noted. We're out.

VO Kamren: *headpodiums repeatedly*

Audience: That'll do in a pinch!

You: Ew! No pinching!

Me: Cut! Fade out! We are sooooo done!!

-FADE OUT-


	19. Episode 19

VO Kamren: Whaddup, yos?

Me: *crickets*

You: *crickets*

Audience: *crickets*

VO Kamren: We's all up in da hizzie wit Da Show, yo! Today's topic be whack!

Me: If it's not the study of ebonics or the evolution of slang toward the ideal of "black = cool", I'm confused.

You: Or the proliferation of Whitey McWhitersons who think they can talk black without it sounding horrifically wrong.

VO Kamren: So... no?

Us: Yes. No.

VO Kamren: Wait... yes? Or no?

Me: *eyeroll*

You: No, Kamren. No forever.

VO Kamren: You guys never let me do anything fun.

You: You made us talk about hair care products and personal hygiene. AND RELATIONSHIPS.

Me: And no one EVER lets me talk about science. Or sci fi. Or horror movies. Or video games. Or wrestling. Or football. Or--

You: We get the point.

Me: *huffs*

You: Hey, did you find the stupid walk thing?

Me: Silly Walk!

You: Same thing.

Me: Not even CLOSE to the same thing!!

You: Whatever. Did you?

Me: Yes. I found the entire panel, including the bit where the audience got to shout either "For the Alliance!" or the infinitely preferable "FOR THE HORDE!!" at the top of their lungs, and it'll actually be put in the movie. *sigh* Rob led the "FOR THE HORDE!!" shout, and it was echoing epic awesomeness.

You: *yawn*

VO Kamren: *fiddles with his phone*

Audience: Why don't we ever get to be in a movie?

Me: I know, right??

You: Bored now. And I still can't find Nate's Christmas song. Kamren, what's the topic?

VO Kamren: Uh... lemme just... *flips through pages*... Chinese food.

You: Oh, sweet! I love Chinese food! I could talk about it all day!

Me: With appropriately-spaced bathroom breaks, of course.

You: Shaddup. Rude.

Me: But true?

You: ...Shaddup.

Audience: Chinese food isn't very sexy.

Me: Uh... no. Why would it be?

Audience: Make an eggroll joke. Please.

You: Gross.

Me: No. Bad audience.

VO Kamren: I feel like I should have a censor button where, if it feels like you guys are going in an inappropriate direction, I can push it and, like, bleep you or something.

You: That would be a disaster. You'd be bleeping everything, inappropriate or not.

Me: *snerk* Or we'd just make things sound ALMOST dirty to get you to bleep there, then say something truly appalling when you think the coast is clear.

You: Oh, hellyeah! This is starting to sound like an awesome idea!

VO Kamren: Or it could be attached to your chairs and give you each an electric shock, instead.

Audience: ...Weird boner time again.

Me: Gross.

You: Why would that even remotely give anyone a boner?? Weird or otherwise??

Audience: We don't know. That's why it's weird.

VO Kamren: Ugh! You're supposed to be talking about Chinese food!

You: Right. What's your favorite? Mine is the cashew chicken at Mythos.

Me: ...Which isn't actually Chinese food.

You: I know, I know. It's a Greek-European restaurant. Whatever.

Me: No, I mean cashew chicken isn't really Chinese food. It was invented in Springfield, for cryin out loud.

You: That's just urban legend.

Me: Google it. Whether it was Springfield or not is irrelevant. It was invented here in the States and is NOT Chinese food.

You: Okay, Miss FancyPants. What's your favorite Chinese food?

Me: Japanese food.

You: ...?

Me: I like Japanese food better than Chinese food. But if I had to pick strictly Chinese, I'd go with potstickers.

You: ...Okay, those aren't bad.

Me: And the braised chicken strips on a stick. Those are pretty tasty, too, depending on the sauce.

You: Ugh. They always use weird chicken for those.

Me: Not if you get them fresh from the kitchen. They usually do plenty of just plain white-meat strips, but they're the ones that go fast, leaving the ones with weird meat behind.

Audience: ...Is "weird meat" supposed to be sexy?

Us: NO.

Audience: ...Oops.

VO Kamren: Gross.

You: I like the chicken mushroom stirfry at that one place. It's really good.

Me: You ain't kiddin. I like it, too. But I get it with just steamed rice because their fried rice is weird.

You: I know, right? How hard is it to screw up fried rice? I mean, you boil or steam it, then you fry it. Not difficult.

Me: I make it at home fairly often and, yeah, not that difficult.

You: Do you, like, throw your knives and forks around when you do it?

Me: ...

You: You know, like the hibachi chefs at a Japanese steak house do?

Me: ...

You: ...Mols?

Me: ...

You: YOU DO, DON'T YOU!!

Me: ...Shaddup.

You: Ha! I can just see you banging your spatulas on the stove and tossing them behind your back, then taking out your knife and doing some dumb trick that ends with it, like, stuck in your arm or something.

Me: Oh, please. I've never stabbed myself.

You: But you have done hibachi tricks?

Me: Don't act like you're surprised.

Audience: We wanna see!

Me: *eyeroll* You wanna see it naked.

Audience: ...What, you think we're gonna argue?

Me: GROSS! Bad audience!

VO Kamren: I can do some nifty tricks with kitchen utensils.

You: You're no Iron Chef, Kamren.

VO Kamren: Rude.

Audience: We were gonna take that out of context, but then we remembered it's Kamren.

Me: Uh, yeah, no. That would be too weird, even for you buncha freaks.

Audience: We have standards.

VO Kamren: I'm standing RIGHT HERE.

You: ANYWAY, I think that about does it for that topic.

Me: Probably so. We're pushing our luck already.

VO Kamren: You have NO IDEA.

Audience: Aaah, pssss, push it! Puh-push it REAL GOOD!

Me: *blinks* This blast from the past brought to you by plain table salt and fresh-ground black pepper.

You: *headshake*

VO Kamren: Everybody sucks. I want my censor button. Like... yesterday.

Me: Yes! Let's talk about time travel!

Everyone else: NO!

Me: Suuuuuck.

You: Ugh. Let's just go.

-FADE OUT-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will not be answering questions about whether or not I do, in fact, throw around knives and utensils while cooking at home. Just putting that out there.


	20. Episode 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI - "the teacher" is a long story. It's best not to ask. Lori likes to date, but there are a lot of jerks out there.
> 
> Also, again, Kamren really does not keep girls in his basement. He doesn't even have a basement.

VO Kamren: Welcome back to The Show! Who knew we'd get to 20 episodes?

Me: Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You: What?

Me: We've done 20 episodes _this season_ , right?

You: Twenty episodes total.

Me: ...

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: *crickets*

Me: You guys said we were second season.

VO Kamren: I don't remember saying that.

You: When did "we" say that?

Me: Way back in the first episode this season!

You: I can't remember past yesterday. Sometimes, not even past right now.

Me: I was complaining about the logo being pink and sparkly, and you said "We're second season. They aren't changing it." Or something close to that.

You: ...*shifty eyes*

VO Kamren: ...*shifty eyes*

Me: Well??

You: That was... just a kinda tossaway line.

Me: ...

You: To shut you up.

Me: ...

You: It fiddly worked.

Me: ...I have been wracking my brain THIS WHOLE SERIES to try and figure what out of all our conversations counted as Season One!

You: Why didn't you just ask?

Me: Because from how you said it, it should've been obvious!!

VO Kamren: Um... guys?

Us: WHAT??

VO Kamren: ...Never mind. We'll worry about the topic later.

Audience: When does the mud-wrestling pit arrive?

You: What does that even mean?

Audience: You guys are gonna fight, right?

Me: Ew! No! Geez!

Audience: Booooooo.

Me: Ugh. Let's just get on with it.

You: Why are you so cranky?

Me: ...Not cranky.

You: You are a little tetchy.

Me: ...*kicks a rock*...Nothing.

You: Mols.....?

Me: *sigh* Not gonna see much from Rob for a while. The latest World of Warcraft game just came out, and he's already into it.

You: *eyeroll*

VO Kamren: *eyeroll*

Audience: That's one of those games where the women's armor is wildly impractical and skimpy and wouldn't actually serve armor's one purpose of protecting vital organs, right?

Me: Yup. Well, I haven't seen much of this one but the trailer, but yeah, historically.

Audience: ...We'll be right back.

You: ...The whole audience just got up and walked out.

VO Kamren: ...I... what do we do now?

Me: ...I dunno. That's never happened before. Should we... keep going? Or just... like...?

You: *shrug*

VO Kamren: I guess... keep going? I mean, we got a show to film, here.

Me: *shrug*

You: *shrugs again*

VO Kamren: Okay, then. Uh, topic is "hot guys you'll never have".

Us: ...

VO Kamren: Just reading the... *flaps page*

Me: Not. Cool.

You: Seriously. SO not cool.

VO Kamren: Hey, I don't make the topics!

Me: Here I was just bemoaning the fact that I won't be getting any updates on THE HOT GUY I'LL NEVER HAVE, and you pull that crap biscuit out of your cookie jar??

You: And here I was just debating whether or not I should respond to this text from the teacher asking if--

Me: Whoa, back the truck up. You what now??

You: ...Did I say that out loud?

Me: Yes. Yes, you did. DO NOT RESPOND TO THE TEACHER.

VO Kamren: Why...?

Me: He's a jerk. A possessive, over-eager jerk who freaked out at her suggestion that they take things slowly because she just wanted to have fun and hang out without forming a relationship.

VO Kamren: Yeah, no. Bad Lori. Do not respond to the teacher.

You: But he's pretty! And he made me feel good about myself!

Me: Until he tried to dictate your life.

You: ...He's a good kisser.

Me: So are golden retrievers. Doesn't mean you want to waste your time cleaning up their poop.

You: Gross.

Me: But true.

VO Kamren: Any other hot guys you'll never have you want to talk about?

Us: Hate you.

VO Kamren: Par for the course. So does that mean we're done?

Me: ...Is it kinda weird that I miss the audience chiming in with inappropriate suggestions and comments?

You: Yes.

Me: Oh.

You: ...

Me: ...

VO Kamren: ...

You: Never mind. I'm starting to get what you mean.

Me: Right??

You: We could always talk about Nate, but... I kinda already said everything I know about him.

Me: How about, like, Chris Cornell?

You: Oh, yeah. And Steve from Ghost Hunters.

Me: Didn't you also like that rat-faced actor guy? Uh... Norton? Edward Norton? Is that it?

You: Yes! The Fight Club guy that wasn't Brad Pitt!

Me: Ugh. So rat-faced.

You: He's beautiful.

Me: *shudders*

You: You're just mad that he's not Vin Diesel.

Me: He's probably mad he's not Vin Diesel, too.

You: *thwaps* Rude!

Me: Sadly, I tend to only have room for one crush at a time. I was into Vin for YEARS before Gerard Butler knocked him off his pedestal, and I liked Gerard for a good long time before Rob came along and just destroyed all other men for me. *sigh*

You: ...

Me: ...

Us: Kamren, you suck.

VO Kamren: What? Why?

Me: You made us remember we'll never get these guys, ya jerk!

VO Kamren: Then why do you crush on them??

You: Why do you keep girls in your basement!!

VO Kamren: ...*shifty eyes*...Fiddly don't....

Me: Exactly! We crush on them because we can't help ourselves!

VO Kamren: *sweats* Well, that's all the time we have for today! Join us next time, when we definitely don't talk about ruined dreams and broken hopes!

Us: SUCH AN ASSHOLE!!

VO Kamren: I'm running away now!

-FADE OUT-


	21. Episode 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, guys, but sometimes I just have to science. They NEVER let me science!

VO Kamren: Welcome back to The Show!

Me: I'm kinda surprised we have an audience today.

You: Why? It didn't snow that much. I'm even here.

Me: Figured they'd all still be playing Warlords of Draenor.

Audience: We're just playing for the scantily-clad chicks. We can do that any time.

You: Gross.

Me: *headshake* Shame on you all. What happened to "FOR THE HORDE!!"?

Audience: You're the only one who thinks that's sexy.

You: They have a point.

Me: Shaddup. That's only when Rob does it.

VO Kamren: ANYWAY, we have a very timely topic for today: snow!

Us: ...

Audience: ...

VO Kamren: Well?

You: What about it?

Me: It's cold? And can kinda be a pain to swipe off your car in the morning?

You: And I hate hate HATE driving in it?

VO Kamren: *eyeroll* Or it's beautiful and turns the world all pretty and Christmas-y?

Audience: *yawns*

You: You live in a postcard, don't you?

VO Kamren: ...Not sure how to take that.

Me: It does make things all picturesque, but like most pictures, it doesn't tell the whole story.

VO Kamren: But I thought pictures were worth a thousand words.

Me: Lies.

You: Total bullshit.

VO Kamren: *sadface*

Audience: Boring.

You: *shrug* We could talk about, I dunno, Christmas music or something. I found that one song by Nate's old band, The Format, and I even found an actual Fun. Christmas song!

Me: I'd rather saw off my ears with a bendy straw.

You: ...Huh.

Audience: That's dedication.

Me: You have no idea.

You: Not all Christmas music is bad, ya know.

Me: Ya know, you're right.

You: *instantly suspicious*

Me: I love taking traditional Christmas songs and writing in zombies.

You: MOLS.

Me: *sings* Oh, the zombies outside are frightful--

You: No. I don't wanna hear this.

Me: But the fortress is delightful--

You: *plugs ears* La la la la la--

Me: And since it's our brand new home--

VO Kamren: I'm not sure this is appropriate.

Me: Let 'em moan, let 'em moan, let 'em moan!

Audience: *hums along*

Me: Oh, they show no signs of stopping, but their heads will soon be popping, as soon as I switch ammo! Let 'em moan, let 'em moan, let 'em moan!

Audience: We like this. It's like Bing Crosby with a brain tumor and an apocalypse fetish!

Me: I seriously put a ton of them up on my website. Fun for the whole family. I try to do a new one each year, but it's hard to stick to traditional ones without stepping on the religious ones.

You: At least you have SOME decency.

Me: ...I think I resent that remark.

VO Kamren: I don't think we should talk about Christmas music anymore. Like, ever again.

Me: Rob got all science-y in his Twitter feed this weekend, then was sad that tweets about someone flashing their buttcheek got more attention than his tweet on orbital mechanics and interferometry.

You: *yawn*

VO Kamren: *yawn*

Audience: *yawn*

Me: He was talking about Philae, the European probe that landed on that comet. It was an amazing feat that no one was remotely sure would work and almost didn't.

Everybody else: *snores*

Me: And then its battery ran out because it accidentally landed at the base of a cliff or a crater and couldn't receive sunlight to keep it charged, so it only managed to send one big infodump before shutting down.

Everybody else: *snorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrres*

Me: So when Rob tweeted his mourning that we'll never reach Mars if we're more excited about buttcheeks than science -- which is funny in a weird way -- I tweeted back that I wondered if Philae was dreaming of electric sheep or if it briefly feared it would dream.

Everybody else: We don't get it.

Me: *sigh* I know.

Audience: We ARE interested in this buttcheek, though.

Me: Of course you are.

You: Are we done with science now?

Me: Sadly, yes. Probably forever.

VO Kamren: And another one bites the dust.

Us: Pretty much.

VO Kamren: So... is that it? Is that the episode?

Me: I feel like we've neatly avoided talking about what we're supposed to talk about.

You: I could stand to pee.

Me: That's okay. Just sit, like everyone else.

You: Not what I meant!

VO Kamren: Okay! That's fiddly our cue! Join us next time when we talk about Christmas shopping!

Me: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo--

You: She'll be at this a while. Might as well just fade out.

VO Kamren: You sure?

Me: -oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo--

VO Kamren: Huh. I guess... next time!

Me: -oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo--

-FADE OUT-


	22. Episode 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor, poor Kamren.

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show!

Me: -oooooooooooooooooooooooooo--

You: See? Toldja.

VO Kamren: That's... almost impressive. Has she taken a breath yet?

Me: -oooooooooooooooooooooooooo--

You: Maybe. It's hard to tell. I quit listening HOURS ago.

Me: -oooooooooooooooooooooooooo--

VO Kamren: Anyway, today's topic will, thankfully, not be Christmas shopping.

Me: -ooooo! Oh? Whew. Thank God for that.

You: That's it? You can stop, just like that?

Me: *shrug*

You: So. Weird.

VO Kamren: Honestly, I'll take it. My ears are ringing.

Me: So what's the topic, then?

VO Kamren: Oh, right. Um... *checks notes*... scented candles and the like. Go!

You: Who submitted that one?

VO Kamren: *eyes paper* It doesn't say.

Me: Wasn't me.

You: Wasn't me.

VO Kamren: Wasn't me.

Audience: Wasn't us.

VO Kamren: ...Huh.

Me: I guess... okay? I mean, I like my house to smell nice, so I've used scented candles before.

You: Your apartment smells like an opium den.

Me: It does not!

You: Fiddly does. And you don't use scented candles. You use those scented wax cubes.

Me: Same principle. *shrug*

You: Seriously. I feel like your walls should be draped with, like, gold and crimson silk and your floor should be strewn with cushions.

VO Kamren: Sounds comfy.

Audienc: Sounds kinky.

Me: Sounds like a tripping hazard.

You: Heheheh. Okay, that one was funny.

Me: Thanks!

You: Waaaaaaaaaait a minute. *smirrrrrks* You know what else you can use candles for?

Me: Uh... emergency lighting?

You: Nooooooope.

VO Kamren: I hear you can use 4 of those little tea lights to boil water if your electricity's out.

You: Nuh-uh. Mols, you should really get this one.

Me: *lightbulb* Oh. OH. Yesssssss.

You: Indeed.

Us: *cackle and look wicked*

VO Kamren: Uh-oh. Looks like they're plotting.

Audience: Yes! We love it when they're plotting!

You: Oh, Kamren?

VO Kamren: ...Yeah?

Me: Have you, by any chance, read any fanfiction?

VO Kamren: ...No? I'm not even sure what that is.

You: Well, you're gonna learn.

Audience: We soooo know where this is going. And we fiddly approve!

Me: Dammit. That... kinda ruined it for me.

You: Yeah. If the skeevy audience is up for it, it's probably over the line.

Me: Yeah. And teaching the poor kid about his prostate probably isn't our business, anyway.

Audience: *titters*

You: Especially since he'd probably pick one of those long, thin candles and, like, puncture something important.

VO Kamren: ...Um... what?

Me: No one ever just starts with their fingers, which you'd think would make more sense.

Audience: *breathes heavily*

You: I know, right? Have you SEEN some of the stuff ER doctors have had to surgically remove from dudes' butts??

VO Kamren: Whoa, waitaminute--

Me: Freakin BRUTAL, I tell ya. I mean, I understand it feels good and all, and I'm not one to judge, but chair legs? Steel pipes? Billy clubs?

You: Baseball bats, for God's sake!

VO Kamren: No! No no no! Not listening!

Audience: *leans forward* We're listening!

Me: Weirder still are, like, injuries caused from things like air pumps. Like you'd use to air up a bicycle tire or something. I mean, what the heck, right??

You: Geez! What even is the thrill in that??

Audience: *raises hand*

Us: *ignores them*

VO Kamren: STOP! I don't wanna hear any more!!

Me: ...Oops. We WEREN'T gonna talk about any of that.

You: Honest.

VO Kamren: *twitches*

Audience: *twitches for different reasons*

Me: ...

You: ...

Me: So... how 'bout them Chiefs?

You: *yawn*

VO Kamren: *twitches*

Audience: Let's go back to the other topic.

You: Scented candles?

Audience: ...Not exactly.

Me: Gross. I think we're done with that one.

VO Kamren: *nods frantically* No. Candles. Ever. Again.

Lori: Pee break?

Me: Oh! Hey! There's another place guys tend to stick stuff that doesn't belong--

VO Kamren: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--

You: Look what you did.

Me: Huh. So... urethral insertion is his Christmas shopping. Whoda thunk?

VO Kamren: -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--

Audience: ...Go on.

You: Gross! No!

Me: Ugh. I guess... join us next time? God only knows what we'll systematically destroy then.

You: We do seem to have a knack for it.

Me: Might as well do what we're good at, right?

Audience: *raises hand*

Us: NO. NOT THAT.

Audience: Shucks.

VO Kamren: -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--

You: Ugh, let's get out of hear before I unleash the--

Me: Kraken? You can fit one of those in there??

Audience: ...We're into it.

You: Gross! No! I was gonna say yellow tide!

Me: ...Huh. Different strokes.

You: Don't say that word! Especially after this whole conversation!

Me: Oi, let's just fade out already.

VO Kamren: --OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--

-FADE OUT-


	23. Episode 23

VO Kamren: -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--

You: Just shut him up, please?

Me: *muzzles Kamren*

VO Kamren: *continues muzzled howl*

You: Better. So, what's the topic for today?

Me: We'd better do something pretty harmless so he'll shut up for real.

Audience: Booooooo.

Me: What, you wanna listen to him yodel some more?

Audience: ...*shuffles feet*... Fine. Whatever.

You: I've got the perfect topic. Even Kamren will find it unexceptional.

VO Kamren: *tapers off*

You: The Squatty Potty.

VO Kamren: *starts back up again*

You: No no no! It's a good thing! I swear!

Me: Not sure I like where this is headed, either.

Audience: ...We're listening.

You: It's like a stool thing that goes on either side of your toilet so you're squatting instead of sitting.

VO Kamren: *muffled question*

Me: Honestly, it's supposed to be better for your bowels to squat instead of sit. It's less strain on your system because everything lines up properly, and it prevents all sorts of disorders, not the least of which is hemorrhoids. Or a prolapsed anus.

VO Kamren: *muffled disgust*

You: See? So it's way better for you. I want one!

Me: I think I'll pass.

You: You want hemorrhoids?

Me: No, but I also really don't want to talk about how I take a dump or have to explain it to anyone who visits.

VO Kamren: *muffled agreement*

Audience: ...Yeah, we're kinda past that, too.

You: *huffs* Fine. What do you wanna talk about?

Me: *opens mouth*

You: No video games or science fiction or wrestling or other nerd stuff.

Me: *closes mouth*

Audience: This episode sucks.

VO Kamren: *muffled statement*

Me: No idea what that one was. You?

You: Me, neither. I got nuthin.

Audience: He said the topic is filthy sex.

Us: *glares*

Audience: Hey, ya never know 'til you try.

VO Kamren: *glares*

You: Did Rob do anything interesting yesterday?

Me: Not that he mentioned on Twitter. Nate?

You: Nope. Fun. has been pretty quiet of late.

Us: *twiddle thumbs*

Audience: *yawns*

VO Kamren: *muffled twitching*

Me: Ugh! Fine! I can't stand it anymore! *unmuzzles Kamren* What's the damn topic??

VO Kamren: Common phobias.

Us: ...

Audience: ...

VO Kamren: What? That's what my paper says.

Me: *eyeroll* Fine. Lori's apparently scared of pooping while sitting down.

You: Rude!

Me: And birds. And bugs. And air. And weather. And dying from some weird disease. And... like... everything.

You: RUDE! True, but rude!

Me: And Kamren's afraid of dead moths and turkeys.

VO Kamren: RUDE! And only sort of true!

Me: And the audience is afraid of never having sex again.

Audience: *gasps* How did you know that??

Me: And apparently afraid of psychics.

Audience: It's uncanny! Get thee behind us, witch!

You: Show-off! So what are you afraid of?

Me: Spiders. And not much else.

You: Pssh. I've seen you deal with spiders. You're not afraid of them. You turn into, like, the Rambo of spider-killers.

Me: Hey, you gotta deal before you can freak out.

You: *eyeroll* That's the opposite of being scared.

Me: Says you.

VO Kamren: I kind of agree with Lori on this one. If you can function well enough to go Rambo on a spider, you're not really that afraid of them.

Me: Shaddup, Kamren Annabelle. You're also afraid of everyone finding out about the girls in your basement.

VO Kamren: *sweats* THERE ARE NO GIRLS IN MY BASEMENT! I don't even HAVE a basement!

You: Okay, that's enough of that. Are we done with phobias?

VO Kamren: Yes. We're so very done.

Me: I could stand to blurt a little more.

Audience: SHE'S THE DEVIL AND MUST BE PURGED WITH FIRE!!

Me: Never mind. I'm good.

VO Kamren: Good. Let's just get outta here before they start building a bonfire.

You: Hey! That's a good topic for next time!

Me: Haven't we already done that one?

You: Does it really matter at this point? I mean, what would you rather talk about?

Me: ...Duly noted.

VO Kamren: Aaaaannnnnd we're out!

-FADE OUT-


	24. Episode 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another little in-joke is Lori carrying around a little thing of pepper spray. Email Kamren falls victim to it, like, every other hour. He blurts a lot.

VO Kamren: I think it might be safe to welcome you back to The Show. Today's topic is--

You: Queen.

VO Kamren: ...I thought we decided on bonfires...?

You: We can always talk about bonfires. Let's talk about Queen.

Me: I'm always up for a Freddie Mercury discussion.

Audience: Body language!

Us: *eyeroll*

VO Kamren: ...

You: Under Pressure just came on my Fun. station on Pandora, so it got me thinking about it.

Me: Oh, man, I love that song! The version they did with David Bowie was AWESOME!

You: They just have so many classic hits.

Me: I know, right? Ones you don't even necessarily associate with them, like Radio Gaga. Or Crazy Little Thing Called Love.

You: I know! Or Stone Cold Crazy. Or Somebody to Love.

Me: Or that Highlander TV series theme song!

You: Which one is that?

Me: *sings* Heeeere we are! Born to be kings, we're the princes of the uuuuuniverrrrrrse!

You: That was Queen??

Me: Hellyeah!

VO Kamren: I know some of those songs. I thought they did We Will Rock You.

Audience: That sounds dirty.

You: NO IT DOESN'T, DAD!

Everyone else: *crickets*

You: *huffs* No stomping.

Me: Anywaaaaaayyyyy... yes, they did We Will Rock You. And We Are the Champions. And Bicycle and Fat Bottom Girls and just a bunch of the best, catchiest songs ever. Great band. Easily my favorite.

You: I thought MeatLoaf was your favorite.

Me: ...Don't make me choose.

You: ...Now I'm fiddly tempted to make you choose.

VO Kamren: Isn't MeatLoaf the Paradise by the Dashboard Light guy?

Audience: *sings* Lemme sleep on it. Baby, baby, lemme sleep on it. Lemme sleep on it - I'll give you an answer in the mornin!

Me: Of COURSE that's the part they'd remember.

You: *sings* Do ya love me? Willya love me forever? Do ya need me? Willya never leave me? Willya make me so happy for the rest of my life? Willya take me away, and willya make me your wife? I gotta know right now! Before we go any further, do ya love me? Willya love me forever?

Me: Uh-oh.

Audience: Lemme sleep on it!

You: Willya love me forever?

Audience: Lemme sleep on it!

You: Willya love me forever??

VO Kamren: I'm not sure what's happening right now.

Me: *sings* I couldn't take it any longer, a-Lord, I was crazy! When the feelin came upon me like a tidal wave! Started swearin to my God and on my mother's grave that I would love ya 'til the end of time!

VO Kamren: You swore?

Me: I would love ya 'til the end of time!

Audience: *sings* So now we're prayin for the end of time... to hurry up and arrive... 'cause if we gotta spend another minute with You, we don't think that we can really survive!

You: Whoa whoa whoa!

Music: *screeches like a needle across a record*

You: That's just mean! Why'd you have to put me in there like that?

Audience: ...No comment, baby.

You: GROSS! *sprays them all with pepper spray*

VO Kamren: *points* Ha ha!

Me: Dude, you just sounded like that kid from The Simpsons.

VO Kamren: I'm just glad it wasn't me getting pepper sprayed this time.

Me: Point taken.

VO Kamren: Um, we seem to have wandered far from the point--

Us: As usual.

VO Kamren: --so... are we done? Did we at least talk about Queen long enough to call it a day?

You: We never talked about Mika.

Me: Whodat?

You: You haven't heard? He's... like... the new Freddie Mercury. Sounds JUST like him.

Me: Really? Now I'm curious. Though I find it hard to believe anyone can fill Freddie's shoes.

VO Kamren: *opens mouth*

Me: If you make a crossdressing comment right now, I will remind you that you're no longer a Rocky Horror virgin and, thus, have no room to talk.

VO Kamren: *shuts mouth*

Me: Admittedly, you're no Frankfurter, but still.

You: ANYWAY, I think... we may be done?

Me: Yeah, I think I said my bit. Love Queen. They're awesome.

Audience: *stomp stomp clap*

Me: Exactly.

VO Kamren: Good! Looks like we'll get outta this one without any psychological damage.

You: Speak for yourself. I got propositioned by the audience.

Audience: We never had a girl lookin any better than you do.

You: ...I find it hard to take that as a compliment.

Audience: Rude! But true. We're so lonely.

Me: Oi, let's quit while we're ahead for once.

VO Kamren: I wholeheartedly second that motion. All in favor?

Us: *raise hands*

Audience: *doesn't*

VO Kamren: The motion carries! Fade out!

Audience: Boooooo.

-FADE OUT-


	25. Episode 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I admit it. I am emotionally retarded. Sue me.

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show! Today's topic is--

Me: *sigh*

You: Uh-oh. She's doing it again.

VO Kamren: This can't be good.

Me: I'm fine. Go on.

You: Nope. What happened? Might as well tell us now. You know we'll just harp on it until you break.

Me: *rolls eyes* It's nothing. I just feel bad because I forgot that yesterday was Rob's birthday.

You: Oooooooh.

VO Kamren: Oooooooooh.

Audience: Oooooooooh.

Me: ...You guys okay?

You: So did you do anything special?

Me: ...No? Why would I?

You: *eyes Me*

Me: Stop looking at me like that! It's not like I know him personally!

VO Kamren: How long have you been crushing on this guy, again?

Me: ...

You: Six months?

Me: ...

You: Longer?

Me: ...

Audience: ANSWER THE QUESTION!

Me: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!

Everyone else: *crickets*

Me: *sigh* Never mind. I guess I've been following him on Twitter for almost a year now, so... probably that long? I don't really remember.

You: Whoa, wait. You've been crushing on this guy for almost a year?? And you only told me like a few months ago??

Me: ...I have to work up to these things.

You: *facepalm*

VO Kamren: That's kind of a long time.

Me: Didn't want to admit it.

You: You are SO repressed. Good grief. Haven't you ever just seen a guy and fallen crazy in love with him?

Me: Nope.

You: Never seen a guy so good-looking that you were just struck with it?

Me: Why would I? What he looks like has nothing to do with whether or not he's a jerk.

You: *headtable* Mols!

Me: What?

You: Kamren, help me out here.

VO Kamren: ...Uh... how would I do that, exactly?

You: Haven't YOU ever been just knocked over by some girl before? Seen her and fell instantly in love and had daydreams of getting married and living happily ever after before you even knew her name?

VO Kamren: ...Uuuuuhhhhhh... this show isn't about me. This show is about you two. Thank God!

You: Ugh! Fine!

Me: Can we not talk about this anymore? I'm well aware of my emotional retardation.

You: *narrows eyes* I don't like that word.

Me: Yeah, but in this case, it applies. It's a technical term, not a snark.

You: ...Accepted. And oh, so true.

Me: ...I'd argue that, but... yeah. Fiddly true.

VO Kamren: So... the topic?

Me: Hit us with it, brah.

VO Kamren: Today's topic is "going to the beach".

You: *nods* I can dig that. Warm sun, the rushing waves...

Me: The mostly-naked people who tend to be more of the "People of Walmart" variety than the Beautiful People?

You: ...Must you ruin everything?

Me: Yes. I must.

Audience: We could stand to hear a little more.

Me: About naked People of Walmart?

Audience: ...

You: Well?

Audience: ...We're thinking.

You: Gross. I'm more thinking about pina coladas and margaritas delivered by perfectly-tanned hotties in beach shorts.

Me: I do love the sound of the waves on the beach. And the smell of the wind from the ocean.

You: Mmmm. And the warm sand under your feet as you collect sea shells.

Audience: And the babes in bikinis.

Us: *glare*

Audience: You have your perfect beach day, and we have ours.

Us: *eyeroll*

VO Kamren: I notice neither of you mentioned your boys on the beach.

You: Ya know... I dunno if Nate likes the ocean or not. I imagine he probably does. Songwriters usually do.

Me: Rob's a ginger. He has to do the beach in small doses or he'll spontaneously combust.

You: Or become one giant, exploding freckle.

Me: That, too.

Audience: That's surprisingly unsexy.

You: Finally! We finally found something the audience can't skeeve on!

Me: Give 'em time. They just have to work it around in that creepy hive mind. They'll eventually find something about it to perv on.

VO Kamren: Oh, please let's move on before they do that.

Us: Agreed.

Audience: ...Nope. Still coming up blank.

Me: Is it bad that I'm tempted to help them out? Just because... I mean... it's Rob we're talking about. Even as a giant, exploding freckle, he's still everything I want in a man.

You: Awwww! Mols, I think that's the most romantic thing I've ever heard you say!

Me: Aaaaannnnnnd we're back to my emotional retardation.

Audience: ...Does he, like, surf or anything? Work with us here!

VO Kamren: Don't answer that question! We're fading out now!

You: That's probably for the best.

Me: Yeah, they're getting closer to appreciation, and... just... no.

Audience: ...Parasailing? Skidoo-ing? ANYTHING??

VO Kamren: Join us next time when we try to find some subject that we can't ruin!

You: Talk about looking for a unicorn.

Me: Heh, even unicorns aren't sacred. I mean, they're "studs" with one giant, upright "horn", and they actively seek out virgins.

VO Kamren: ...Yeah? So?

You: Oh, Kamren.

Me: That's it. We're talking about mythical creatures next time.

Audience: We got it! Everyone's grey in the dark! Even giant, exploding freckles!

You: Gross.

Me: Appalling.

VO Kamren: I still... what's wrong with unicorns??

Us: Ugh. This episode is sooooo over.

Audience: *breathes heavily*

Me: Ugh. This is probably not the best time to wish Rob a happy birthday, huh.

You: I think the moment is past.

Me: *sigh*

-FADE OUT-


	26. Episode 26

VO Kamren: Welcome back to The Show, everyone! Today's topic -- not of my choosing -- is mythical creatures.

You: Ugh.

Me: What? This is gonna be great!

You: I don't know anything about mythical creatures.

Me: You knew about unicorns basically being horses with penises on their foreheads.

VO Kamren: *whimpers*

You: Big deal. Everyone knows that.

VO Kamren: I really, really didn't.

Me: Deal with it, Annabelle. And I'm practically a cryptozoologist, so this will be awesome.

You: A what now?

Me: Someone who studies fictional creatures.

You: *narrows eyes* Is that why you like stuff like Pacific Rim?

Me: Probably. The kaiju are pretty fascinating.

Audience: Bored now.

You: Ugh. Me, too. Can I facebook?

Me: No! We're gonna talk about dragons! And mermaids! And the Loch Ness Monster!

You: The only mermaids I know anything about are the ones in The Little Mermaid.

Me: ...Close enough. Although the "real" mythology is more bloodthirsty, of course.

You: It always is.

Me: *happy sigh* I know, right?

VO Kamren: Please don't ruin mermaids for me.

Me: Some older texts have them luring men out of their boats so they could drown them and eat them.

VO Kamren: *cries*

You: Yeah, Disney really didn't get into that part, did they?

Me: Disney is THE WORST at prettying up old legends and making them kid-friendly. But in a kind of ghastly way that's sometimes worse than the original.

Audience: We dig the seashell bra.

You: Gross.

Me: And kinda besides the point. Although the original cover art for the old VHS had penises hidden in King Triton's castle spires.

You: Oh, yeah! I saw that!

Audience: *heads to Amazon.com*

VO Kamren: No! That was... it was made of, like, coral and underwater rock!

Me: *snerk* So that's what the kids are calling boners these days?

VO Kamren: NO! Not what I meant!

Us: *chuckle*

VO Kamren: Stop ruining everything!

You: We didn't ruin that one. Disney did.

Me: Anyway, movin on. Let's talk about Nessie next.

Audience: Is she hot?

Me: ...She's a sea monster occasionally sighted in Loch Ness in Scotland.

Audience: Yeah, but is she hot?

You: *facepalm*

Me: *facepalm*

VO Kamren: What kind of sea monster?

Me: No one knows. Theories range from some kind of mutant, giant sea snake to maybe a leftover pleiosaur from the dinosaur age to a troop of badgers.

VO Kamren: ...I can never tell whether to believe you or not.

Me: I like it like that.

You: Boring. Can I take a pee break now?

Me: No! Let's do dragons!

You: *yawn*

VO Kamren: *tremble*

Audience: Do they shapeshift? Otherwise... not very sexy.

Me: *eyeroll* Dudes, though dragons have never existed, almost every single primitive society has some sort of dragon legend. They show up in artwork all around the world, from civilizations that would've had no way of communicating those legends to each other at the time. Humanity has always believed in dragons, which is why the hope that they DID exist at some point is so persuasive.

You: *facebooks*

VO Kamren: I... guess that's kind of interesting? I mean, they're not hunting virgins or anything, so I guess they're an improvement over unicorns.

Me: Actually....

VO Kamren: Please don't.

Me: Heheh, per lore, villagers whose lands were threatened by dragons used to periodically offer up a virgin for the dragon to eat.

VO Kamren: Of course they did.

You: Why is it always virgins with these mythological creatures?

Me: *snerk* Maybe because virgins have always been almost as much myth as the creatures themselves?

You: Heheh. Okay, that was a good one.

Audience: We don't believe in virgins.

Me: Why not? You all are one.

Audience: Rude!

Me: ...

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...But true. Fine. Talk about sex!!

You: Let's talk about something else.

Me: Can do. What's your pleasure? Minotaurs? Bigfoot? The hydra? Elementals?

You: ...I meant something ELSE else.

Me: *pouts*

You: Look, just because you're a self-professed kr... cryp....

VO Kamren: Mols is in a gang?

You: Crypto-whatsis--

Me: Cryptozoologist.

You: Yeah, that. Just because you're one doesn't mean anyone else knows any of this crap.

Me: *pouts more*

VO Kamren: I don't actually have another topic down, so....

You: Are we done, then?

Me: I feel like we didn't traumatize Kamren enough.

You: ...He does look pretty unfazed.

VO Kamren: Can't you guys leave me a little sanity? Just this once?

Us: *exchange looks*

Audience: *still pouting about virginity*

VO Kamren: Pleeeeeeeeeeease?

You: Hit it, Mols.

Me: Centaurs were pretty much four-legged rapemachines.

VO Kamren: *wibbles*

Me: They pretty much just ran into villages, grabbed up the women, dragged them off into the woods, and boned them. Sometimes to death. Considering their lower halves were horses, you can... kinda get an image, there.

VO Kamren: Nooooooooooooo!

You: That's pretty harsh.

Me: Should I go in for the kill?

You: Be my guest.

Me: Kamren?

VO Kamren: *huddles in a corner*

Me: Technically speaking, we're all half centaur.

Audience: ...We think we're okay with that.

You: Gross.

VO Kamren: *cries*

Me: And that's all we have time for today! Join us next time for... God only knows what!

You: Nothing nerdy, for once.

Me: You people are no fun.

You: You're a nerd.

Me: Yeah, and?

You: *sigh* Never mind.

-FADE OUT-


	27. Episode 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ever have one of those days where the entire office is just exhausted and yawning and dragging along? Yeah. That was this day.

VO Kamren: Hi, guys. Welcome to The Show.

You: *yawwwwwwwwwns*

Me: *blinks blearily*

Audience: *snorrrrrrxxxxxxxxxxxxxx*

VO Kamren: Yeah, me too. I wonder if we have, like, a carbon monoxide leak in the studio or something?

Me: Soooo tired. This grizzly thinks it's time to hibernate.

You: This panda doesn't know if pandas hibernate or not and does not care. MUST SLEEP.

VO Kamren: *fights a yawn*

Audience: *rolls over and snores some more*

VO Kamren: What are we even doing here today?

You: Trying to stay awake.

Me: Ugh. Is that the topic? I'ma need some caffeine if this is what we're talking about.

You: Amen to that.

VO Kamren: No, no, no. We just need... like a really exciting topic. Something to get us up and moving. Exercise?

Us: We will kill you.

VO Kamren: Oooookay. Um... action movies?

You: Boring.

Me: Not boring, but I'm really not in the mood. I did start the Lord of the Rings trilogy last night, though.

You: *yaaaaaaaaaaaawns*

Me: Got through Fellowship and more than halfway through The Two Towers.

VO Kamren: *blinks blearily* Yeah. Not helping.

Me: You guys suck.

You: I am literally falling asleep right now.

VO Kamren: Sky diving? That's all adrenaline-pumping, right?

Me: Always wanted to try it.

You: Never. Never in a million years. Why jump out of a perfectly good plane??

Me: Because it's exhilarating?

You: I can get exhilarating by falling down the steps, too, but you don't see me doing that, do you?

Me: ...

VO Kamren: Uh... parkour?

You: Are you saying that right?

VO Kamren: I have no idea.

Me: From what I've heard, it's more like "par-KOOR", but who knows?

VO Kamren: Should we make that the topic?

Me: Pronunciation?

You: *thwaps*

Me: What?? I'm tired! That's the best I got!

Audience: *snores open-mouthed and drools*

You: Gross.

VO Kamren: C'mon, guys! What'll really get the blood flowing?

Me: A razor across the carotid artery?

VO Kamren: ...I don't know why I didn't expect that answer.

You: I thought she'd at least work up to it. Huh.

Me: Be careful how you phrase open-ended questions to the sleepy grizzly.

VO Kamren: Well, I can't think of anything heart-pumping enough to wake us all up.

You: You think the execs would mind if we just did an entire episode of us just sleeping?

Me: I'm sure there's a niche market for that on the internet. We might not want that kind of fandom, but hey.

You: ...Ew?

Me: You have no idea. There's a niche for just about anything. There are people paid actual real money to post videos of themselves eating. Just... eating. Not like masturbating with food or eating it in a sexy way. Just... sit down with a big plate of food and eat it all.

VO Kamren: I... I don't think I get it.

Me: I don't, either, but apparently, it's a pretty big niche.

You: What even is the kink in that?

Me: *shrug* I got nuthin.

You: And they get paid for this?

Me: Yup. Some people just post it on Youtube or whatever, and they probably don't, but there are actual websites where people can pay to watch videos of people just eating, like it was porn or something.

VO Kamren: I wish I didn't know that.

Me: Sorry.

You: Part of me wants to look into it because, hey, get paid to eat stuff. The rest of me is like, yeah, I wouldn't be able to eat knowing someone's probably getting all hot and bothered over watching me do it.

Me: I know, right? Easy money but... not THAT easy.

You: So sad. Why do we have morals??

Me: Freakin tragic, right?

Audience: *scratches self, goes back to snoring*

VO Kamren: I think we just talked about a topic.

You: ...Huh. We did, didn't we?

Me: Good enough for government work. Still feel like I could just fall over and be asleep before I hit the ground, though.

VO Kamren: Pretty sure people would pay to see that.

Me: *narrows eyes* Did you just attempt to poke the grizzly?

VO Kamren: ...No?

Me: Good.

You: I say we call this one good. It didn't wake any of us up, but at least we got a topic out of it.

Me: I'm in.

VO Kamren: Sounds good to me. Fade out?

Audience: *kicks legs like a running dog*

Me: Yeah, let's just... let them lie.

You: I see what you did there.

Me: I have my moments.

VO Kamren: ...Not sure I get it.

You: It wasn't really that funny.

Me: Nice. Real nice. Really feelin the love.

You: Eh, go take a nap, grizzly.

Me: Eh, go eat a plate of spaghetti, panda.

-FADE OUT-


	28. Episode 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a reason we call Kamren "Chunk" in this episode. There was a whole Goonies debate. Like I said, he has a lot of nicknames. Also, he fiddly looks like a My Buddy doll. Remember those?

VO Kamren: Hello! And welcome back to a less-sleepy episode of The Show.

You: I'm not that much less sleepy, actually.

Me: I'm good. I guess.

Audience: Why didn't anyone wake us up? Did you guys talk about sex without us??

VO Kamren: Anyway, since we're all basically awake now, it's time for the topic we never got to last time: cooking.

Me: I feel like we already established that this isn't a cooking show.

VO Kamren: No, you won't be cooking, just talking about it.

You: What is there to talk about? Just throw everything into a crockpot and let it sit overnight.

Me: Okay, I didn't really care, but with that, I do have to say that there's more to cooking than a crockpot.

You: You're absolutely right. There's also a microwave.

Me: Lori!

You: What? I don't like either chopping things or touching raw meat. What do you want from me?

Me: *facepalm*

VO Kamren: I like to cook, actually.

You: So? You live with your parents, so it's not like you won't eat if you don't cook for yourself.

VO Kamren: Hey, that's only temporary! And I cook better than they do.

Me: Debatable. Not like you've ever brought any samples.

VO Kamren: Hey!

You: She has a point.

Audience: Talk about the whole naked cooking fad.

You: ...That doesn't mean what you think it means.

Audience: How could it mean anything but cooking naked?

Me: *eyeroll* It means cooking food with the barest essentials. Fresh foods, no preservatives, etc.

Audience: ...Dammit.

Me: Yeah. Bummer, right?

You: Don't patronize them.

Me: ...You're standing up for the audience?

You: No. I just don't want you encouraging them.

Me: ...Point taken.

VO Kamren: But I really do cook well, guys.

You: And my answer is the same: so?

VO Kamren: *pouts*

You: You're no Emeril Legasse, Chunk.

Me: ANYWAY. While crockpotting is good for when you don't have a lot of time or just don't want to think about what you'll be eating for the next few days, you really should cook real food in an oven once in a while.

You: Not the roast chicken thing again.

Me: I'm just saying: it makes better soup later if you roast an actual chicken.

You: But there's so many steps! And I have to, like, touch it!

Me: *sigh*

You: I don't see why I can't just buy some chicken stock, dump it in a crockpot with some canned chicken and frozen noodles, and call it homemade chicken noodle soup.

Me: It's not the same thing!

You: It works for me!

Me: Fine!

You: ...Really? That's it?

Me: Just because I like the healthy benefits of actual boiled-carcass, mineral-rich chicken broth with fresh vegetables and lots of herbs and garlic and homemade egg noodles doesn't mean doing it your way doesn't count as homemade.

You: ...That's right.

Me: It's not like you just opened a can and stuck it in the microwave.

You: Exactly.

Me: And it's not like I didn't get at least one full meal from delectably roasting a whole chicken after rubbing it with a buttery herb mixture before even thinking about making homemade, herby soup.

Audience: ...Did you rub the buttery herbs in slowly?

Me: GROSS. We're talking about a dead chicken, here.

Audience: We're strangely okay with that.

Me: No. Just no.

You: I'll stick with my way, thank you. No rubbing involved.

Audience: Boring.

VO Kamren: Doesn't anyone want to hear about my awesome casseroles?

Me: You're no Robert Irvine, kid.

You: And anyone can make a casserole. Sheesh. Even I've been known to do that.

Me: Mmmm, I love a good cheesy, cream of mushroom soupy casserole.

You: Heck yeah. And anything broccoli/rice.

Me: Yes! That's the good stuff, right there.

VO Kamren: I wanted to talk about--

Me: Wait a minute.

VO Kamren: What?

Me: Did you come up with this topic just so you could talk about how well you cook?

VO Kamren: ...No.

You: Uh, you twitched. You're fiddly lying.

VO Kamren: ...Am not.

Audience: Dude. We're right here. You are soooo lying.

Me: So what gives, Annabelle. Why do you wanna talk about your own cooking so much?

VO Kamren: ...*kicks a rock*... This girl I like has kinda started watching The Show.

Me: Dakota Fanning?

You: Nah. Too old for his tastes. She's old enough to drive now.

VO Kamren: No! Geez!

Me: So you wanted to talk about your mad cooking skeelz and impress her?

VO Kamren: ...Maybe.

Audience: Is she hot?

VO Kamren: If she was, I wouldn't tell you!

You: That may be a no. I'm honestly not sure at this point.

Me: So who's the mystery girl, My Buddy?

VO Kamren: I don't wanna talk about this anymore.

Me: Oh, no. I have to talk about Rob like I would if it was just regular emails, and Lori has to talk about Nate, too. Spill it.

You: Exactly. You know all about our dumb, hopeless crushes, so we get to hear about yours.

VO Kamren: It's not hopeless! Just... let's fade out already. C'mon.

You: Spill it, Kamren Annabelle.

Me: You can tell us, Poindexter. We won't tell anyone else.

VO Kamren: *glares and points at the audience*

Audience: We won't tell. Super swear.

VO Kamren: No! I mean... you ARE anyone else! I'm not telling them with you here!

Audience: *huffs* Rude.

VO Kamren: This episode is over. It was a dumb idea, anyway.

Me: Hey, next time, we'll do a show all about you, Casanova.

You: He's no Casanova.

VO Kamren: Hey!

Me: ANYWAY, to the girlie who caught our little wombat's eye, Kamren can fiddly cook.

You: It may be mac and cheese served with a sandwich cut into dinosaur shapes, but it's edible.

VO Kamren: Not. Helping.

Us: Heheheh.

Audience: That actually doesn't sound too bad.

VO Kamren: UGH.

-FADE OUT-


	29. Episode 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our little wombat has a crush. Awwww!

VO Kamren: Welcome back to The Show, Friday edition!

You: Has he called it that before?

Me: Methinks not.

VO Kamren: Today's topic is--

You: Your new girlfriend?

Me: *snicker*

VO Kamren: Uh... no. I don't have... no. The topic is massage therapy.

Audience: Oooooh, yeah!

You: ...I was into it, but then they did that.

Me: I wasn't into it at all.

You: *eyeroll* How can you have a "thing" for Rob and still not like people touching you?

Me: ...It's complicated.

You: It's impossible!

Me: I don't want just random people touching me. It's rude. What's the first thing you learn in kindergarten, for crying out loud?

You: Some kids eat glue?

Me: No! To keep your hands to yourself. Sheesh.

Audience: Huh. We must have missed that day.

You: Ugh.

Me: It's different when it's someone you're dating, okay?

You: So date a massage therapist!

Me: ...*wide-eyed*...

You: ...*wide-eyed*...

Us: ...Kamren? Is your mystery woman your new masseuse??

VO Kamren: *sweats* Ya know, you're right. This is a dumb topic. Let's talk about literally anything else.

Me: IT IS!!

You: Oh, Kamren Annabelle. Falling for your masseuse is like falling for a hooker. You know that, right?

VO Kamren: What does that even mean??

Me: It means they're literally paid to make you feel good. That doesn't mean they see you as anything but a client.

You: An obligation.

Me: A paycheck.

VO Kamren: But she's so nice! And she looks like that Amy Fisher chick!

You: ...

Me: ...

VO Kamren: Red-headed? Was in... uh... Wedding Crashers? And I think Enchanted?

You: The chick in Enchanted was Amy Adams.

Me: And the chick in Wedding Crashers was Isla Fisher.

VO Kamren: ...That wasn't the same girl?

You: *headshake* He seriously even combined their names. He's such a dude. Ugh.

Me: *headshake* For shame, Kamren.

Audience: So about this Amy/Fisher-looking masseuse....

You: Gross. But seriously... Kamren, do you just like her because she's a hot redhead?

Me: I'd just like to point out that, yes, Rob is a hot ginger, but that's not why I like him.

You: Oh, no. You two are like nerd-crossed soulmates. No one is in any doubt about that.

Me: And you and Nate are OCD-crossed soulmates.

You: *happy sigh*

Me: *rueful sigh*

VO Kamren: And that's all we have time for today!

You: Oh, no, you don't.

Me: We are so not done with this.

VO Kamren: I don't wanna talk about it anymore!

You: What is it SPECIFICALLY that you like about your redheaded masseuse?

VO Kamren: ...

Me: I mean, she's literally trained to have magic fingers, dude.

Audience: The better to stroke you with, my dear.

You: ...Ew.

Me: And she kinda needs to be... well, not charming, exactly, but personable. Otherwise, she'd never have repeat business. So OF COURSE she's nice to you.

Audience: The better to seduce you with, my dear.

You: Stop that!

Me: And if you just like her because she's pretty, well... a pretty face only goes so far, ya know.

Audience: The better to--

You: NO! I don't even care what you were going to say! Bad audience!

VO Kamren: *pouts* I just like her, okay? I don't really know why. I just feel like we... connect.

Audience: While she's giving you a greased-up shiatzu.

You: GROSS!

Me: Have you asked her out?

VO Kamren: ...I'm working up to it.

Me: What do you guys talk about?

VO Kamren: ...She asks if that feels better and I say yes or no.

Me: ...

You: ...

Audience: ...

VO Kamren: ...*twitches*

Me: That's it?

You: You feel like you connect... for that?

Audience: Damn. And we thought WE were lonely.

VO Kamren: Hey!

Me: Kamren--

VO Kamren: Nope! Show's over! SOOOOOO not talking about this anymore!

You: Actually, I think that's a good idea.

Me: ...I kinda want to protest, but if he's not even to the "she rubs me the right way" innuendo yet, I doubt anything else can be gained from harping on the subject.

You: Exactly. Kamren, try an actual conversation next time she's working out the kinks, okay?

Audience: Heheheh. Kinky.

You: Ugh. Seriously.

VO Kamren: Whatever. This show sucks. Fade out.

-FADE OUT-


	30. Episode 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This... is why we're not an advice show.

VO Kamren: Welcome back to The Show! Today's topic is... man types!

Me: ...

You: ...What... like abusers or not abusers?

VO Kamren: Uh, no. Not exactly.

Me: Cheaters or non-cheaters?

VO Kamren: No.

You: Addicts or not addicts?

VO Kamren: No! Geez!

You: Well, help us out here!

VO Kamren: Like what kind of men women are looking for. What they want them to be.

Me: *narrows eyes* Does this have anything to do with your masseuse?

VO Kamren: ...No?

You: *eyeroll*

Me: *sigh*

Audience: This one isn't gonna be about sex, is it?

Us: Not if we can help it.

You: So you're wanting to know what your masseuse is looking for in a man?

Me: Hate to tell you this, kiddo, but that differs from woman to woman.

You: Right? I mean, look at how different me and Mols are in our tastes.

Me: Exactly! She likes dainty little girly musician types, and I--

You: Not girly! Geez! Not even dainty! I just don't want a musclehead!

Me: *shrug* Me, neither.

You: Bullshit. I've seen your kind of guy.

Me: And it ain't The Rock, is it?

You: ...Okay, but Rob is pretty stacked.

Me: *fond grin* Ain't he, though?

You: *snaps fingers* Snap out of it, Mols.

Me: Sorry. What we were talking about?

VO Kamren: Nothing at all helpful. *sigh*

Audience: As usual.

VO Kamren: Still not helping.

Audience: Wasn't trying to.

VO Kamren: Ugh!

You: Anyway, she is right about one thing: what kind of man a woman is looking for depends on the woman.

Me: So the REAL topic is... what's your masseuse looking for?

VO Kamren: ...

You: You still haven't actually talked to her, have you?

VO Kamren: ...I tried.

Me: And?

VO Kamren: Every time I opened my mouth, I thought of you guys saying that a massage therapist is like a hooker.

Us: *tries not to laugh*

Audience: *doesn't even try*

VO Kamren: It's not funny! I got all tongue-tied!

Audience: And not in the good way.

You: Gross!

Me: Kamren Awkward, you're gonna have to just man up and SAY something.

VO Kamren: Like what??

Me: Why not start with a simple chitchat question, like "Hey, how long have you been a masseuse?"?

You: Nothing too personal, or you'll come across as a creepyperv.

Me: Which he might, anyway.

You: And don't... under any circumstances... mention the girls in your basement.

VO Kamren: THERE AREN'T ANY GI--

Me: Exactly. It's funny when it's us and it gives the audience a thrill, but it SOOOO doesn't translate anywhere else!

You: ...Wait... he DOESN'T have girls in his basement?

VO Kamren: I told you! I don't even have a basement!

You: Huh. Thought it was one of those "methinks thou doth protest too much" things.

Audience: Us too, actually.

VO Kamren: You guys suck!

Me: In their defense, you do look really, really guilty any time we bring it up.

VO Kamren: Not helping!

Me: Wasn't trying to.

You: ANYWAY. So talk to her, then tell us how it goes, and we might be able to actually be helpful.

Audience: Don't hold your breath, kid.

You: Don't even start. Your idea of help probably includes lime jello and a kiddy pool.

Audience: ...We thought SHE was the psychic! BURN, DEVIL WOMAN!!

You: For the love of--

Me: Sooooo... are we done?

You: I dunno. I mean, we tried to help poor Awkward, there, but I dunno that we really talked about guy types.

Me: Well... besides Nate, what are you looking for in a guy?

You: Honestly, my sights are pretty low at the moment. I mostly just don't want a complete asshole.

Me: You'd think that would be soooo easy.

You: I know, right??

Audience: We're not complete assholes.

You: YES YOU ARE.

Me: I think they really like you. I mean... LIKE like you.

Audience: *shifts awkwardly*

You: Gross. No.

Me: C'mon! You said you didn't want a complete asshole, and even the whole audience combined isn't a complete one. I'd say... 75, 80% asshole, tops.

You: That's not actually reassuring.

Me: Wasn't supposed to be.

Audience: Would it help if we brought flowers?

VO Kamren: That's not a bad idea. Would it be weird if I brought her some flowers?

You: Why would you bring me flowers?

VO Kamren: Not You! My masseuse!

You: Screw you. I didn't want your flowers anyway!

VO Kamren: Not! Helping!

You: Wasn't trying to!!

Me: Whoa whoa, calm down or the audience is gonna get all hot and bothered.

Audience: Too late.

You: UGH!

Me: At any rate, I think we've had quite enough for the day.

You: *huffs* What would you do if Rob brought you flowers?

Me: Ask him if he got lost on the way to whoever he was bringing flowers to.

You: Oh, Mols.

Me: *shrug*

VO Kamren: You guys are THE WORST at dating advice.

Me: I feel like we've had this discussion before.

You: It really is all starting to taste like beans.

Audience: We taste like--

You: NO! CUT! FADE OUT RIGHT NOW!

-FADE OUT-


	31. Episode 31

VO Kamren: Happy Monday, everyone! Welcome back to The Show! Today's episode is brought to you by Stayfree Maxi Pads! *holds up a package* The topic is--

You: Whoa whoa whoa.

Me: Yeah, back the truck up, Annabelle.

VO Kamren: What?

You: Did you just... advertise?

VO Kamren: ...No?

Me: That sounded like advertising.

VO Kamren: More like... sponsoring.

Me: Why are you sponsoring maxi pads?

VO Kamren: No! They're sponsoring us!

You: ...Why?

VO Kamren: Why does any company sponsor anything? They're hoping for name recognition and increased revenue.

Me: ...Why? No one watches this show.

Audience: We do!

You: To our dismay.

Audience: Come on, baby, make it hurt so good!

You: Gross.

Me: But seriously, Kamren. This advertising thing has to go.

VO Kamren: We need the income!

You: Why? It's not like we're getting paid.

Me: *sigh* Exactly.

VO Kamren: Yeah, but they offered to pay for some editing software so we can actually cut around all the inappropriateness or do another take if we mess up, and they're also gonna pay for our host account.

Me: ...Isn't a YouTube account free?

You: And wouldn't being able to cut around or do a retake kinda defeat the purpose of a live show?

VO Kamren: ...

You: *headshake*

Me: Yeah. They fiddly bamboozled you.

VO Kamren: Whatever! Just say you like the damn product!

Us: No.

VO Kamren: Why not?

Me: You wanna do this, or should I?

You: You go ahead. Facebook's going NUTS about this. And I need a refill on my Diet Coke.

Me: Don't try to distract me!

You: *snerk*

Me: Kamren Annabelle, why would you pick maxi pads, of all things, as our show's sponsor?

VO Kamren: You're girls! You use them, right??

You: *winces* Oh, Kamren....

Me: Ugh! So sexist! Why would you not try for any of the literally thousands of other things you could try that we might actually be okay to talk about on the show??

VO Kamren: Like what??

Me: Gee, lemme think. Maybe the upcoming Warcraft movie that I've already been pimping all over everywhere for free?

You: Fun.'s next album?

Me: Coke?

You: Diet Coke?

Me: Warlords of Draenor?

You: Scented candles?

VO Kamren: Okay okay! I get the point!

Me: But no. Because you're a guy, you think "Derp, women use pads!" and didn't even consider if we used THOSE pads or not.

VO Kamren: ...Do you?

Us: NO!

Audience: *snickers*

VO Kamren: Geez! Cut me some slack! I'm just trying to increase our revenue flow. Don't most successful people do advertising?

Me: You're no Bill Gates, kid.

You: You're not even Donald Trump.

Me: Although he might be able to work a combover.

Audience: Burn!

VO Kamren: Rude! I'm just thinking about how celebrities pick, like, a car or a cologne or whatever and start making commercials.

You: You're no Woody Harrelson.

Me: Or Dennis Leary.

You: Or--

VO Kamren: Seriously! Rude!

Me: *shrug* Just sayin.

VO Kamren: Here I am trying to bring in some actual revenue for something we're stuck doing anyway, and this is the thanks I get. Geez, even athletes branch out and start advertising stuff.

You: You're no Lebron.

Me: And you're definitely no Peyton Manning.

Audience: Oooooooooohhhhhhh...

VO Kamren: Okay. That's just too far. Papa John's is terrible.

Me: You wanted us to pimp maxi pads.

You: And not even ones we actually use.

VO Kamren: Fine. Whatever. No advertising feminine hygiene products.

Us: Agreed.

Me: So... what was the topic, again?

VO Kamren: *twitches* Feminine hygiene products.

You: ...

Me: ...

Audience: ...

VO Kamren: And that's it for today, folks! Join us next time when we were supposed to talk about make-up and be sponsored by Cover Girl, but will probably end up talking about me being a racist instead.

Me: We can fiddly work that.

You: Not even a challenge.

Audience: Hosnap!

VO Kamren: *cries*

Me: Seriously! He wants ME to talk about MAKE-UP!

You: I could do it. But Mary Kay, not Cover Girl.

Me: I'd rather shave my eyebrows with a grapefruit spoon.

Audience: ...Is it weird that we kinda wanna see that?

Me: For anyone else? Yes. For you guys? Nope. That's par for the course.

You: Let's get out while Kamren is fugly crying.

VO Kamren: *fugly cries*

You: I gotta hit the ladies room on the way out.

Me: Not surprised. You drank your Diet Coke in, like, record time.

You: Oh, not to pee. Gotta change my pad.

Me: ...

You: THEY'RE RIGHT THERE. And free.

Me: Good. Grief.

You: Whatever. It's not like we're getting paid.

-FADE OUT-


	32. Episode 32

VO Kamren: Welcome back to The Show! Today, we will not be talking about make-up!

You: He's just jealous.

Me: I blame PMS. Good thing he has all those pads handy.

Audience: Hosnap!

VO Kamren: I'm going to ignore all of that! Today's COMPLETELY UNSPONSORED topic is--

You: Oh, hey! Since Kamren's PMS-ing, let's talk about ice cream!

Me: I thought that was a pregnancy craving?

You: In him, the symptoms will probably be the same.

Me: Sounds legit.

Audience: ...Weird. Not even weird boner. Just weird.

VO Kamren: I'm not PMS-ing!

You: So you're pregnant?

Me: Do tell. Who's the lucky guy?

Audience: Tell us about it, Janet!

You: ...Who??

VO Kamren: Never mind! You guys are jerks! Just... talk about ice cream or whatever!

You: Fine. I like rocky road.

Me: I can see that. Chocolate and marshmallows. I like butter brickle. Or mint chocolate chip.

You: Mmmm. Now I want ice cream.

Me: It's winter.

You: ...And?

Me: Never mind.

You: Honestly, I like just about any kind of ice cream. Vanilla, chocolate, sundaes, parfaits--

Me: Parfaits is delicious!

You: That sounded just like Eddie Murphy.

Me: Thank you!

VO Kamren: ...I want ice cream.

You: That's just because you're PMS-ing, Annabelle.

VO Kamren: I'm not--

You: Yes, I like most ice cream, but I really REALLY like frozen custard.

Me: Oh, yeah! That is definitely the good stuff. And gelato!

You: I WOULD KILL FOR GELATO!!

Audience: Would you date us for gelato?

You: ...

Me: Lori?

You: ...

Audience: *holds its breath*

You: ...Lemme think on it.

Me: Huh.

You: I know! But... gelato!

Me: I think you need another Diet Coke. You're starting to weird me out.

You: *sigh* I can't. I already have to pee.

VO Kamren: Gross.

You: Don't gimme no lip, Mr. Sensitive.

Me: He's so touchy at this time of the month.

You: Give him some Mydol or something.

VO Kamren: I AM NOT PMS-ING.

Audience: So... was it a sex-change operation, or...?

You: I'm not really comfortable talking about that.

Me: I'm pretty sure he's always had a v--

You: LET'S TALK MORE ABOUT ICE CREAM!

Me: I was gonna say "very touchy monthly cycle".

You: Sure.

Me: Heh.

VO Kamren: ...?

Audience: Let it go, dude. You don't wanna know.

Me: Anyway, since Kamren clearly has sand in his--

You: MOLS!

Me: ...craw, we'll stick to the relatively safe topic of tasty, rich gelato.

You: Good save.

Me: I try. Sometimes.

You: Hey, I have a question.

Me: Shoot.

You: ...I kinda don't want to ask in front of the audience.

Audience: YES. Ice cream is EXCELLENT for sex!

Me: How would you know?

Audience: ...We have a good imagination. *pouts*

Me: Gross. But you're sorta right.

You: So you...?

Me: I think this conversation might traumatize little Annabelle further. You know how delicate he is when he's PMS-ing.

VO Kamren: I AM NOT PMS-ING!!

You: But you were all up in arms about how gooey S'mores would leave a mess, so...?

Me: *sigh* Okay, fine. Like most things, a little preparation saves a lot of effort later. Lay down a towel first. It'll save your sheets.

You: ...I wanna say GROSS, but... I'm kinda curious now.

Audience: *breathes heavily*

Me: *blushes* Ugh. Fine. It's more... the shock of the cold followed by the... uh... warmth of the... ya know... the tongue.

You: *bluuuuushes* You wouldn't think icy cold would be a good thing during...?

Me: It melts fast. Ice is bad. Ice cream? SO not bad.

Audience: Can we get gelato delivered??

You: GROSS! No! Bad audience!

VO Kamren: *twitches*

Me: Yeah, this time, I agree with him. Enough of that!

VO Kamren: Can we please end this episode now??

You: Oh, fine. Don't get your panties in a bunch. It'll mess up your maxi pad.

VO Kamren: For the last time, I am not--

Me: I think the audience is having some sort of mass embolism.

Audience: *shudders and twitches*

You: ...Mols, what did you do??

Me: Not me! You're the one they perv over!

You: But you talked about ice cream sex!!

VO Kamren: Fade out! Fade out!!

Me: Yyyeeeaaaahhhh... I don't wanna be here when... whatever happens... happens.

You: *whimpers* Yeah. Let's... just go. I'm starting to get a real Temple of Doom feeling here.

Me: What, like a bunch of crazy Thuggee cultists are gonna rip your still-beating heart out of your chest and lower you into a lava pit?

You: ...No, but close enough.

Me: Yeah. Me, too. Let's go.

VO Kamren: God help us. Their... their eyes... GONE....

Me: Don't cry, Annabelle. It'll all be over in 3-7 days.

VO Kamren: NOT PMS!!

Us: *snicker and run*

-FADE OUT-


	33. Episode 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really don't... DO... Christmas. Unfortunately, everyone else I know does. Ugh.

VO Kamren: Welcome back to the Show! Today's topic is--

Me: *huffs and crosses arms*

VO Kamren: ...

You: ...

Audience: ...

You: Mols? You okay?

Me: They made me listen to Christmas music all day at work.

You: ...Ouch.

Me: YEAH.

VO Kamren: Do you wanna talk about it?

Me: What's there to talk about? It's not even Thanksgiving yet, which means my headphones will be permanently attached to my head until New Year's.

You: You don't know they'll listen every--

Me: *glares*

You: ...Okay, yeah. You're probably right. *sigh*

Me: *sigh*

Audience: ...We're bored?

VO Kamren: Yeah, let's move on to the topic, which is--

You: Why do you hate Christmas so much again?

Me: *eyeroll* It's not so much that I hate Christmas as that I hate having it obnoxiously shoved into my face from all sides for longer and longer periods every single year.

You: ...Grinch.

Me: I'm not a Grinch!

You: You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch.

Me: The Grinch wanted to steal Christmas from everyone. I just want it to stay the hell away from me.

You: Close enough.

Me: Whatever.

Audience: *shuffles like restless cattle*

VO Kamren: Great, fine, whatever. The topic is--

You: I guess I don't even have to ask your feelings on Christmas shopping?

Me: ...Don't make me hurt you.

You: Guess that means you won't be Black Friday shopping.

Me: I'd rather extract my spleen with chopsticks and a can opener.

Audience: ...Ouch.

VO Kamren: Okee doke. Before she gets any more graphic, let's do the topic, which is--

You: What if you find out Rob just loooooooves Christmas?

Me: ...

VO Kamren: ..

Audience: ...*leans closer*...

Me: ...That's below the belt.

You: What do you care? Not like you have a dick.

Me: Hate you. Hate you all.

VO Kamren: *sweats* So the topic is--

Me: I will literally shove a Christmas tree up your ass if the topic is anything Christmas oriented.

VO Kamren: ...

You: ...

Audience: ...

VO Kamren: ...Cats. The topic is cats. Let's talk about cats.

Me: *narrows eyes*

Vo Kamren: *wads up notes and shoves them in a pocket*

You: You know what's fun to do? Tie a jingle bell to a cat's tail and watch it freak out.

Audience: Awwwwwwwww....

Me: Honestly, one of the funniest things I've ever seen was when my friend Kristi stuck one of those sprays of curly ribbon onto her cat's forehead so it fell down over his eyes, and watching that cat try to back away from it and swipe it off while it was thoroughly stuck....

You: ...Heh... heheheh... heheheheh....

Me: I know, right?? It gets funnier the more you picture it.

VO Kamren: Was it Christmas ribbon?

Everyone else: *glares*

VO Kamren: What??

You: She was JUST starting to not be pissed off!

Me: *is back to being pissed off*

Audience: Way to go, Annabelle.

VO Kamren: Hey, the audience doesn't get to call me that.

Me: Fiddly earned it, jackass.

Audience: Preach it, sister.

Me: I'd throw an angry cat at you, but then I'd feel sorry for the cat.

Audience: Burn, dude! BURN!

You: Okay, okay. Everyone put away their torches and pitchforks.

Me: *huffs* He started it.

You: Yeah, yeah, and you'll finish it, whatever. Can't we all just get along?

Me: Don't you have to pee or something?

You: Honestly, I'm afraid to leave you two unsupervised right now.

Audience: FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

You: Stop encouraging them!!

Audience: *kicks a rock*

Me: This episode sucks.

You: Most of our episodes suck.

Audience: Tell us about it.

VO Kamren: It's not MY fault! I'm just trying to keep it clean!

You: STOP IT! All of you! Good grief, you KNOW it's bad when I have to be the voice of reason!

Me: *stews*

Audience: *spoils for a fight*

VO Kamren: *pouts*

You: Now everyone grow up and do the damn show.

VO Kamren: Actually, you guys have kinda already filled up the time slot.

Me: And I don't wanna talk to Annabelle anymore.

Audience: We're bored.

VO Kamren: So... done?

Me: SO done.

Audience: Meh. Whatever.

You: Good. Let's get out of here before Mols starts throwing cats.

VO Kamren: ...Is that a euphamism?

Audience: Gross. And this is US saying that.

Me: Ugh. Let's just go.

-FADE OUT-


	34. Episode 34

VO Kamren: I think everyone's a little less snippy, so welcome back to The Show! Today's topic... which should've been the last topic--

Me: Watch it now. I still mean the Christmas tree threat.

VO Kamren: --is pizza.

Me: Oh. Okay, I get it. Since we did our Thanksgiving thing at work today and did pizza now instead of at Christmas, right?

You: Whoa, wait a minute. You two dorks had free pizza for lunch today? I feel so robbed!

Me: Back that truck up, You. I'm the only one who gets Robbed around here.

You: For the love of--

Me: *waggles eyebrows* You're just mad 'cause you're not getting domi-Nated.

You: ...Shaddup. Rude. Like you're actually getting Robbed.

Me: *sigh* Too right. Anyway, yes. The higher-ups kinda forgot about it, and since the lady who usually organized everything is gone now, we just kinda threw it together last minute.

VO Kamren: Yup. They'll do the they-provide-the-meat/we-provide-the-potluck thing for Christmas instead.

You: *huffs* Rude.

VO Kamren: Whatever. So... pizza. Go.

Audience: We're hungry.

VO Kamren: Shoosh.

You: The heck is "shoosh"?

Me: ANYWAY. I hate pepperoni. Most of the time. Well, maybe not. I just have to be in the mood for it.

Audience: *eager* Like sex?

Me: ...Oddly, yeah.

You: Gross.

Me: Yeah, I don't recommend pizza sex.

VO Kamren: Aw, c'mon! Don't go off the rails already!

You: Fine. I'm kinda weird about meat--

Audience: *opens mouth*

You: DON'T. EVEN.

Audience: *closes mouth*

You: Better. I'm a little weird about meat, but I do like pizza. Cheesy, melty goodness, there.

Me: *nods*

Stranger: *walks through, fiddles with camera*

You: *staaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrres*

Me: ...Lori?

You: *drools a little*

VO Kamren: Uh... Lori?

You: *stares some more*

Audience: *snaps fingers* Hey. We're okay with Nate 'cause that'll never happen. No looking when we're right here!

Me: That's just wrong.

Audience: She's ours!

You: *blinks, whispers* Who is that??

Me: The IT guy?

You: *still whispering* We have an IT guy?

Me: Yeah. He's nice. Why are you staring?

You: *still whispering* Are you kidding me? He's gorgeous!

Stranger: *fiddles with camera some more*

Me: *shrug* I guess he's all right. He knows his sports, so he's cool with me.

VO Kamren: I don't guess I know him that well. Seems nice enough, though.

You: Don't care. Want him.

Me: What about Nate?

You: Can't. Think. Eyes working overtime.

Stranger: *bends down to check the tripod*

You: *passes out*

Audience: *surges forward* Oh, oh! Mouth to mouth!

Me: *dumps Diet Coke on You*

You: *jerks awake* Sister Christian, that's cold! *shivers* And sticky. Gee, thanks, Mols.

Me: Eh. It did the trick.

You: MY HAIR!! I look terrible! HIDE ME!!

Audience: We'll hide you!

You: *sprays them with pepper spray*

Audience: *cries*

Me: You look fine. Let's finish this whole pizza thing.

You: *cries* But I look awful, and Hot IT Guy is RIGHT THERE!

Me: *eyeroll*

VO Kamren: *sigh*

Stranger: *oblivious*

Audience: *still crying* IT BURNS US!

Me: Sweet Lord of the Rings reference! Highfive!

Audience: Can't! Burning!

VO Kamren: I... think we might be done.

Me: Well, we've given the audience chemical burns, Lori's perved over the IT guy, I got to dump a 64-oz drink on her, and you....

VO Kamren: *sweats*

Me: *narrows eyes* You kinda got out of this one scot free.

You: *slaps him*

Me: Better. Yup, let's call it a day.

VO Kamren: Ow! Hey! Nothing happened to Mols, either!

Me: And it's gonna stay that way.

You: ...Yeah, I'm really not feeling it. Even though you dumped pop on me.

Me: Hey, the audience was threatening mouth-to-mouth, and I was afraid you'd start having a naughty dream and holler for the IT guy to butter your muffin or something.

VO Kamren: ...Is that bad?

You: Oh, Kamren.

Me: *headshake*

Audience: Please. Let us explain.

Us: NO.

Audience: *kicks a rock*

Stranger: *oblivious*

Me: Yeah, that's probably our cue.

You: Ugh. I feel sticky.

Audience: *opens mouth*

You: GROSS! NO!

-FADE OUT-


	35. Episode 35

VO Kamren: Pardon the intrusion into your regularly scheduled programming, folks, but we here at The Show have a very special announcement to make.

Audience: Lori's pregnant!

You: What?? No!

Audience: Mols has a brain tumor??

Me: Ugh! No!

Audience: ...

Me: Okay, probably not!

Audience: The voice-over guy is--

VO Kamren: NO MORE GUESSING. The announcement is that we're taking a week-long break in programming.

Audience: ...BOOOOOOOOO.

VO Kamren: Yes, yes. So sorry to disappoint.

Me: Pretty sure they were just booing that this episode wasn't about sex, either.

Audience: It's like she's inside our minds!

You: *headshake*

VO Kamren: ANYWAY. Goodbye for a week, friends. Think happy thoughts about a hippopotamus.

You: Um... why would we want them to do that?

Me: That poor hippopotamus.

Audience: *breathes heavily*

VO Kamren: ...What...?

You: Annabelle, haven't you learned yet that there is almost nothing they can't perv on?

Me: Yeah. I mean, they even perv on L--

You: *thwaps*

Me: ...Lassos. I was going to say lassos.

Audience: We can dig it. KINKY.

You: Gross.

VO Kamren: Oh, my God, just... we're taking a break, already! You sickos'll have to get your kicks somewhere else!

Audience: Can do.

Me: So nice to be needed.

You: Honestly, they can not care about me all they want.

Me: ...Point taken. G'night, all!

You: Don't say goodbye; just say farewell!

VO Kamren: Aaaaaannnnd... fade out.

Everyone: *waits*

You: ...Why isn't it fading out?

Me: ...Kamren, did you tell everyone to leave early?

VO Kamren: ...Um... I'll just go find the fader switch, shall I?

You: *eyeroll*

Me: *facepalm*

Audience: *already perving over something on Youtube*

-FADE OUT-


	36. Episode 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One week later....
> 
> Also, just an FYI, "K" is a fellow office drone who might actually be an Illuminati plant to drive everyone else absolutely insane. There's no other explanation for how one person can be so full of shit and still sort of function. We usually hope she'll get mad at us and "subject" us to the silent treatment. We LOVE the silent treatment. It's the only time she ever shuts up.

You: Where the hell is everyone?

Me: No clue. This is Thursday, right?

You: Pretty sure. But where's Kamren? Where's the audience?

Me: Why was the camera already running when we got here? Did we leave it on all week?

You: The heck is going on around here?

Me: ...

You: ...

Me: *fidgets*

You: *drinks Diet Coke*

Me: WHERE IS EVERYONE??

You: Maybe we heard wrong and we're actually supposed to be back tomorrow instead?

Me: Maybe something bad happened.

You: Why is that always the first place you go?

Me: Because reality is rarely a worse-case scenario, so when it turns out to be something less atrocious, it's a big relief, even if it's still mildly bad news.

You: ...That's actually kinda brilliant.

Me: I like to call it "cynical optimism".

You: So what's the worst case scenario here?

Me: Burning, blowout wreck on the way home for Kamren.

You: And the audience?

Me: They found another show to perv over.

You: ...That doesn't sound so bad.

Me: It's K's show.

You: OHMYGODWEHAVETOSAVETHEM.

VO Kamren: *runs in, huffing and gasping* Sorry! I overslept!

Me: See? He's not a burning husk of a person still smoldering at the roadside.

VO Kamren: ...I what now?

Me: Never mind.

VO Kamren: Where's the audience?

You: Thought they were with you.

VO Kamren: ...How would that even be possible?

You: *eyeroll*

Me: Hey, check Facebook. Maybe our page put the wrong date or something.

You: *checks* Nope. It says Thursday.

VO Kamren: Then... what do we do?

You: *shrug* I can sit here and drink my Diet Coke.

Me: I brought a book. I'm on an Agatha Christie kick lately.

You: Why would that ever happen?

Me: Normally, I'd mourn your pedestrian tastes in literature, but it's mostly because I stopped by a used book store and cleaned them out of Agatha Christie novels.

You: Boring.

Me: CLASSIC. There's a difference.

You: Says you.

Audience: *shuffles in like well-fed cattle*

You: *glares* Where the hell have you been?

Audience: She noticed us!

You: I'm already regretting it.

Me: See? They're not perving over some dumb "I'm always right even when I'm clearly not" talk show starring K and her ginormous, flatulent, clearly misplaced ego.

VO Kamren: ...They what now??

You: But seriously, where have you been? The episode's almost over.

Audience: We overslept. Sue us.

Me: ...All of you?

You: ...Overslept the same amount of time?

Audience: Yeah? So?

Me: Maybe they're not even a hive mind. Maybe they're all infested with parasites that are psychically connected to one giant host parasite that commands them for its own fell purposes.

Audience: ...

VO Kamren: ...

You: I can't believe I almost missed this show.

Me: I missed you, too, sweetcheeks.

You: Ugh. Go watch Rob videos or something.

Me: Whatever. Nate looks like a Who.

VO Kamren: Whoa, whoa. I thought we'd all... like... be glad to see each other. It's been a whole week!

You: *grumbles* There's no place like home.

Me: Wasn't it Robert Frost who said "Home is where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in?"

VO Kamren: I think his quote was a little less... cranky.

Me: Whatever. We were here on time, Sleeping Beauty.

You: Which means I need a pee break.

Me: Right on schedule.

Audience: Can we watch?

You: GROSS! NO!

Me: *sigh* Ah, home crap home.

VO Kamren: I wanna go back to Colorado.

Audience: We wanna go back to our internet porn.

You: I wanna go back to bed.

Me: I wanna go back to Mos Eisley.

Everyone else: ...?

Me: Never mind. Are we done?

VO Kamren: Well, we never got around to a topic, I don't think, but....

You: C'mon. We've surely wasted enough time to call it an episode by now.

Me: Sounds legit.

VO Kamren: Okay, so... next time, I guess?

Audience: Boooooo.

Me: What are you booing?

Audience: ...It just felt right.

You: *eyeroll*

VO Kamren: Yeah, let's just go. Until next time!

Me: When we hope everyone will be on time.

You: Whatever. I hate this show.

-FADE OUT-


	37. Episode 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything is dicks.

VO Kamren: Okay, let's try this again. Lori?

You: Here.

VO Kamren: Mols?

Me: Present.

VO Kamren: Audience?

Audience: Yo.

VO Kamren: Awesome. Camera's rolling?

Camera: *rolls*

VO Kamren: Good. Let's get on with The Show, then! Today's topic is obnoxious bragging!

You: ...Um...?

Me: Oh, Kamren. It's not obnoxious when it's warranted.

Audience: ...We don't get it.

Me: Let me elucidate. He's irritated because I made it to the playoffs in our fantasy football league and he didn't.

VO Kamren: No, I'm not. I'm irritated because IT'S LITERALLY THE FIRST THING YOU SAID TO ME WHEN I GOT BACK.

Me: Same difference.

VO Kamren: Is not!

You: Whoa whoa whoa. Calm down, Annabelle.

Audience: FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

You: Don't make me hose you all down!

Audience: Oh, please do!

You: Gross.

Me: And I didn't exactly brag.

VO Kamren: What part of singing "I'm in the playoffs! I'm in the playoffs! And you're not! Ha ha ha ha ha!" isn't bragging?

Me: The part where I sound a whole lot better singing it than you do.

You: Mols, you didn't.

Me: Of course I didn't. He's just sensitive. Apparently, he has TWO times of the month.

VO Kamren: I'm not on my period!

Me: Yet?

VO Kamren: I don't get a period at all!

Me: That can't be healthy. Have you seen your OB-GYN about that?

You: Mols!

VO Kamren: RUDE!

Audience: *hides chuckles*

You: Am I gonna have to separate you two?

Me: Eh, the podium does a pretty good job of that.

VO Kamren: *throws it*

Me: *blinks* WELL.

You: ...Did Kamren just Hulk out?

VO Kamren: *Hulks out*

Audience: Seriously! How does he still have pants that fit??

Me: What, you'd rather he didn't?

Audience: ...We retract our incredulity.

VO Kamren: KAMREN SMASH!!

You: Mols? You might want to run.

Me: Eh, he'll deflate in a minute or two.

VO Kamren: *deflates*

Me: See?

VO Kamren: Great. Now I feel all... floopy.

Me: ...

You: Mols?

Me: ...*twitches*

Audience: Spit it out.

Me: ...*giggles*

You: WHAT??

Me: Heheheheh. Kamren is a penis.

You: *wide-eyed*

Audience: *wide-eyed*

VO Kamren: *droops*

Me: Seriously! Don't you see it??

You: Why would I want to??

Me: No! I mean... he got all hot and bothered and puffed up, then made a big fuss, then just kinda petered out and went all floopy.

Audience: ...*titters*

You: Don't you mean floppy?

Me: No. That's definitely floopy, not floppy.

VO Kamren: *floops*

You: Gross.

Me: *helpless giggles*

Audience: *still tittering*

VO Kamren: Not funny. Still floopy.

Me: Heheh. Refractory period.

You: GROSS!

VO Kamren: Not on my period!

Me: *falls over laughing*

Audience: *falls over laughing*

You: YOU ARE ALL A BUNCH OF ANNOYING CHILDREN!

VO Kamren: Why haven't we faded to black yet??

Me: *still laughing* Why? Do you always fade to black after you--

You: MOLS! NO! BAD!

Me: *still laughing*

Audience: *points and laughs*

VO Kamren: Stop it! You're all making me feel insecure!

Me: Aw, Kamren. It's okay. Everyone feels a little insecure when they're all floopy.

You: STOP THAT!

Me: *still laughing*

Audience: *gasps* Our sides hurt.

VO Kamren: I get the feeling there is literally nothing I can say that won't sound like a penis joke at this point.

You: Have you ever said anything that couldn't be turned into a penis joke?

VO Kamren: ...

You: Exactly.

VO Kamren: *kicks a rock* Not my fault everything is dicks.

Me: *falls over laughing again*

Audience: *hyperventilates*

You: Ugh, let's just go. This can't possibly end well.

VO Kamren: Has anything we've ever done ended well?

You: ...

VO Kamren: Exactly.

You: Ugh.

Me: *gasps laughter*

Audience: *passes out*

VO Kamren: You guys suck.

You: I have to pee.

VO Kamren: At least some things never change.

-FADE OUT-


	38. Episode 38

VO Kamren: God only knows why we're back, but welcome back to The Show! Today's topic is--

Me: *sneezes*

You: Are you sick?

Me: No.

You: ...You sound sick.

Me: I said one word. You can't tell sickness by one word.

You: You LOOK sick.

Me: ...Thanks.

You: No, I just mean--

Me: I AM NOT SICK.

VO Kamren: Ooookaaaaaayyyy....

Me: *sniffles*

You: *puts on surgical mask*

Me: *eyeroll*

VO Kamren: Anyway, the topic is--

Me: *coughs*

You: MOLS.

Me: NOT SICK. I can't get sick until after DickensFest.

Audience: *dons plague masks*

Me: *glares*

VO Kamren: THE TOPIC IS COMFORT FOODS.

Us: *wide eyes*

Audience: *wide eyes*

VO Kamren: What? Hard to get a word in edgewise with all the being sick and mask-donning.

You: Rude, Annabelle.

Me: Fiddly rude.

VO Kamren: Whatever, plague-pusher.

Me: RUDE! *sneezecoughs*

VO Kamren: Don't breathe in my direction.

Me: Jerk!

You: I want fried chicken now.

Me: You don't like fried chicken.

You: What? Are you crazy? I love fried chicken!

Me: *sneezes* You HATE fried chicken, because real fried chicken is on the bone, and meat on the bone sicks you out.

You: Fried chicken doesn't have to be on the bone!

Me: Fiddly does. Otherwise, it's just chicken strips or whatever.

You: How is battering and frying a boneless, skinless chicken breast not the same fried chicken as battering and frying a chunk of ribcage with breast meat attached??

Me: It just isn't. If you go to the deep South and say you want boneless, skinless fried chicken, they'll kick you out for being a communist Yankee. *coughs*

You: This isn't the deep South!

Audience: *yawns behind masks*

VO Kamren: *headshake* I thought a discussion of comfort food would be more... ya know... comforting.

You: I thought you knew us better than that.

Me: I thought human beings were capable of breathing through their noses. *blows nose*

You: Gross!

Audience: We thought this conversation would suck less.

You: I guess we're all wrong, then.

Me: *mouthbreathes*

VO Kamren: *dons surgical mask*

Me: NOT SICK.

You: You need egg drop soup.

Me: That... I agree with.

You: Hey, Kamren. Order us some Chinese food so Mols can have some soup. I want mushroom chicken.

Audience: We'll take broccoli beef and about a hundred egg rolls.

Me: *sneezes*

You: And an entire bucket of egg drop soup.

VO Kamren: I'm not ordering takeout. We don't have that kind of budget.

Me: *looks pitiful, sniffles*

You: How can you deny that face?

VO Kamren: It's not like we get paid for this! You wouldn't let me advertise!

You: If you'd advertised for a Chinese restaurant, we wouldn't have complained!

Me: *sniffles, looks more pitiful*

You: C'mon, Kamren. She looks miserable!

Me: *looks miserable*

Audience: Even WE feel sorry for her, and she's a demon psychic who should burn in hell.

Me: *twitches*

VO Kamren: WE HAVE NO FOOD BUDGET. And I'm not paying out of pocket.

You: I bet if Rob was here, he'd buy her egg drop soup.

Me: *coughsneezes*

VO Kamren: Yeah, well he doesn't know she exists, and I'm not buying.

Me: *cries*

You: KAMREN ANNABELLE KIDDYPERV. You take that back right now!

VO Kamren: No! I'm not buying!

You: Not that part, jerk! The part about Rob not knowing she exists! That was just mean!

Audience: Fiddly mean, dude. And this is US saying that.

Me: *criessnifflessneezecoughscries*

Audience: Aaaaawwwwwwww....

VO Kamren: How is that mean?? He DOESN'T know she exists! It's just the truth!

Me: *messycries worse*

You: *patpats Me* Kamren, she's sick! You can't--

Me: *chokescries* NOT SICK!

You: You can't say something like that when someone's sick and their defenses are down!

VO Kamren: ...

You: *glares*

Audience: *glares*

Me: *coughsnifflescries*

VO Kamren: Ugh. Fine. I'll get ONE order of egg drop soup. The rest of you heathens are on your own.

Me: *sniffles*

You: *glares more*

Audience: *glares more*

VO Kamren: *eyeroll* And I'm sure that if Rob knew you existed, he'd buy you egg drop soup, too.

Me: *tentative smile*

VO Kamren: *grumbles under breath* If for no other reason than to stop with the glaring, already.

Me: *uglycries*

You: KAMREN!!

Audience: Dude. Not cool.

VO Kamren: Whatever. I gotta go make a delivery call. Just fade out already. I hate sick people.

Me: *uses all the kleenex ever* NOT SICK!!

You: *patpats Me* Of course you're not, Mols. Kamren's just an asshole.

Audience: We still want egg rolls.

Kamren: *on phone* Yeah, do you deliver under $5? Great. I need your smallest cup of egg drop soup--

-FADE OUT-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the record, I was sick as balls. Ugh. DickensFest was... mucusy.


	39. Episode 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I have a ghost meter. The real question is "why don't you?".

VO Kamren: Welcome back to The Show! Everyone wearing their plague masks?

Me: I'M NOT SICK, JERKFACE.

You: Ugh. Don't start already, guys.

VO Kamren: Whatever. Today's topic is... uh....

Me: ...

You: ...

Audience: ...

VO Kamren: ...Okay, who's doing that?

You: Doing what?

VO Kamren: Wiggling my podium.

You: ...

Me: ...Is that a euphamism?

Audience: ...We're not sure if we want a yes or a no there.

VO Kamren: No! The podium! It's... like... moving. Come feel it.

Me: No.

You: No.

Audience: ...If it was Lori saying that, yes. Since it's him... no.

Me: Sure you're not just being oversensitive again?

VO Kamren: Ugh! Will you stop with that? It's really... wait... no, it's stopped.

You: Good. Can we get on with it now?

VO Kamren: Fine. Where was I?

Us: The topic.

VO Kamren: Right. The topic is--

Podium: *falls over*

Everyone else: ...

Podium: *lies there*

VO Kamren: Okay, everybody saw that, right?

Me: Why is he knocking his podium over?

You: Hellifiknow. Maybe some kind of protest?

VO Kamren: I didn't knock it over!

Me: Suuuuuuure.

You: Okay, so it fell. Whatever. Pick it up and let's get on with it.

Podium: *picks self up*

Audience: DEMONS! KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!

Me: ...

You: ...

VO Kamren: OKAY, YOU FIDDLY SAW THAT, RIGHT??

You: Hey, Mols. Go get your ghost meter.

Me: Seriously? He's just trying to get attention.

Podium: *flings self at the audience*

Audience: *screams like little girls*

Me: Heheheh.

You: Okay, so THAT was him getting attention?

Me: No, but it was still pretty funny.

You: GHOST METER.

Me: Fine. *eyeroll* Be right back.

You: While she's gone--

Audience: *still screaming*

VO Kamren: I've never seen anything like that.

You: Neither have I, but it was pretty cool.

VO Kamren: How are you not freaking out right now? You're scared of EVERYTHING!

You: Apparently, I'm not afraid of rickety furniture.

Podium: *rights self, then does a little dance*

VO Kamren: Rickety, huh?

You: How is it possible for something with only one leg to Charleston??

Me: Back! I have the... yup. It pegged itself. This thing is haunted as balls.

You: Sweet! I've never seen a ghost before!

Me: Still haven't.

You: Shut up. You know what I mean.

VO Kamren: *sweats* I... really don't know what to... like... do right now.

Me: *griiiiiins* Lori?

You: Yeah?

Me: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

You: Clearly not.

Me: *raises eyebrows and points at the Thriller-dancing podium*

You: ...STEVE?? We're calling Steve??

Me: Hellyeah!

You: I LOVE YOU! This is the best thing that ever happened ever!

VO Kamren: WHY IS IT CHASING ME?? *runs in circles*

Audience: *still shrieking like a firebell*

Me: *whips out cell phone*

You: What, you have them on speed dial?

Me: I have been waiting for this moment for years. *dials* Hello, TAPS? Yes, I have a ghost problem that I think you guys could help with. No, I didn't call the local paranormal society. Why? Because I'm part of the local paranormal society, and they could not handle this one. Trust me. They're like the freakin Scooby Doo gang.

You: *snickers*

VO Kamren: *runs in zigzags instead of circles*

Podium: *chases in zigzags instead of circles*

Audience: *shrieks*

Me: Honestly, I think this is one Jay would want to look into himself. Yes. Yes. No. Yes. It's a podium. No, not an auditorium, just the one podium. It did the Charleston. Yeah, that old-timey dance. Oh, now it's moonwalking. Whoops, it's back to chasing our voiceover guy now.

VO Kamren: *runs*

Podium: *chases*

Lori: *eats popcorn*

Audience: *shrieks*

Me: Yeah, that's our audience. No, there aren't any children, sorry. I know they're a priority for you guys, but--oh, they SOUND like little girls. Yeah, I know, right? But yeah, they're freaking out. Uh-oh. The podium is twerking now. Oh, they'll be here tonight? Huh. Who knew twerking would move us to the front of the line. No, that's great! We'll be here. *hangs up* We're in!

Lori: Tonight? Really? That's awesome!

Me: Nobody likes twerking. That's just going too far.

Podium: *twerks*

VO Kamren: *faints*

Audience: *shrieks*

Me: This is gonna be a fun night.

Lori: Do I get to make out with Steve??

Me: I dunno. His fiancee may have something to say about that.

Lori: What she doesn't know doesn't count.

Me: So I have an idea.

Lori: Is it painful?

Me: Ha. So let's go ahead and do a special episode tonight. It'll be a Ghost Hunters episode. They'll be like our special guests.

Lori: I'm in.

Us: *highfive*

Me: Go ahead and fade out, then. We'll be back later for an extra special episode!

Audience: *still shrieking*

Lori: Seriously good lung capacity, there.

Me: I know, right?

-FADE OUT-


	40. Episode 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This should go without saying, but this is the internet, so... DISCLAIMER: neither TAPS nor the Ghost Hunters had anything to do with this episode. I can only hope they never, ever read it.

VO Kamren: *stands far, far away from the podium* Welcome back, folks! This is a very special episode!

You: Is it weird that it worked out that a special episode is a nice, round number?

Me: Handy, at least.

VO Kamren: If you watched earlier today, you saw my podium go a little haywire.

Me: To be perfectly frank, it acted a damn fool.

You: No, that was Kamren.

Me: ...True enough.

VO Kamren: Rude!

Audience: Why didn't you kill it with fire??

Me: Because we figured it'd be better to call in the recruits.

Audience: But... for something like this, who are you going to call?

VO Kamren: *opens mouth*

Me: Don't do it.

You: It's too easy.

VO Kamren: *whines*

You: We called Ghost Hunters! Steve's gonna be here any minute!

Me: Along with the rest of the intrepid crew.

You: Don't care! Steve!

VO Kamren: I thought she was into Nate?

Me: I blame it on her ADD, baby.

VO Kamren: ...Sounds legit.

Podium: *just stands there*

Jay: *strolls all up in the joint* Hello! We're here to help!

You: STEVE!! *squees and passes out*

Steve: ...I feel like I missed something important.

Me: Meh. She just does that sometimes. It's weirder when the guy's name ISN'T Steve.

Steve: Yeah, I can feel that.

Tango: Let's get set up so we can get on with the investigation.

Jay: You guys do that, and we'll go on the tour.

VO Kamren: Oh... uh... not a tour, really. Just... it's that podium over there. *points*

Jay: *looks* Uh. *looks again* What about it?

Me: *smiles and waits*

VO Kamren: *sweats* It did an old-timey dance, then chased me in both circles and zigzags, then twerked at us.

Jay: *nods* That could be signs of a demonic.

VO Kamren: *eyes wide* What's a demonic?

Me: *sits back with popcorn*

Jay: A demonic is something that's never walked the earth in human form. They're usually very powerful.

Me: *aside to comatose Lori* And they're usually not really a demonic.

You: *wakes up* Shoosh!

Audience: WE TOLD YOU IT WAS DEMONS!!

Jay: *eyes the audience* That unison thing. That is definitely a sign of demonic possession.

Me: Oh, no. They're always that way.

You: Where's Steve??

Me: Setting up.

You: ...I'm gonna go help.

Me: Pee first. Trust me.

You: SHOOSH!

Jay: So... does the podium do anything else?

Me: Pretty sure it did the Thriller dance at one point.

VO Kamren: Which makes no sense, because it has no arms and only the one leg.

Jay: *nods*

Me: You've seen that before?

Jay: If I've seen it once, I've seen it a thousand times.

Me: ...So have you seen it once??

Jay: Any other paranormal experiences here?

VO Kamren: Nope. Just the podium.

Me: Which, of course, isn't doing a damn thing right now.

Audience: IT'S BIDING ITS TIME.

Steve & Tango: *come back in with equipment*

Steve: Should be an easy set-up.

Tango: Yup. With just the one thing, I don't even know why we rigged up all the other rooms in the building.

Audience: ...Even the bathroom?

Tango: Pssh. That was done like an hour ago.

Audience: ...Uh... the noises on that tape were totally not because of the free wifi in the bathroom. There were ghosts. Loud, groany, grunting ghosts. LOTS OF THEM.

Steve: Ew.

Tango: Not again.

Lori: Steve!! *squees and passes out*

Me: See? ALL THE TIME.

Steve: Is it like a medical condition or something?

Jay: So, we're all set up?

Steve: Yup. Lemme give you a look at all the angles, and if you like 'em, we can lock 'em down.

Jay: Looks good. Let's get the lights out and start this thing!

Audience: Wait, you're turning off the lights??

VO Kamren: But... it'll be dark in here.

Jay: That's... kinda how it works. The infrared cameras will be on.

Me: Can I go in with someone? I really, really want to investigate.

Lori: Go in? We're... like... already here.

Me: You know what I mean!

Lori: Dibs on Steve and Tango.

Me: *eyeroll*

Jay: You can come in with me and KJ. Voice-over guy? You want in, too?

VO Kamren: Uh... no. I'm... I'm good. Way over here.

Jay: *whispers* It's just a podium.

VO Kamren: *unmoved* It twerked at me.

Jay: Chicken.

Me: You have NO idea.

VO Kamren: Just do your thing! Geez!

Jay: Right. I wanna check out this podium. Make sure it's not rigged.

Me: Sweet. Can I get a K2 meter?

Jay: You don't have your own?

Me: Nope. Just a "ghost meter".

Jay: That is tragic. Here.

Me: Eeee! New things!

Jay: *examines the table* Okaaaaaay. No extra joints. No springs. No strings.

Me: I got no strings... to hold me down...

Jay: Really? You went with Pinocchio?

Me: It seemed to fit. There are no strings on it.

Jay: ...Fair enough. Steve & Tango? Take the fainty chick over to the audience and try to butch them up a bit.

Steve & Tango: On it.

Steve: Hey, Tango. I dare you to lick that podium later.

Tango: I'm not gonna lick it. God only knows where it's been!

Steve: ...Fifty bucks.

Tango: ...Sold.

Lori: *swoons*

VO Kamren: I can't see a thing in here. Why do the lights have to be off?

Jay: *knocks on the table* Good, solid wood. This is actually a pretty good, sturdy podium here. How much you want for it?

Me: Ten for the table. A hundred for the ghost.

Jay: ...

Me: ...

Jay: I see no evidence of a haunting, here.

Me: It twerked.

Jay: ...My very own piece of demonic furniture.

Me: I take cash.

Jay: Sold.

VO Kamren: Wait! That's my podium! You can't sell it!

Podium: *does the Hokey Pokey and turns itself about*

Jay: Okay, that's interesting.

Me: That's what it's all about.

Audience: KILL IT WITH ALL THE FIRE!

VO Kamren: See?? I told you!

Steve: Ssh!

Everyone else: *sshes*

Steve: Anyone hear that?

Tango: No. What did you hear?

Steve: ...I don't hear it now.

Lori: What was it?

Steve: Footsteps. I heard a distinct heel to toe sound.

Tango: I didn't hear it. Maybe we got it on the tape?

Steve: Roll it back. Let's hear it.

Lori: This is so exciting!!

Tango: *rolls it back*

Tape: **NOW IS COME THE END OF ALL THINGS! BEWARE, PUNY MORTALS, FOR THY TIME HAS COME 'ROUND AT LAST!** *footsteps* **THE DESTROYER, THE EATER OF SOULS, THE DRINKER OF LIFE IS COME, AND ALL THINGS THAT ARE MUST END!!**

Steve: See? Footsteps! You all heard them, right?

Tango: Absolutely. Heard the heel, heard the toe.

Jay: That's amazing. And that seals it: there's definitely paranormal activity here.

VO Kamren: We already told you that!!

Jay: But now we have evidence on tape.

VO Kamren: WE ALREADY HAD EVIDENCE ON TAPE! Our camera was rolling the whole time!

Me: Not that anyone actually turned it on. Maybe our ghost is a dead cameraman?

Lori: Aw! We should do an EVP session!

Jay: Eh, we got what we needed. We're out.

Steve & Tango: *loads up the equipment*

KJ: This sucks. I didn't even get to talk in this one.

Jay: If you need us at any time, call your local paranormal society.

Me: But I'm IN the local paranormal society! They suck! That's why I called you!

Jay: Great investigation, everyone. We're out! Podium?

Podium: *follows*

VO Kamren: HEY!

Me: To be fair, I did sell it.

VO Kamren: Where's my half of the money?

Me: Who said you got half?

Lori: I didn't get to kiss Steve. He was, like, actually WORKING.

Me: That's just sad.

Audience: So... they took the podium. Does that mean... it's gone?

Camera: *turns self off*

Lights: *dim on their own*

Everyone else: *stands in the dark*

Me: Uh... guys?

Lori: I take it the ghost didn't go with the podium.

VO Kamren: Or there's more than one?

Audience: GET THEE BEHIND US, SPAWN OF SATAN!!

Me: *sigh* I somehow thought this would end better.

Lori: I have to pee. And I'm sad that I didn't get to make out with Steve.

VO Kamren: I want my podium back!

Audience: *whimpers*

-FADE OUT-


	41. Episode 41

VO Kamren: *twitches* Welcome back to The Show. I'm honestly shocked that anyone showed up after last time.

Me: Are you kidding? I love working in haunted places!

You: I've always wanted to experience real paranormal activity, so this is like a dream come true! Almost makes this shitshow worth it.

Audience: *trembles*

Camera: *rolls*

VO Kamren: You guys are freaks. I'm with the audience on this one.

Me: Oh, oh! What are "Things you should never say under any circumstances?"

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

You: *eyeroll* No, Mols, this isn't a Jeopardy! episode.

Me: Dammit.

VO Kamren: ANYWAY, the topic for today is toothpicks.

You: ...

Me: ...

Audience: ...What was that? Did anyone else hear footsteps?

Us: No.

Audience: *trembles more*

VO Kamren: Guys? Toothpicks. Get to it.

You: What exactly do you expect us to be able to say about toothpicks??

VO Kamren: I dunno. It's your show. Talk.

Me: About toothpicks??

VO Kamren: Yes, about toothpicks.

Me: ...Is that your final answer?

You: Mols! This isn't a Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? episode!

Me: LAME.

You: Whatever. And I don't think I've ever used a toothpick. They're weird, right?

Me: I use 'em when I'm baking. Like to check to see if a cake or whatever is done. But to pick my teeth? No. Gross.

You: Gross!

Me: Exactly.

Audience: Are the lights dimmer? We think the lights are dimmer. Did anyone do that??

Me: They are really stuck on that whole "haunted studio" thing.

Lights: *flicker off and on*

You: You can't guess why?

Me: ...Can I buy a vowel?

You: This isn't a Wheel of Fortune episode! Geez!

VO Kamren: I miss my podium.

You: Aw, already missing how it twerked at you?

VO Kamren: No! Geez. Just... other than the flinging itself across the room thing, it was a good podium.

You: *eyeroll*

VO Kamren: Just wish I knew why it started doing that.

Me: It learned it by watching you!!

VO Kamren: ...

You: ...

Audience: ...

Camera: *speaks Latin backwards*

Audience: *screams like little girls*

You: Huh. Wonder what it actually said.

Me: Oh, oh! Survey says--

You: NO! This isn't a Family Feud episode! The heck is wrong with you today??

Me: I just thought that since we did a Ghost Hunters crossover episode, we might be able to do other kinds of crossovers.

You: But why gameshows?

Me: Hellifiknow. I'm just going with the flow.

You: ...Fair enough. Sometimes, I'd swear this show is just a long series of us getting Punk'd.

Me: OH MY GOD. That actually makes perfect sense.

Audience: No! Please no! Ghosts are scary enough! Don't make us suffer Aston Kutcher!!

Us: Hosnap!

VO Kamren: I think that's enough for today, guys. You sort of talked about the topic, so I'm calling that good before the audience's heads start spinning around and vomiting pea soup.

You: Gross! Why would they do that??

Me: Have you met our audience? That's like their usual Thursday night.

You: ...But it's Monday.

Me: ...Granted.

Audience: *whimpers*

VO Kamren: Yup, that's it for today. Join us next time, when we talk about God knows what, because we never stick to the topic anyway!

You: He's finally starting to get it.

Me: It takes him a little longer. You can't really hold it against him.

You: Damn, Mols. That's cold.

Audience: COLD SPOTS ARE DEMONS!!

Us: *sigh*

-FADE OUT-


	42. Episode 42

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In reality, I have never met Kamren's parents. They cannot possibly be like this. Just sayin. We are, however, in the same fantasy football league and have been for the last several years.

VO Kamren: Welcome back to The Show! We're always amazed anyone watches this crap!

You: He's really getting cynical in his old age, isn't he?

Me: Freakin tragic.

VO Kamren: Shoosh. Today's topic is... wait. Why are my parents in the audience?

Audience: We thought we felt intruders in our midst. We thought it was the studio demons.

Me: Who says Kamren's parents AREN'T demons?

Audience: PURGE THEM! PURGE THEM WITH FIRE!

You: Stop that! I invited them!

VO Kamren: Why would you do that??

You: Annabelle, we have to figure out why you are the way you are.

VO Kamren: What's that supposed to mean??

Me: Come on up here, Kamren's parents. Do you mind standing? We're a little short on furniture at the moment.

Kamren's Dad: We can do anything standing.

You: ...Was that a euphamism?

Kamren's Mom: Yes. Yes, it was.

Me: I like 'em already.

VO Kamren: Stop that! No corrupting my parents! They're like the Cleavers, for cryin out loud!

Kamren's Dad: I'd have tapped June Cleaver.

VO Kamren: DAD! What??

You: Best. Episode. Ever.

Audience: We're into it. At least your table isn't elevating.

Kamren's Dad: I can do that. Without using my hands.

VO Kamren: Noooo! What are you doing to my parents??

Kamren's Mom: Nothing. YET.

Kamren's Dad: Bow chicka bow wow.

Me: Seriously. Best. Episode. EVER.

VO Kamren: No. NO. You do not get to ruin the one inarguably unruinable thing in my life!

Audience: Can WE ruin them, then?

Kamren's Mom: You can ruin me anytime.

Audience: *salivates*

Me: Lori, I think you might have been replaced in their affections.

You: I am totally fine with that.

Me: I sense a long and glorious future of Kamren's Mom jokes.

Kamren's Dad: I've got something long and glorious for you, too.

VO Kamren: NOOOOOOO!! *curls into the fetal position*

Me: Seriously. If you guys are so cool, how is Kamren so sheltered and uptight??

Kamren's Dad: Are you kidding? He's too fragile for us to be ourselves around him.

Kamren's Mom: Well, sort of. We decided when we had kids that we'd be "perfect family" material.

You: But behind all that, you're just filthy.

Kamren's Mom: Deliciously filthy.

Audience: We love you. Can we keep you?

Kamren's Mom: Only if your shackles are bolted down well enough.

Audience: *whimpers and drools more*

VO Kamren: *whimpers and curls up tighter*

Us: BEST. EPISODE. EVER.

Kamren's Mom: So what do you guys have planned for Christmas?

Kamren's Dad: Now that we're all acquainted, we should invite you over to our dungeon.

You: Um... don't you mean house?

Kamren's Dad: ...That too.

Me: So you really DO have a basement!

Kamren's Mom: Oh, yes. Soundproofed and everything.

Audience: *breathes heavily*

VO Kamren: *cringes*

You: Leeeeeet's try to bring this thing back on the rails. Do you guys do normal stuff, like Secret Santa?

Kamren's Dad: Is that like when you wear a blindfold and I sneak in dressed in nothing but a Santa hat?

Me: Kamren, your parents are AWESOME.

You: ...I'm actually a little scared right now.

Kamren's Mom: You're scaring the straights, honey. Lori, to answer your question, yes. We do Secret Santa gifts. I found a great idea on Pinterest the other day.

You: Yes! This, I can talk about. I saw the most adorable do-it-yourself idea on Pinterest, and I can't wait to try it!

Kamren's Mom: Was it the crocheted penis snood? Because I tried making one for Kamren's father one year, but I couldn't find a pattern large enough.

VO Kamren: *cries*

You: ...

Me: *chuckles*

Audience: *shudders*

You: ...Uh... no. It was a reindeer made of felt and pipe cleaners.

Kamren's Mom: I'd think the pipe cleaners would be uncomfortable down there.

Me: *snickers*

You: They didn't go down there! Geez!

Kamren's Dad: ...I don't think they'd be comfortable back there, either.

Me: Oh, my God, this is priceless.

You: GROSS! NO!

VO Kamren: *curls up tighter*

Audience: *shudders and breathes more heavily*

You: Okay, that's it. I'm calling it a day. Fade out before... well, just BEFORE.

Kamren's Dad: Was it something we said?

Me: No.

You: YES!

Kamren's Mom: So we'll see you in a few weeks for our annual Winter Solstice orgy?

Me: I am sooooo tempted, just to mess with Kamren's head.

You: Not a chance in hell.

Audience: Yes! Yes, we'll be there! With bells on!

Kamren's Mom: And nothing else?

Audience: *passes out*

VO Kamren: Not hearing this not hearing this nothearingthisnothearingthis--

Kamren's Dad: Oh, and Mols? Congratulations on only being 4 back on the Pigskin Pick'em thing. You're catching up!

Me: I know, right? One of these days, I'll actually win, there. Pretty stoked about being in the fantasy football playoffs, too.

Kamren's Dad: I know, right? Highfive!

Me: *highfives*

You: Wait, how did you two just have a conversation without any innuendo?

Kamren's Dad: Football talk is magic.

Me: Seriously. We would never sully our football congratulations with smut.

Kamren's Dad: We would, however, sully anything and everything else.

Me: Of course. Kamren's parents, it was absolutely enlightening to meet you.

Kamren's Dad: It'll be a pleasure to meat you.

VO Kamren: No no no no nononononononono--

Kamren's Mom: And Lori, darling, we'll have to get together for a Pinterest party sometime. You'd be amazed by all the do-it-yourself bondage gear you can make with just a few simple household supplies.

You: ...Um....

Audience: *still passed out, but twitches feebly*

You: Yeah... let's just call it a day. This was... way weirder than it should have been.

Kamren's Dad: Yet not nearly weird enough.

You: Fade out! Geez!

-FADE OUT-


	43. Episode 43

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lori and I have had this paper conversation almost exactly. She really, really hates paper. I can't emphasize that enough. She got grossed out just reading this.

You: ...

Me: ...

Audience: ...

Camera: *rolls*

You: ...Kamren's late again.

Me: Yup.

Audience: We miss his mom.

You: Gross. But seriously, is this gonna be a thing now? Kamren being late?

Me: Who knows? I mean, I'd rather him be late than, like, a charred, broken husk by the roadside.

You: Already? Geez, you're really taking this cynical optimism thing the distance.

Me: Anything worth doing is worth doing the hell out of.

You: ...Pretty sure that's not how that quote goes.

Audience: What do you think she's wearing right now?

You: Gross! Stop that!

Me: Or at least stop verbalizing it.

Audience: ...

Me: They're thinking about it, aren't they?

You: Yup.

Us: Gross.

You: ...

Me: ...

Audience: ...*thinks about what Kamren's mom is wearing*

Camera: *rolls*

You: ...*facebooks*

Me: ...*whips out Agatha Christie novel and reads*

Audience: ...*pervs on Kamren's mom*

Camera: ...*scoots a little to the right, rolls*

You: Should we maybe... go on with The Show?

Me: *shrug* The Show must go on?

Audience: ...*still perving*

Us: *eyeroll*

You: Okay, so... topic. I hate paper. That's a topic, right?

Me: And I love paper. I'm like a paper collector.

You: Ugh! It's so... dry and... it just feels so weird and scrapy and gross on my fingers. I hate it!

Me: But it's so useful! My sister and I are both paper hogs. Heh, we have like REAMS of all different kinds of paper.

You: Gross!

Me: Newsprint and card stock. Watercolor paper and sketchpads. Typewriter paper and lined notebook paper and bound journals and spiral notebooks.

You: *shudders* Stop! I can't take anymore!

Me: But think of all the things you can do with paper!

You: No!

Me: Draw on it. Write on it. Paint on it. Cut it into shapes. Fold it all fancy. Tear it into strips and flour-glue it.

You: Ew! You have to, like, touch it!

Me: Paper is the best thing in the world. Besides Mom's fried chicken. And Rob's back in a tight shirt.

You: UGH! The texture is just... revolting!

Me: WHEN DID YOU TOUCH ROB'S BACK IN A TIGHT SHIRT??

You: No! Sheesh! I was talking about paper!

My Phone: *vibrates*

Your Phone: *vibrates*

Audience: *vibrates*

You: Gross. They don't even HAVE phones.

Us: *check phones*

You: From Kamren?

Me: Yup.

You: *reads* Minnesota?? What's he doing in the Great White North?

Me: That's Canada.

You: Close enough! Why the heck is he damn near in Canada??

Me: And why didn't he tell us before, like... now?

Phones: *vibrate*

Us: He's gonna be gone all week??

Audience: *grumbles* Another break? Really?

You: Looks like it.

Me: Look at it this way: you guys have plenty of time to perv over Kamren's mom in the privacy of your own homes.

Audience: ...We'll take it.

You: Seriously. Why didn't he tell us yesterday? I could have slept in!

Me: I know, right? I could have been dreaming about the texture of Rob's back in a tight shirt.

You: Oh, my God, let it go!

Me: Will do. Just as soon as you stop dreaming about running your fingers through Nate's hair while he sings you to sleep.

You: ...

Me: ...

Audience: ...*pervs on Kamren's mom some more*

You: ...Fine.

Me: So... outta here until next week?

You: Looks like it.

Me: Camera?

Camera: *shuts off*

Me: I love having a haunted studio. Our ghosts are so helpful!

You: Lights?

Lights: *dim*

Audience: *screams like little girls and runs*

You: Nicely done.

Me: Best. Ghosts. EVER.

-FADE OUT-


	44. Episode 44

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I seriously hate feet. So bad. Just... *shudders*

VO Kamren: ...Where is everybody?

Camera: *rolls*

VO Kamren: Hello? Anybody here?

Lights: *slowly come on*

VO Kamren: ...Um....

Audience: *shuffles in and huddles together*

VO Kamren: Did you guys do the thing with the lights?

Audience: No. We HATE the thing with the lights.

VO Kamren: Any idea where Lori and Mols are?

Audience: Lori hasn't been on Facebook much lately, so... no.

VO Kamren: ...And? What about Mols?

Audience: We're more interested in your mom. Does she prefer satin or silk?

VO Kamren: GROSS! Dammit. *pulls out phone and texts*

You: *strolls in, phone in hand* I'm right here. Geez. Keep your panties on, Annabelle.

VO Kamren: Where have you been??

You: *holds up 64-oz Diet Coke*

VO Kamren: *headshake* Fine, whatever. Where's Mols?

You: Dunno. She probably overslept or something. Since we're never sure if you'll be here or not--

VO Kamren: Ugh, for the millionth time, I TOLD you guys--

You: --we're not really concerned about the whole "on time" thing this week.

Audience: We're bored. Can't Kamren's mom guest star again?

VO Kamren: Gross! No! That was not... I mean, my parents aren't usually like that!

You: I dunno, My Buddy. They were pretty good at acting like it.

VO Kamren: Stop talking about it! It was weird and... and scarring!

Me: *runs in with a whoop and knee-slides across the floor*

VO Kamren: ...

You: ...

Audience: Needs more cowbell.

Me: My fantasy team made it through the first round of the playoffs! WOOT! *air guitars*

Audience: *air guitars*

You: *air guitars* What the--

VO Kamren: *air guitars* Help! I'm possessed!

Me: *gets up and goes to regular seat* Sorry. Had to do it. You've all been B&T-ed.

VO Kamren: What does that even mean?

Me: *headshake* So young. So deprived of pop culture.

You: You seriously had to power slide over a freebie league where you'll win nothing if you win at all?

Me: It's the principle of the thing.

You: Lame.

Audience: This whole episode needs more cowbell.

Me: Is that a euphamism for Kamren's mom?

Audience: ...It is now.

VO Kamren: Stop that! Let's just do the damn episode, okay??

Me: What's got his panties in a wad?

You: Something about us being late.

Me: Hey, at least we're HERE.

VO Kamren: For the last time, I TOLD you guys I--

Me: So what's the topic?

You: Dunno yet. Kamren's being especially PMS-y today.

VO Kamren: I don't have PMS!

You: Whatever. Let's get on with it, already.

VO Kamren: Ugh! Just for that, talk about shoe shopping or something girly like that!

You: ...

Me: ...

Audience: ...That's cold, man.

You: And rude.

Me: You rotten bastard. I hate feet!

VO Kamren: That's what you get.

You: Ugh, whatever. Let's get this over with. I mean, shoes are fine and all, I guess?

Me: Shoes are meant to cover the feet and protect them from the elements. It's shocking to me how many shoes fail at that simple task.

You: What are you even talking about?

Me: Pretty much anything that isn't a tennis shoe or a boot.

You: I don't even...?

Me: Anything with a heel is impractical, at best. The heel of a shoe was originally invented to keep feet from sliding forward out of a stirrup and became something of a status symbol because that meant mostly soldiers and other on-horse powerhouses used them, but for anything else? WILDLY impractical. So... not protecting the foot. Or the ankle, for that matter.

You: You have put WAY too much thought into this.

Me: And anything that doesn't actually cover the entire foot is just leaving it vulnerable to attack.

You: Attack?? Where the heck are you walking that's so damn dangerous??

Me: Hey, if I can't run away from the undead in it, I'm not putting it on my feet.

Audience: ...We aren't sure if we're bored or not. Do either of you have a foot fetish?

Us: Gross! No!

Audience: Bored then. Booooooo.

VO Kamren: I'm just shocked they're actually talking about the topic.

Me: No, seriously. Feet are DISGUSTING. Even well-cared-for feet are still the dirty body phalanges you stomp around on all day. Gross!

You: Yeah, you guys really don't understand how much she hates feet.

Me: LOATHES them.

You: Yeah. That.

VO Kamren: So you don't do pedicures?

Me: *shudders in revulsion*

You: Which is a shame because a good foot pampering feels amazing.

Me: *gags*

Audience: We could go for a good foot massage right now.

Me: Stop! Gross!

You: Wait, wait, wait. You said you give an awesome foot massage.

Me: Not to just anyone! I pretty much have to love that person, and even then, they have to not have disgusting feet.

You: ...Rob?

Me: ...I hate you.

You: But you'd fiddly give him a foot massage, wouldn't you?

Me: ...I see no reason to answer that question until it becomes an actual issue.

You: So if he was here right now and thrust his... what'd you call it... body phalange at you, you wouldn't rub it?

Audience: That sounded dirty. Say it again.

You: Gross. You just ruined it for me.

Me: THAT body phalange, I have no problem with.

VO Kamren: How does that even work??

Me: Oh, Kamren. You're so sheltered.

You: *headshake* Poor kid.

VO Kamren: What? NO! I know how-- I meant how are you okay with... THAT... but have a problem with feet?

Me: Does everything have to make sense?

You: Because that fiddly doesn't.

Me: I'm willing to acknowledge my flaws. Feet are gross. Penises, for the most part, are fine.

Audience: We can work with that.

Me: Gross.

VO Kamren: Ugh. Before this goes even further in the tank, let's call it a day.

Me: Cool with me.

You: *shrug* I need another Diet Coke, anyway.

Me: I'd say something, but it's too easy at this point.

Audience: Like Kamren's mom?

VO Kamren: Hey!

Us: *chuckle*

VO Kamren: Ugh! Everybody out! This episode is over!

Lights: *abruptly go out*

Audience: *shrieks and huddles together*

Me: Very literal, our ghosts.

You: Eh, works for me. I was done anyway.

-FADE OUT-


	45. Episode 45

VO Kamren: Looks like we're all here and on time, so--

You: You're one to talk, Mr. No-show.

Me: Yeah. Don't even.

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: Don't look at us. We're thinking about your mom.

VO Kamren: What's going on?

You: Don't gimme that, Kamren Annabelle. You NEVER answer texts or emails anymore.

Me: Seriously. All we get is "I'm busy". Whatever.

Audience: *whips out popcorn*

VO Kamren: I AM busy! I'm catching up at the day job from being gone last week!

You: And this is our problem... why?

VO Kamren: I... you... but....

Me: See, he doesn't have an explanation. He's just ignoring us.

You: Yeah, well... two can play at that game.

Me: Three.

Audience: Four!

Us: ...

Audience: Seriously? You don't count us all as one by now?

Me: ...Granted.

VO Kamren: But I'm not ignoring--

You: So let's come up with a topic. I say... marshmallows.

Me: I say... it's adorable that Rob spells "dammit" like I spell "dammit".

You: ...There's more than one way?

VO Kamren: Guys, I have a topic right--

Me: Most people spell it "damnit", like they're just taking out the space. LAME. If you're gonna shorten, go whole hog. No one likes a halfass shortener.

You: There's a joke in there somewhere, but I just can't find it.

Me: Eh, the moment's passed.

VO Kamren: Great. Then we can get to the real--

Audience: We should talk about Kamren's mom more.

You: No, I think we've talked about her enough. *shudders* Still thinking marshmallows here.

Me: But they feel so weird. Spongy and plasticky. The powder coating doesn't help.

You: That keeps them from sticking together.

Me: How does that make it better??

VO Kamren: Guys, why are you--

You: And even you said you like them at a bonfire.

Me: Well, that's different. They get all carmelized and melty when you catch 'em on fire, and that's awesome.

VO Kamren: The heck is going on around--

Audience: We seem to remember a flaming junk conversation about bonfires and marshmallows.

Me: Of course you would. *cringes*

You: Gross.

VO Kamren: Okay, now that that's over--

You: I suppose you don't like marshmallow creme, either?

Me: Oh, SICK! Gag me with a ratchet!

Audience: We've got something to gag you with.

Me: No! Bad audience! Perv on Kamren's mom!

VO Kamren: Hey, now--

You: But marshmallow creme is wonderful! How can you not like it??

Me: Good God, it's like noxiously sweetened liquid plastic. It's revolting!

You: There is something so wrong with you. Why do you hate joy?

Me: I don't hate joy. I just hate marshmallow creme.

You: And romance. And love. And adorable things.

Me: Adorkable is okay, though.

You: Well, duh.

Me: *happy thoughts of Rob*

You: *happy thoughts of Nate*

VO Kamren: Why is nobody listening to m--

Audience: *pervy thoughts of Kamren's mom*

VO Kamren: Stop that! I can see it all over your--

You: Well, that was a lovely conversation about marshmallows.

Me: Says you. I was disgusted most of the time.

You: Now you know how I feel when you talk about Rob's back.

Me: Now who's the joy-hater?

You: *gags*

Me: You clearly have no appreciation for the finer things in life.

You: Yeah, agree to disagree on that one.

Me: Agreed. So... done?

VO Kamren: I don't think so. You never got around to--

You: Yup. Done and done. This episode is in the can.

Me: So... lights?

Lights: *dim*

Audience: *whimpers instead of shrieks*

You: I think they're getting used to the studio ghosts.

Me: It's not like they pick anyone up and throw them around.

Audience: *huddles together for safety*

Me: Camera?

Camera: *stops rolling*

VO Kamren: Hey! We're not done here--

You: See ya next time, folks!

Everyone but VO Kamren: *leaves*

Lights: *dim completely*

VO Kamren: *in the dark* Hello? Guys? Is... is this a joke? .........GUYS??

-FADE OUT-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All I can say is... he fiddly earned it.


	46. Episode 46

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, God. Not more write-ins!

VO Kamren: *huffs*

You: Oh, calm down, Annabelle.

Me: Yeah, we're not mad at you anymore. In fact... here.

VO Kamren: ...What is it?

You: Unwrap it, dumbkins.

VO Kamren: *unwraps* It's a podium.

Me: You said you missed yours.

You: And we're about 93% sure this one isn't possessed.

VO Kamren: ...It seems pretty sturdy. I like the little clippy thing at the top.

Me: My idea. That way, you aren't always losing the page with the topic on it.

VO Kamren: ...*sniffles*

You: Uh-oh.

Me: Aw, dammit.

VO Kamren: I'm fine. *sniffles, looks away* Let's just... The Show.

Audience: *sniffles*

Me: Aw, dammit, not you, too!

Audience: ...We're allergic to the new podium.

You: *eyeroll* Suuuuuuuuure.

Me: ANYWAY... topic please?

VO Kamren: *wipes nose on sleeve* Right, right. Sorry. Lemme just... *uses the clippy thing* I really like that.

Me: TOPIC.

VO Kamren: Right! Um... oh, yeah. We did another write-in question thing, and I was a little more careful in the screening process this time.

You: Oh, hell.

Me: Maybe we shoulda given him the podium at the END of the episode. Then we could have just... not.

VO Kamren: No, this is gonna be great. First question: "If I promise not to kill you in your sleep, will you say exactly where each of you live and give me a blueprint of the entrances and exits?

You: ...

Me: ...

Audience: ...

VO Kamren: Okay, I'll admit. I was still mad when I vetted that one.

Me: NEXT.

VO Kamren: Second question: How are Lori and Molly friends when they have absolutely nothing in common?

Me: Hey!

You: That's only okay when we say it!

Audience: To be fair, we're curious about that, too.

You: Rude! We DO have stuff in common, ya know?

VO Kamren: Like what?

Me: ...

You: ...

Me: ...

You: ...

Audience: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Me: ...I'm still thinking.

You: About Rob?

Me: ...Guilty.

You: 'Sokay. I was thinking about Nate.

VO Kamren: ...That may be why you two clownshoes are friends, right there.

You: Whatever. Let's hurry this up. I'm out of Diet Coke.

Me: And this is cutting into my daydreaming-about-Rob time.

VO Kamren: *eyeroll* Third question: Has Lori managed to make out with Steve from Ghost Hunters yet?

You: Hey! He's engaged, ya pervert!

VO Kamren: Not my question!

You: I was talking to whoever asked! Rude!

Me: To be fair, you said yourself that what the fiancee didn't know wouldn't hurt.

You: Shaddup.

VO Kamren: Fourth question: Is Rob back to tweeting regularly on Twitter? ...Mols!

Me: What?

VO Kamren: Did you write in a question for yourself??

Me: I didn't even know we were doing another Q&A!

You: And why would she ask herself that? She'd just go stalk him on Twitter herself.

Me: I don't stalk him on Twitter! I "follow" him like anyone else! Sheesh!

You: And check his feed every day?

Me: I check MY feed every day! He's not the only person I follow, you know. Not even the only celebrity!

You: Buuuuuuuuut he's the only one you spam me with updates about.

Me: How is that stalking??

You: Whatever.

Me: Okay, how's this for not stalking? I accidentally stumbled across his Instagram account this weekend. Someone tweeted the address at him for God only knows what reason, and I clicked it thinking "no way is that the right account" but it WAS.

You: Not convincing me. Didn't you say his Instagram account was private?

Me: Yes! And when I realized it was actually his account, I exited and felt bad.

You: Whoa. You mean you DIDN'T create an account just to follow him?

Me: No. THAT would have been stalkery.

You: ...Okay, I'll give you that one.

VO Kamren: All of that was very... touching? I guess? But you didn't answer the question.

Me: ...?

VO Kamren: Is he back to tweeting regularly?

Me: Good grief! Whoever wrote that in, just follow him on Twitter yourself. And don't be skeevy if you tweet at him. Buncha whackjobs.

You: Are we done yet? I really need to pee.

Me: Right? This is a long episode. Sheesh.

Audience: *snorrrrrrrrrrrrrres*

VO Kamren: Fine, whatever. Last question: What movie are you guys most anticipating?

You: *yawns* I don't really do movies. I get bored.

Me: I am DYING to see The Avengers: Age of Ultron. I just caught up on all but one of the separate hero movies last night with Thor: The Dark World, and I CANNOT WAIT until May! Also, I seriously can't wait for the Warcraft movie. Even though Rob will be a motion capture orc, I can't wait. And the Pacific Rim sequel, of course, but that's not until 2017. There's another X-Men movie coming out sometime soonish, too, and of course a bunch more superhero movies--

You: LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE, WHOEVER YOU ARE!!

VO Kamren: Yeah, I think that's probably enough of that.

You: I feel like we didn't talk about Nate enough.

Audience: We feel like you didn't talk about Kamren's mom enough.

VO Kamren: Stop that! This episode is over! Join us next time when we talk about... *happy sigh* I really love this clippy thing. It's so handy.

Me: FOCUS, ANNABELLE.

VO Kamren: Right! When we talk about ugly Christmas sweaters!

Me: No. HELL no.

You: Awwww! I love Christmas!

VO Kamren: Next time, folks!

-FADE OUT-


	47. Episode 47

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show! It's been a while, thanks to a holiday break, but we're back!

Audience: WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE??

Me: Wow. Really feelin the love.

You: What, you WANT to feel their love?

Me: ...Statement retracted.

VO Kamren: Clearly, everything's back to normal. Oi.

Me: Just get on with it.

VO Kamren: Right. Today's topic is... potatoes! *plays with clippy thing* I really, really like this.

You: Oh, Annabelle.

Me: I feel like we've already established that this isn't a cooking show.

VO Kamren: ...Um...?

Me: Seems like we talk about making food pretty often for a show that's not about cooking. Are you being sexist, Annabelle?

VO Kamren: *wide-eyed*

Me: Making us talk about cooking just because we're women and, thus, clearly have nothing else to talk about?

You: Um... Mols?

Me: What?

VO Kamren: *trembles*

Audience: *trembles*

You: Are you... I mean... is Aunt Flo here?

Me: UGH. NO.

You: Are you sure? Because you're a little... hair-trigger today.

Me: *cries* NO. But she SHOULD BE, that rotten bitch!

You: Ah.

VO Kamren: *hides behind podium*

Audience: Is Aunt Flo hot?

You: No. Trust me.

Me: I don't understand it! I've had the no-sleep night. I've had the over-emotional day. I've even had the super-horny day!

VO Kamren: Too much information!

Audience: Tell us more.

Me: But no Aunt Flo. She's just being a stubborn whore at this point!

You: She really is, isn't she?

VO Kamren: I thought you didn't like when people used sexual epithets to refer to--

Me: HULK SMASH!! *Hulks out*

VO Kamren: Meep! *runs away*

Audience: *sits very, very still*

Me: NOT A T-REX! CAN STILL SEE YOU! GGGGRRRAAAAARRRGGGG!!!

You: Mols! Mols, he's just being a dumb guy! Calm down!

Me: *unHulks* Fine. Whatever. What the hell were we talking about?

VO Kamren: *is gone*

You: Potatoes? I think?

Me: Fried. I need them fried. Right now.

You: *takes out phone, texts Kamren*

Audience: This episode is less... reunion-ish than we expected.

You: It's all good. Everything will be fine in just a few minutes.

Me: What did you do?

You: Nothing. Just think happy thoughts about Rob's back... *gags*... in a *swallows hard*... tight shirt. *turns green*

Me: *narrows eyes*

You: I'm good. Thought of Nate and salvaged it.

Me: Whatever. I need greasy, salty potatoes. Stat.

VO Kamren: *runs in with a McDonald's bag, stands waaaaay back to offer it up*

Me: *pounces* MINE!!

You: Where's mine?

VO Kamren: *silently offers large Diet Coke*

You: Better.

VO Kamren: Did we talk about potatoes?

You: Sort of.

Me: *inhales comfort food*

VO Kamren: Do we risk trying to talk about anything else?

You: *eyes Me*

VO Kamren: *eyes Me*

Audience: *still sitting very, very still*

Me: *basks in salty, potatoey goodness*

You: Probably oughtta leave well enough alone, there.

VO Kamren: *whispered aside* Is there any way to, like, kickstart a visit from Aunt Flo? Or do we have to do this tomorrow, too?

You: *whispered aside* Aunt Flo is a rotten bitch who shows up whenever she wants. She doesn't listen to reason. We're screwed.

Me: *eats more fries*

VO Kamren: *whisper* So what do we do?

You: *whisper* Bring chocolate?

VO Kamren: She doesn't like chocolate!

Me: *narrows eyes*

VO Kamren: Sorry! *whispers* She doesn't like chocolate. Can you get ahold of Rob?

You: *thwaps and whispers* If I could, don't you think I already would have??

VO Kamren: Dammit.

Audience: *still sitting very, very still*

Me: *finishes fries* Whew! I feel so much better. So potatoes, right? I like 'em steam-baked. You shred them into really fat shreds, steam them, then put on some butter and sour cream, maybe some chives, little sprinkle of bacon bits and cheese... perfection.

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: *blinks*

Me: What? I mean, you really can't mess up potatoes, right? But that's my favorite way to eat them. Lori? What about you?

You: ...Baked? I guess? I mean, yeah, you really can't screw 'em up. And butter can salvage just about anything.

Me: And bacon.

You: And sour cream. Yum. Now I'm hungry.

VO Kamren: *blinks*

Audience: *blinks*

Me: So... that's it for today?

You: Looks like it. Annabelle?

VO Kamren: *very carefully looks at notes* I think so. If that's okay with you, Mols--

Me: *narrows eyes*

VO Kamren: *hurriedly* With both of you?

Me: *sweet and innocent* I'm good. Lori?

You: Yup. I need more Diet Coke.

Me: He just got you one!

You: That was like a whole minute ago!

Me: Sheesh.

VO Kamren: Okay, so... see you next time, when I come prepared with fresh fries, just in case.

You: Good planning, Annabelle. I'm proud of you.

Audience: Awwwwwwwww.

Me: *wide-eyed* Who replaced them with a sitcom audience??

You: Don't question it.

Me: Right.

-FADE OUT-


	48. Episode 48

VO Kamren: *huddles behind podium* Guys? We good?

You: *looks at Me*

Audience: *looks at Me*

Me: Why is everyone looking at me?

VO Kamren: No reason! Um... are we all feeling... calm... and non-Hulkish today?

You: *looks at Me*

Audience: *looks at Me*

Me: Why is everyone looking at me??

VO Kamren: No reason! Let's get to The Show! Today's topic is all these freakin missing airplanes.

You: ...Kamren?

VO Kamren: Yeah?

You: ...Why would we know anything about a bunch of missing planes?

VO Kamren: SOMEONE, who shall remain nameless, mentioned that I might be a bit gender-biased in my topic selections, so... missing airplanes.

Me: I feel like you're almost saying something.

VO Kamren: No idea what you're talking about.

Me: *narrows eyes*

Everyone Else: *trembles*

Me: *still with the narrow eyes* There are several theories -- none of which are less than batshit crazy -- for all these plane disappearances.

You: You spend way too much time on the internet.

Me: You just checked Facebook like two seconds ago!

You: I checked my email, which shows me Facebook notifications. Not the same thing.

Me: Exactly the same thing! What do you think email is??

You: ...Electronic mail?

Me: TRANSFERRED VIA THE INTERNET.

You: Whatever. Fiddly different.

Me: UGH. Anyway--

Audience: *raises hand*

Me: What?

Audience: Is watching internet porn the same thing?

Me: Yes. And even if it wasn't, you guys still spend way too much time doing it.

Audience: Aw, shucks.

You: ANYWAY.

Me: Right. The theories range from terrorists stockpiling commercial planes for another 9/11-esque kamikaze run to, of course, the Illuminati to the group Anonymous messing with the tracking software in an attempt to change global economy... like... somehow. It's not real clear.

You: Boring. If they're gonna be a buncha conspiracy theory whackjobs, they oughtta at least make it interesting.

Me: What, like alien invasion?

You: Ugh. You scienced. I told you no sciencing near me.

Me: Then what the heck are you talking about?

You: I feel like it should be a love story.

Me: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

Crickets: ...

Everyone Else: *eyeballs the crickets*

Crickets: Don't look at us. We're not dignifying that with a response, either.

You: Rude! Why is that so far-fetched?

Me: Okay, admittedly I'm a little fuzzy on the whole what-counts-as-romantic thing--

You: In your own words, you're emotionally retarded.

Me: --but I seriously don't see how at least three missing planes including all their passengers (one whole plane's worth is guaranteed dead because they found the wreckage finally and actually showed the floating bodies on TV because NEWS PEOPLE ARE AWFUL) could ever be anything resembling a romantic gesture.

You: ...You're just not trying.

Me: They showed the floating bodies to the families who were waiting in the airport for news of their loved ones.

You: ...I thought you had a better imagination than that.

Me: No. NO ONE has that good of an imagination.

You: Fine. It was aliens or whatever. UGH. I got science on me.

Me: And it doesn't wash off.

You: Gross.

Audience: ...We aren't sure if that's sexy or not.

VO Kamren: It isn't.

Audience: ...Jury's still out.

You: Ugh. Are we done yet? I feel like we've been socially aware enough for, like, a month.

Me: I know, right? There's nothing funny about a bunch of missing or dead people and Air Traffic Control managing to lose not one but THREE whole airplanes in an age where I can't sneeze without the government knowing about it.

You: Exactly.

Audience: We think we might be depressed now.

Us: Yeah.

VO Kamren: This is what I get for trying to be gender neutral.

You: Oh, Kamren. You are. You really, really are.

Me: *snicker*

Audience: AWKWARD.

VO Kamren: I give up. Let's just go for the day. At least no one Hulked out.

Me: ...

You: ...

Audience: ...

VO Kamren: ...Huh. I kinda thought someone would right then.

Me: I know, right?

You: Eh, the moment's gone.

Audience: When's Kamren's mom guest starring again?

VO Kamren: NEVER. This episode is over.

Me: NOW who's on their period?

You: Right??

VO Kamren: Fade out!

-FADE OUT-


	49. Episode 49

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome to The Show! I dunno why I'm so excited! Things will inevitably go horribly wrong!

You: Bless his heart. He's finally accepting the inevitable.

Me: It's about damn time.

Audience: So he'll bring his mom next time?

VO Kamren: Leave my parents out of this. Today's topic is sleep!

You: I. Love. Sleep.

Me: Amen, sister. I may be an insomniac, but that just makes me appreciate sleep all the more.

You: Good topic, Kamren. We could talk about sleep for HOURS.

Me: It's maybe my favorite thing. Cocoon myself in blankets and just zone out for a few hours.

You: Right? All cuddly and warm and just floating.

Me: *happy sigh*

You: *happy sigh*

Audience: *yawns*

VO Kamren: Um... maybe this wasn't such a great topic, after all. *fights a yawn*

Me: Don't fight it, Annabelle. That just makes the urge to yawn worse.

VO Kamren: *fights*

You: I need a pillow. I love sleep so much I could fiddly take a nap right now.

Me: Oh, man, I WISH I could nap! Once I'm up, I'm up for the duration.

You: Oh, not me. I could lay down and go to sleep just about any ol' time.

Me: ENVY.

VO Kamren: Oh, HELL NO. We are not doing a Seven Deadly Sins episode.

Us: *brighten*

VO Kamren: NO.

Us: *pout*

Audience: We would SO be up for that. Especially for the Lust discussion.

You: Ugh. Gross.

Me: Not even surprisingly gross. Just plain gross.

VO Kamren: TALK ABOUT SLEEP. *fights another yawn*

You: What more is there to say? It's divine.

Me: ...

You: ...Mols?

Me: Hm?

You: ...You okay over there?

Me: Me? Oh, yeah. Was just having happy cuddly thoughts about being all blanket-cocooned with Rob.

You: Oh, snap. Now I'm thinking about sleepy-eyed Nate smiling at me and maybe humming a little tune under his breath as he spoons me.

Me: Right??

Audience: Tell us more.

VO Kamren: Um... no. That's... that's enough of that. *fights a yawn*

Me: I bet Rob is absolutely adorkable in the morning. All sleep-warm and hair mussed and drowsy smiles.

You: Talk about mussed hair - can you imagine Nate's glorious locks all touseled?

Me: *happy sigh*

You: *happy sigh*

Audience: *heavy breathing*

VO Kamren: What is wrong with you people??

Audience: Just be glad they aren't talking about morning wood.

Me: *raises hand* Actually--

VO Kamren: ABSOLUTELY NOT. I think we've talked more than enough about sleep. Great episode, everyone. Let's quit while we're still ahead for once.

You: Party pooper.

Me: Fiddly.

You: Ya know, since this is probably the last episode of the year, we probably should've done something... I dunno... special, right?

Me: Meh. We might squeeze in another ep before the end. We oughtta finish off the year with 50 episodes. Nice round number.

You: If so, what should we talk about?

Audience: Kamren's mom?

VO Kamren: No!

Audience: ...Kamren's grandma?

VO Kamren: WHAT??

You: Um, no. We were thinking less... downright skeevy.

Me: And preferably less wrinkly.

You: Heheh, hey. What does Kamren's grandma smell like?

Me: *snicker* Depends.

Audience: *snickers*

VO Kamren: ...Depends on what?

Crickets: *chirp*

You: Oh, Kamren.

Me: ANYWAY. So... final topic for the year so we can prep if we need to?

You: I don't care. If it's not about Nate, I'm not really invested.

Me: Sheesh.

VO Kamren: *fights yawn* Everyone seems to like doing those 'year in review' bits around this time.

You: Yeah. EVERYONE.

Me: We like to fake being more original than that.

VO Kamren: Fine. I'll... I dunno... think of something. For now, let's just get outta here before something censorable happens.

Me: What, like you having a yawngasm?

VO Kamren: A what now??

You: You haven't heard of a yawngasm? It's when you've been fighting a yawn for so long that when you finally give in and yawn, it's darn near orgasmic.

Audience: We are holding back our yawns for a week at a time from now on.

VO Kamren: *twitches* That's not really a thing, right?

Us: *innocent angel grins*

VO Kamren: *twitches more* ...Now I dunno if I should yawn or not.

Us: *wait patiently*

VO Kamren: No! Episode over! I'm not yawning in front of you sickos!

Audience: We're fiddly thinking about your mom next time we yawngasm. Just so you know.

VO Kamren: Hate you! Hate you all!

Us: *highfive*

VO Kamren: Ugh! This episode is over!

-FADE OUT-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *yaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwn*


	50. Very Special Episode 50!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's longer than usual, but for good reason. Well, for "reason". Not necessarily GOOD reason.

VO Kamren: I feel like we should have intro music for these special episodes.

Me: Saliva would seem to be appropriate.

You: Gross.

VO Kamren: Too late now. Anyway, welcome to a very special episode of The Show! Since this is the last day of the year, we thought we'd cram in another show to finish with a nice, even 50th episode.

You: That's a lot of episodes.

Me: Right? Who ever thought we'd last this long without being cancelled?

VO Kamren: Hey!

You: Really, Annabelle? I mean, our audience is... skeevy. At best.

Audience: Hello, there. *waggles eyebrows*

Me: And our one truly obsessed fan wants to kill us in our sleep.

VO Kamren: Yeah. That one is... determined.

You: And we spend most of our episodes talking about anything but the topic. Like Nate.

Me: And Rob.

You: And naps. And Diet Coke.

Me: And Lori having to pee a lot. And her tragic Facebook addiction.

You: And your science crap.

Me: More like AVOIDING my science crap.

You: Same difference.

Me: *huffs*

VO Kamren: Okay, okay. I get the point.

Audience: When's your mom getting here?

VO Kamren: NEVER. So, since this is a special episode and we probably shouldn't have made it this far -- and since no one answers any email I send out that says "Important: Please Respond" -- I've decided that our special topic will be New Year's resolutions.

Me: Boooooooo.

You: Fiddly booooooo.

Audience: Boooooooo.

VO Kamren: What? That's a timely and valid topic!

You: Good God, Kamren. No one takes New Year's resolutions seriously!

Me: If they last a week, it's a miracle. It's a racket dreamed up by people who grasp at any hope that the new year will be better than the dismal, depressing year past.

You: And companies that make diet food and exercise equipment really push it because they know people will scramble to buy all their stuff to act on these stupid resolutions, and they sit there and laugh and count their money while all those poor, desperate schmucks fall off their resolutions one by one and all that new stuff just goes to waste.

Me: Fiddly.

VO Kamren: And now I'm depressed. Wow, guys. The new year is reeeeeally lookin bright.

Me: Hey, we're just sparing you the crushing realization due in a few weeks, anyway.

You: Guys?

Me: I mean, sure, you might've had a few days or so of believing that the new year really would be better, but the inevitable dismay would have hit eventually.

You: Seriously, guys? This is--

Me: Just trying to save you that disappointment.

You: GUYS! LISTEN, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

Me: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

You: Thank you. Geez. I was checking Facebook and--

Me: Seriously? We were having a discussion, woman!

You: SHADDUP!

Me: ...

You: THANK YOU. Good grief! I'm trying to tell you that an alien ship has been spotted over the town!

Me: ...Lamest. Prank. Ever.

VO Kamren: Gotta go with Mols on this one.

Audience: Unless the aliens are hot. Are the aliens hot?

You: It's not a prank! There's an honest-to-God alien ship hovering over us right now! It's all over Facebook! Look, there are pictures from all over town!

Me: Lori, I think it's time I introduce you to a little thing called Photoshop.

You: This isn't a joke! Will you just--

Aliens: *kick down the door and march in, rayguns at the ready*

Me: ...

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...So... not hot, then?

Alien Leader: Greetings, First Citizens of Earth. We are from Planet [unspellable] and we are here to--

Me: Damn, Lori. You really spent the money on this one. Those animatronic tentacles are awesome!

VO Kamren: ...They don't look animatronic.

Me: Oh, please. Why would "real" aliens actually have tentacles?

Audience: The better to probe you with, my dear?

You: GROSS! And THIS IS NOT A PRANK!! Holy crap, we're about to be abducted by aliens!

Leader: SILENCE, ALL OF YOU! *brandishes raygun* You are not being abducted! You are being held against your will until you send a message for us to the entire world!

You: ...

Audience: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Me: ...*sings* Sendin out an SOS! Sendin out an SOS! I hope that someone gets my... I hope that someone gets my... message in a bottle!

Alien Commander: ...What is she doing?

Leader: ...Mating?

Audience: Not that one. *sigh* She's saving herself for Rob.

Commander: ...

Leader: ...

Me: *blushes*

Leader: SILENCE!

You: Um... we WERE silent.

Leader: SILENCE, YOU!! *points raygun*

You: How did you know my name??

VO Kamren: *facepalms*

Commander: We have seen your dissertations on human culture, and we know that you three are the arbiters of humanity. You will send our message to the--

Me: *raises hand* Question: arbiters of humanity? The heck are you talking about?

Commander: DO NOT INTERRUPT ME!! *points raygun*

Audience: Is there such a thing as a terror boner? Because we think we have a terror boner.

You: If a terror boner exists, you freakshows would have it.

Leader: ENOUGH NONSENSE! You will tell the world--

Me: That's just the point: all we DO is nonsense! What's this "arbiters of humanity" thing?

Leader: Do not try to fool us, conniving wench!

VO Kamren: They really DO know you!

Me: NOT HELPING.

Leader: We have seen how you decide what is or is not acceptable in human culture, and we will use your celebrity for our own ends. You will tell the world--

Me: Yeah, still stuck on that whole bit because you are NOT getting it. Please take the stick out of your butt long enough to understand the words coming out of my mouth: WE ARE NOBODIES.

Leader: ...Stick... up... why would there be a stick there?

Me: ...I don't...?

Leader: Did someone put a stick in my butt when I wasn't looking??

You: ...Wouldn't you know that better than we would?

Audience: ...Terror boner is back. Sorry.

You: GROSS.

Commander: All of this is meaningless! Prepare yourselves, humans! You will reveal our existence to the world, and tell them we--

You: Seriously? Your ship is all over Facebook. The world already knows.

Commander: ...Why is a book a face?

You: ...?

Me: *headshake* Good thing I tutored English-as-a-second-language people in college. Seriously. Suffice it to say that hundreds of pictures of your ship hovering over our town are already circulating the internet, along with what can only be a nasally sarcastic unified shout of _"FAKE!!"_.

Leader: ...I ...don't...?

Commander: *scratches head with raygun*

Other Aliens: *shift on their tentacles*

Audience: *tries to ignore terror boner*

Crickets: *too afraid to chirp*

You: Mols? Conference. Now.

Me: Right.

Us: *huddle and whisper*

 

\------You: Please tell me you've been preparing for this moment your whole life and have a plan?

\------Me: I have been preparing, but all 32 plans are useless because these guys are just all the stupid.

\------You: So come up with a stupid plan!

\------Me: You can't plan to be stupid. You have to wing it.

\------You: So wing it!

\------Me: Already in progress.

 

Us: Okay, we're back.

Leader: Enough of this! We will not be put off any longer! You will tell the world that we--

Me: I have another question.

Leader: STOP INTERRUPTING ME!!

VO Kamren: That's kind of their thing. They're like the ninja masters of interrupting.

Commander: They are ninja masters? We didn't plan for this!

Me: See? Toldja.

You: Unbelievable.

Leader: YOU WILL TELL THE WORLD THAT WE WILL BE BENEVOLENT RULERS BUT THAT WE WILL, INDEED, RULE! AND THAT--

Me: Resistance is futile?

Leader: --RESIS--... how did you know I would say that?

Audience: She's a psychic witch. We've been meaning to burn her at the stake, but she's tricksey like that.

Leader: They're ninja masters AND psychic witches??

Audience: Just her. The other one is our dreams come true.

You: Gross. Just... gross.

Leader: NEVER MIND! Resistance IS futile, puny humans, and if you do not send our message to your puny world, we will--

Me: Blast it from the stars?

Leader: STOP THAT! It is... very disconcerting!

Audience: You have no idea.

Commander: These humans are more powerful than we thought.

Leader: It doesn't matter! They shall fall under our determined march and we shall--

Me: Crush them under your boots?

Leader: BURN, DIABOLICAL ONE!! *points raygun*

Me: Question: how do you plan to crush us under your boots when you don't have boots?

Leader: DIE, YOU IMPORTUNATE-- wait, what?

Me: No boots. Tentacles.

Leader: ...I...

Me: You heard the line in a movie and thought it sounded cool?

Leader: IT IS COOL!!

Me: *headshake* Heavens.

Commander: She is calling upon the Heavens for help!! We must retreat!!

Leader: Keep it together, you fool! *bitchslaps Commander with raygun*

Commander: Ow, hey!

Leader: We can still prevail! But the Diabolical One must die, for she will never aid our cause!

You: Mols?

Me: Yup?

You: Is this part of the plan?

Me: You can't be careful on a skateboard, man.

You: What??

Me: *gets right up in Leader's face* Mecca lecca hi, mecca hiney ho.

Leader: *backs away, raygun pointed* What are you doing??

Commander: SHE'S CASTING A SPELL! FLEE!!

Other Aliens: *flee*

Me: *takes another step into Leader's space* Mecca lecca hi, mecca CHINEY ho.

You: *whispers to Kamren* Did she just call it a Chinese whore?

VO Kamren: *shrugs*

Leader: Stop! I WILL FIRE!! *aims*

Me: *sings* Inna gadda da vida, baby!

Leader: WE WILL CONQUER YOUR PUNY PLANET, DEMON WOMAN!!

Audience: See? Someone else gets it.

You: You're complaining now??

Audience: At the moment, no. It's working for us.

You: GROSS.

Me: *one step closer until the raygun is touching the forehead* I only have one more thing to say, Alien Leader.

Leader: These will be your final words!

Me: *narrows eyes*

You: Uh-oh. Everybody back up.

VO Kamren: Not again! Last time, she almost broke a chair!

Audience: *huddles back against the wall*

Me: Hooka shakka. Hooka hooka hooka shakka. Hooka hooka Iiiiiiiiii--

Leader: *screams and flees after the rest*

Me: --iii'm... *sings* --hooked on a feelin! I'm high on believin'... that you're in love with meeeeee!

You: The heck did you just do?

Me: Jibberish. Works every time.

VO Kamren: Did you seriously just ridiculous a bunch of conquering aliens back to their ship?

Me: When all else fails....

You: Hey! Good news! Facebook says the alien ship has vanished.

Me: OHMYGOSH!! Do you guys know what this means??

VO Kamren: Our show is apparently a big hit in space?

Me: NO! We're freaking HEROES, guys! We just saved the world!

You: ...Normally, I would point and laugh at you, but we fiddly did, didn't we??

Me: YES!! My life is complete!

VO Kamren: *headshake* Only we could save the world with ridiculousness and jibberish.

Me: Gotta play to our strengths.

Audience: Did we help?

Me: Actually, yes.

Audience: VICTORY BONER!!

You: Gross.

Me: Fiddly.

You: We need a hero team name. I like... the Guardians of the Galaxy. It sounds all science-y.

Me: Um... that one's already taken.

You: Dammit. Um... how about... the Super Friends! Whoosh! I need a cape!

Me: Also taken. SOOOO taken.

You: Geez!

VO Kamren: Maybe something less... whooshy... like the Justice League?

Me: Seriously? Have you guys not read a single comic ever?

Audience: The Avengers has a nice ring to it.

Me: Of course it does. Because it's freakin TAKEN. Unbelievable.

You: The Fantastic Four, since the audience is a single, sentient thing?

Me: Now you're just messing with me.

You: ...How...?

Me: TAKEN.

You: DAMMIT.

VO Kamren: I guess we'll have to come up with a team name next year.

You: Oh, hey, that's right! We were doing a show.

Me: ...Oops. Got distracted.

Audience: Understandable.

VO Kamren: So... I guess that was... going out with a bang?

Audience: *opens mouth*

VO Kamren: Don't. Even.

Audience: *closes mouth*

You: We'll call it a win. We hit 50 episodes, and we saved the world.

Me: And no one will ever know because no one but aliens watch this crappy show.

VO Kamren: Must you suck the joy out of everything?

Me: Just keepin it real.

You: With jibberish.

Audience: We'll take it.

VO Kamren: Ugh. Whatever. That's enough. Show's over.

Me: See you next year, folks!

You: But hopefully not the aliens!

Me: Hey, it just hit me. I saved Rob! Think that would help my case?

You: If you ever meet him and tell him you saved him from an alien invasion....

Me: ...Dammit. Well, it was a thought.

You: Sorry, Mols.

Me: Whatever. This year sucked.

You: Happy New Year!

-FADE OUT-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this one is my opus. I wrote it today on my lunch break, and I think it's the best way to end both a year and Season One. *wipes a tear* I'm just so proud of us.


End file.
